M*A*S*H

Believe me, this hurts you a lot more than it hurts me.

Don't worry. You'll be okay.

French unit, sir. Got mortared.

Okay. You're gonna be okay.

North Korean pilot, doctor. Bullet wound in the shoulder.

Your shoulder's going to be fine, Lieutenant,

but I'd hold off throwing the curve ball a while.

Doctor, can you tell me how long it's gonna be?

I got orders to get this guy outta here.

Soon as his infection clears up.

The R. O. K. troops

must have stopped sterilizing their bullets.

Salut. Salut.

Ça va?

Ah. This is one of our doctors: Major Winchester.

Martine Le Clerc. How do you do?

Ah, Bonjour. Bonjour, Doctor.

Miss Le Clerc is a volunteer

with the International Red Cross.

Ah. A touch of Gallic loveliness

is just the prescription for these boys,

not to mention their doctors.

Your man is right over here, Major.

Excuse me, sir. This man's a prisoner of war.

Not anymore.

Major Reddish is in charge

of Lieutenant ChongWha Park as of now.

By orders of General Mark Clark.

From here on, you answer to me.

Congratulations, ChongWha.

How's it feel to be America's newest war hero?

You read me, son?

He doesn't understand loud English, either.

But we have a farmer up the road

who translates for us a lot.

Negative, Colonel. I've already sent to H. Q.

for an official interpreter.

We can't trust such a highly sensitive diplomatic matter

to some ox cart driver.

What's up, Colonel?

Major Reddish is here to award Lieuten

Uh, if you don't mind, Colonel, I'd like to tell it.

ChongWha here has just won himself a $100,000 reward.

A hundred G's, son.

$100,000 for what?

On April 27, General Mark Clark,

head of United States Forces, Far East,

offered $50,000 American to any and all enemy pilots

landing a Sovietbuilt jet

in good condition in friendly territory.

Plus an additional 50 big ones to the one who's first.

I think I signed up on the wrong side.

And he also gets a free trip to the States

plus American citizenship.

Way things are going,

soon there'll be a prize in every hand grenade.

Major Reddish is General Clark's

Assistant Chief of Public Information.

Uh, Colonel, please. Let me get a word in.

Now, then, I can't take credit for coming up with this idea.

General Clark himself figured

that the war needed a shot in the propaganda.

You know, it's been getting harder and harder

to sell this war to the folks back home.

Well, that's what happens

when you spend everything on weapons

and nothing on advertising.

Right.

We figured just what we needed

was a couple of good turncoats

to get the public behind us again.

Thanks to Lieutenant ChongWha here,

we got it.

Thank God.

Hi, ladies. Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Hawkeye Pierce.

Pleased to meet you, Capitaine.

Oh, you're French.

I've been wearing your cuffs for years.

Oh, Pierce.

There's nothing like the way a French accent

fits into an American ear.

It's Ladies' Night.

Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

What does it take for you to get the message?

Well, looks like you have the crucial vote.

But after all, we are talking.

Please excuse us.

Okay, okay. Fine. Fine. Fine.

But if you're gonna change your mind, you better hurry.

Offer expires midnight Saturday.

This Hawkeye, he is a doctor?

Mmm. A lot of people around here

find him irresistible, including himself.

He acts very much a little boy, doesn't he?

Oh, believe me. He's not acting.

You know what's wrong with this war?

Yeah. The French aren't on my side.

Not enough heroes.

But ChongWha's gonna take care of that.

For $100,000 plus transportation.

Charles, did you realize

that for only a few thousand dollars

your father could sponsor a Korean deserter?

Yeah. Yeah. If you gentlemen will excuse me.

You're wasting your time, Charles.

Take it from someone who's met the French "resistance."

Pierce.

Good evening.

Hello, Major. Please sit here.

Ah. Thank you.

Hmmhmm.

What did he try that I didn't?

Maybe sincerity.

Sincerity.

I could fake that.

So you like the museums of Paris.

Yes. Especially the Jeu De Paume.

Spent half my time there.

Incroyable, n'estce pas?

I much prefer it to the Louvre.

I love the impressionists.

Excuse me. WWhat was that? I didn't understand that.

Oh, I say it is a It is a nice place

to go when one is in love.

Oh.

You know, when I was 7 years old,

my father was stationed in Fort Bliss.

That's in Texas.

And my mother used to take me to the art museum in El Paso.

Eh, how cultural.

When I realized that I was actually looking

at Monet's "Peace Beneath the Lilac Trees"

the real thing, not some processed print in an art book

I was overwhelmed.

I hate to break this up, but I really have to go.

Oh. I'm so sorry, Major.

I'm afraid I have been impolite.

It's okay. No problem. Good night.

I hope she's not mad with me, Major Houligan.

It's Houlihan,

and how could anyone be angry with you?

Major. Please. Uh...

Call me Charles.

Charles, let me tell you of one experience

that was even more memorable for me.

Yes? Mmhmm.

It was soon after the war,

and Paris was once again the City of Light.

Some friends and I decided to treat the occasion

with the grandeur it deserved.

We got dressed as elegantly as we were able,

and we hired a carriage to take us to the concert.

And this tribute was inspired by who,

uh, Toscanini?

Uh...Heifetz?

No. Spike Jones. Spike Jones?

Charles, Spike, he makes me laugh. He's fun.

Surely there must be some silliness

that makes you laugh.

No. No.

Are you familiar with Tom and Jerry?

The cat and mouse in the cartoon?

Yeah.

It just (laughs)

It just kills me when Tom

runs right off a kitchen table but doesn't fall.

So he just hangs there in midair,

his little feet going furiously.

And then he looks down, and suddenly

Don't you dare tell a soul.

Good heavens, we have talked all night.

I'm due in postop in half an hour.

Oh, mon chou, Where did the time go?

You will be so tired.

Oh, no. Quite the contrary.

I feel quite refreshed.

Well, he wasn't in his bed all night,

so where else could he have been?

Come now, Hawkeye. Let's not jump to conclusions.

On the other hand...

Don't worry, Father. I'm sure

there's a perfectly sordid explanation

for all this.

That joie de vivre of hers

might be just the thing to oil his hinges.

Your translator is here, sir. This is JoonSung Yu.

Well, it's about time. Put her there, Major.

And so, on behalf of Mark Clark,

you will be awarded $100,000 and U. S. citizenship.

Oh. (speaking Korean)

Mark Clark

He says this is a mistake.

He had engine trouble, thought he was in the north,

and put his MIG down on the first road he saw.

He wasn't trying to be a hero. He was trying to,

as I believe you would say, to to save his fanny.

That's close to the way we'd say it, yeah.

He says he wants to go home.

Never heard of Mark Clark. And you can keep your money.