Office Space

Mother shitter, son of an ass--

You-- I'll just--

I was told-- Have you--

I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed.

Crporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Crporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking. Just a moment.

Corporate Accounts Payable. Nina speaking.

Hello, Peter. What's happening?

Uh, we have sort of a problem here.

Yeah, you apparently didn't put one of the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. reports.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I-I forgot.

Mmm, yeah.

You see, we're putting the cover sheets on all T.P.S. reports now before they go out.

Did you see the memo about this?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I have the memo right here. I just, uh, forgot.

But it's not shipping out till tomorrow, so there's no problem.

Yeah.

Ifyou could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that would be great.

And, uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy ofthat memo.

- Mm-kay? bye-bye, Peter. - Yeah, no, I have the memo.

I've got it. It's right--

Hello, Phil. What's happening?

Uh, I came by here yesterday--

- - Milton?

Hi. Uh, could you turn that down just a little bit?

Well, I-I was told that I could listen to the radio...

at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 1 1 :00.

Yeah, no, no, I know you're allowed to. I, uh--

I was just thinking maybe like, you know, a personal favor, you--

Well, I-I told Bill that if-if Sandra's going to listen to her headphones...

while she's-- while she's filing, then I should be able to listen...

- to the radio while I'm collating. - Uh-huh.

So, I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio.

- Yeah, all right. Okay. - Because I enjoy listening...

- at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 1 1 :00. - Thanks, Milton.

Hi, Peter.

What's happening? We need to talk about your T.P.S. reports.

Yeah, the cover sheet. I know. I know.

- Uh, Bill talked to me about it. - Yeah.

- Did you get that memo? - Yeah, I got the memo.

And I understand the policy and the problem is just that I forgot the one time.

I've already taken care of it, so it's not really a problem anymore.

Ah, yeah. It's just we're putting new cover sheets...

on all the T.P.S. reports before they go out now.

So, ifyou could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great.

All right!

- Peter Gibbons. - Yeah. Peter?

- Yes. - Did you get the memo about the T.P.S. reports?

I have the memo.

- - No, not again.

Why does it say "paperjam" when there is no paperjam?

I swear to God, one ofthese days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.

You and me both, man. The thing is lucky I'm not armed.

- Piece of shit. - Sam Ire--

Na-- Na-- Na-- Naga--

- No. Please. - Uh-huh.

Michael...

- Bolton? - That's me.

Wow. Is that your real name?

- Yeah. - So, are you related to that singer guy?

- No, it's just a coincidence. - Oh.

Yeah, you fuckin' cow.

No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right.

I-It's not that hard-- Nagheenanajar. Nagheenanajar.

Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.

There was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 1 2 years old...

and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.

Hmm. Why don't-- Why don't you just, uh, go by Mike instead of Michael?

No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

- Hey, guys. - What's up, G.?

- Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee? - Oh, it's a little early.

I gotta get out of here. I think I'm gonna lose it.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

Boy, I tell you. Some days.

One ofthese days it's just gonna be like--

So, can I get you gentlemen something more to drink, or maybe something to nibble on?

Some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas?

Just coffee.

Okay. Sounds like a case ofthe Mondays.

What ifwe're still doing this when we're 50?

It would be nice to have that kind ofjob security.

Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I-I can tell already.

I'm gonna end up doing it because, uh-- because I'm a big pussy.

Which is why I work at Initech to begin with.

Yeah, well, I work at Initech, and I don't consider myself a pussy. Okay?

Yes, I am also not a pussy.

They're gonna find out the hard way I'm not a pussy...

- if they don't start treating their software people better. - That's right.

I don't understand. I could program a virus that would rip that place off big-time.

- Yeah. - Big-time.

- Whoa. - There she is.

Peter, you know, you always talk about this girl.

Ifyou're so obsessed with her, why don't you just ask her out?

No, I can't do that. I'm just another asshole customer.

You can'tjust walk up to a waitress and ask her out.

Besides, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne.

Uh, that reminds me. I'm not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday.

- Why not? - I'm gonna see this, uh...

occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.

- Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist? - Yeah, I know.

Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. I'm--

You know, sometimes I think I—

I get thinking that she's cheating on me.

- Yeah, I know what you mean. - Yeah.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Look. Just tell Anne that you're not into hypnosis and you wanna play poker.

No, I can't do that. She'll get all pissed off.

And, besides, I think that the guy might actually be able to help.

I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.

Peter, she's anorexic.

Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.

Yeah, well, I don't think any occupational hypnotherapist...

is gonna help you solve any ofyour problems.

Okay? Hey, and speaking of problems...

what's this I hear about you having problems with your T.P.S. reports?

Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?

- Hey! Hey, guys! Peter! - Is that Smykowski?

- Samir! - What's he doing?

Oh, probably working on another heart attack.

I've been looking all over for you guys. Have you seen this?

- I knew it. I knew it. - What? It's a staff meeting. So what?

So what? We're all screwed, that's what. They're gonna downsize Initech.

What are you talking about, Tom? How do you know that?

How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant, that's how I know.

That's what this staff meeting is all about.

It happened at Initrode last year.

You have to interview with this consultant. They call them "efficiency experts."

But what you're really doing is interviewing for your own job.

Every week you say you're going to lose yourjob, and you're still here.

Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off.

The thought of having to go to the state unemployment office, to stand in line with scumbags!

Shit.

You know, there are people in this world that don't have to put up with all this shit.

Like that guy that invented the Pet Rock?

You see, that's what you have to do.

You have to use your mind...

and come up with some really great idea like that.

And you can make millions. Never have to work again.

You think the Pet Rock was a really great idea?

Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars.

You know, I had an idea like that once, a long time ago.

Really? What was it, Tom?

Well, all right.

It was a "jump to conclusions" mat.

You see, it would be this mat...

that you would put on the floor...

and it would have different conclusions written on it...

that you could jump to.

That is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.

Yes. Yes, it's horrible, this idea.

Uh, look, I gotta get outta here.

I'll see you guys later...

- if I still have a job. - Yeah.

Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do...

ifyou had a million dollars, didn't have to work.

And, invariably, whatever you'd say, that was supposed to be your career.

Ifyou wanted to fix old cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

- So what did you say? - I never had an answer.

I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

No. You're working at Initech 'cause that question is bullshit to begin with.

If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors...

because no one would clean shit up ifthey had a million dollars.

You know what I would do if I had million dollars?

I would invest half of it in low-risk mutual funds...

and then take the other half of it to my friend Asadulah, who works in securities--

Samir. Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise...

- is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if-- -

"P.C. load letter"? What the fuck does that mean?

What the--

Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9!

- Check out this chick! - Damn it, Lawrence.

Can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through the wall?

Oh, sorry, man! Anne over there or somethin'?

No, but... ifyou wanna talk to me, just come over.

Hey, man. Check this out, dude.

The key is early detection. Tumors that are detected--

- Aw, geez, Lawrence. - I'm sorry, man. I thought you'd want to see this.

Doesn't that chick look like Anne?

Yeah. A little bit. I—