Harry and Tonto

Who's this, Tonto?

I walk along the streets of sorrow

The boulevard of broken dreams

Where gigolo and gigolette

Can steal a kiss but not forget

The boulevard of broken dreams

I'll give you a hint. He's Italian.

That's right. Russ Colombo.

Attaboy.

- Buenos días, Jesus. - Hey, what do you say?

Hey, did you see Ironside last night? Some show.

No, last night I read.

You know, he's in a wheelchair all the time.

And, he gets this case with this rich lady... Very beautiful, blonde.

She's afraid her husband wants to kill her.

Poison her.

I thought you said you didn't watch.

Well, the husband usually chooses poison.

He takes the case, and they got this scene

where Ironside has got to get to the woman in time

- to grab the poison right out of her hand. - In a glass of milk.

You saw it.

Okay, kiddo. One half-dozen eggs.

One container of skim milk.

Two of the low-cal cottage cheeses.

Give me a quarter pound of that nice tender liver.

And a pint of sweet cream.

Hey, that cat eats better than me.

Jesus, eating is the most important thing in the life of a cat.

Eating is the most important thing in the life of me too.

Yeah, but you can read a book. You can look at television.

You can make love to your wife.

- Bullshit! - Can of tuna.

That cat gets it more than I do.

No. Those days are over for both of us.

Come on. My grandfather, he's 82, and he never stops screwing.

I stand in awe. What's his secret?

I don't know. Maybe 'cause he still lives in Puerto Rico.

Maybe because he eats a lot of bananas.

Bananas?

- Maybe because he don't know he's 82. - I see. Wrap it up to go.

Times.

Thank you. Who's the vice president this week?

Who cares?

"One life, one death, one heaven, one hell!

"And one immortality, and one annihilation! Woe is me!"

Shelley's Epipsychidion, you dumb son of a bitch!

All right, baby, all right.

Okay. All right.

Hi, kid.

Did you see that?

No.

Fellow almost ran me over.

- What kind of car? - I don't know. A big gray job.

Capitalist bastard!

What if it had been a Volkswagen?

Nazi bastard.

No, Jacob. I mean, if it was a small car... Would it make the fellow not a capitalist?

But it wasn't a small car.

I don't understand your logic.

Why should you be any different than the rest of America?

- Have a banana. - No, no.

I lost my good teeth at home. Let me see the market.

- Jacob, they want me to move. - What?

I got a notice that they're tearing down my building.

Putting up a fancy parking lot.

Capitalist bastards!

They will not move me out of my apartment.

I have some former students who pull considerable weight.

Is the mayor a former student of yours? You can't fight capitalism in the courts.

You got to go to the streets.

Man the barricades, plant the dynamite.

Blow up the cesspool.

You want, you can move in with me.

I appreciate that, Jacob.

But I think we'd end up hating each other.

You know, I can be a real pain in the ass.

I lived with my wife for 40 years.

I can live with you.

No, at Tonto's age, moving can be a real problem.

He knows the neighborhood.

Got a lot of friends.

You know, Jacob...

I think that he's beginning to understand Spanish.

Qué pasa, Tonto?

All right, there. All right.

All right. We'll be home in a minute.

You got any spare change, old man?

Yeah, I have some spare change, but I don't have any to spare.

I can let you have a banana.

Help! I'm being mugged!

"You heavens, give me that patience,

"patience that I need!

"You see me here, you gods, a poor old man, as full of..."

- You all right, Harry? - I was mugged.

- White boy or black boy? - What the hell difference does it make?

- I just like to know, that's all. - White.

Hot damn.

If it makes you feel any better, the last one was Puerto Rican.

- I got him. I got him. - You got it?

A fella I know up in Harlem

got his false teeth stolen.

Clear daylight.

The mugger put a knife behind him. Scared him so...

His dentures dropped clear out of his mouth.

Mugger grabbed his wallet and his teeth.

A man's gotta be mighty low for that.

Leroy, could you spare a little cream for Tonto?

I'll be up by and by.

- Good morning, Mrs. R. - Good morning, Mr. C.

Did you see Ironside last night? Some show.

I loved the scene where he saved the wife's life.

Wasn't that something? I almost had a heart attack.

And they say there's nothing good on TV.

Have you found a place yet?

I haven't looked.

Well, there'll always be room for you at my place, kiddo.

I'll be in Miami.

That's very sweet of you, Mrs. R.

But I don't think I could take all that sunshine.

You can't say I didn't offer.

Who's this, Tonto?

When the blue of the night

meets the gold of the day

Someone waits for me

That's right, Bing Crosby.

Okay, baby.

Come on.

Come on, baby. That a baby.

Okay.

Come on.

Okay.

There you go.

I'll give you some fresh water.

Okay.

Here it is. There we go.

Would you believe it, Tonto?

Mugged four times this year.

Four times.

You know, in a way...

I'm glad Annie isn't here to see it.

She loved this neighborhood.

Who could argue with her?

It was like Shakespeare's London.

Bristling with energy.

The day is still bristling.

But without the energy.

There were trolleys, Tonto.

Cobblestones.

The aroma of corned beef and cabbage.

Tangy zest of apple strudel.

You had to hand-crank the cars in those days, Tonto.

Cars like REOs.

Franklins.

Hudsons.

Those were names fit for a car.

These days a man doesn't know whether he's driving a car or an animal.

Mustangs.

Jaguars, Cougars.

Pintos.

Silly.

I used to drive Burt around on his paper route.

Yeah, we had paper routes in those days.

Get him up early in the morning.

Help the boy make some pocket money.

It's a wonderful neighborhood.

It's run-down.

It's running down.

It all runs down sooner or later.

Where would I go to live?

I still know a lot of people around here, Tonto.

You know people

that's home.

We know you're in there, Mr. Coombes.

And we ask you in a nice way to please come down of your own volition.

You're only making things worse for yourself.

I repeat, you're only making things worse for yourself.

Why don't you use tear gas?

Fire a cannon!

- We repeat, Mr. Coombes... - Shoot in the workers' houses!

You are endangering your own life as well as the lives of many other people.

Please come down.

The city of New York will guarantee you replacement housing, Mr. Coombes.

Please, sir, come on out of your apartment.

You are costing the city valuable tax dollars.

Arrest the whole West Side!

Don't you touch me!

- You fascist bastard! - You can't park there.

Hey, you hear what I said? You can't park there!

That's my father!

Pop.

"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks!

"Rage! Blow!

- Get the furniture! - "You cataracts and hurricanes...

- But he's in a "No Parking" zone. - I said, get the furniture!

"Spout till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!"

Drown the cocks, baby!

Pop, I want you to act your age.

I am. "You sulphurous, thought-executing fires,

"vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts.