Breakup at a Wedding

Here we come.

Here she is.

Prettiest bride in the world.

Uh-huh.

Isn't she pretty?

I just-- I can't.

I'm sorry. Guys, I need to go back upstairs.

If you truly love someone, elope.

Trust me, I've been shooting these shit shows for over 10 years.

Weddings are supposed to be about true love and commitment.

But come on. That's garbage.

In my experience, everyone's more concerned about how they look,

or the roast beef at the carving station,

or the custom napkin rings than true love.

But I'm an artist. This is what I do.

Nana hates you?

I catch the one time she smiles.

Recent divorcée melting down at the wedding?

I drop some Sarah McLachlan on that shit, make it a moment.

I'm at your rehearsal dinner.

I'm grabbing your home movies.

I'm buying footage off of guests.

I'll give you five bucks for it.

Weddings make people go insane,

but I always edit out the crazy.

That is, until...

I met these two.

Your job is to get everything. That's it.

You got no other job. This is the hotel here.

I want you to do a master, kind of like a pan master wide,

and then I want you to just tilt down on the thing, okay?

Oh, shut the fuck up.

Up until that day, I had operated...

with a strict code of ethics-- a big part of my success.

There are rules to this game.

You don't eat with them.

You don't drink with them.

- You don't flirt with them. - You don't-- them.

A.B.R., baby-- Always be rolling.

My assistants are highly skilled technicians.

This one really upped his game since graduating high school.

Now what you're about to see is a different kind of wedding video--

raw, unfettered.

It is quite simply my masterwork.

You want the other wedding, man. It's right that way.

- Inhale. - Breathe.

I can't get up. But before we go there,

let me introduce you to the bride and groom.

Right over there. You see, that's my guy.

That guy's filming us? That guy's filming us, yeah.

Alison and Phil seemed normal at first.

Alison was your classic people-pleaser.

We want it to be just a really great party.

Just a celebration of families uniting.

These types of brides are always a pleasure...

because they rarely fight me on my methodology...

of complete and total access to your life.

Hey. Oh, was that tonight?

Have you always wanted to get married?

When I was a little girl,

I would, like, take my mom's curtains...

and make them into a veil and walk around.

Your mom and dad must be super happy you're getting married.

Uh, yeah.

I don't know if I mentioned this to you before,

but my mom and dad actually got divorced,

so, um, they're super happy, but separately they're happy--

happier separately than they are together. Um--

I guess that's when the wedding game kind of stopped being fun.

What changed?

Um, Philip.

Uh, I'm in real estate, and I was showing this house...

with these perfect little blue shutters...

and a big tree in the front yard.

And one day Phil stopped in front of this house...

and he looked at me and he said,

"We could be a family."

And--

Sweetheart, isn't she?

You'd never guess that behind those innocent eyes...

was a one-way ticket to Crazyville with a quick stop in Fakersfield.

You all right? Yeah.

Can I get up now? I really-- I'm better. You good?

It usually helps my grandma's anxiety attacks.

Oh, that wasn't an anxiety attack. I'm better.

Oh, you are. You're great. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry.

I just want to make sure you're doing okay.

Oh, honey, I-- he just told me that the carving station's...

gonna have a regular light instead of a red light.

All right? No.

I know it was a concern-- Dad loves red-lit meat.

He specifically mentioned it in an e-mail. Okay, okay, okay.

I'll handle it. I'll handle it. I'll handle it.

The rehearsal dinner-- don't worry about it.

It doesn't matter. The rehearsal dinner was fine.

Grab the kids!

Give him a tour around the room, all right?

Okay. All right, dear? See you later.

Bye.

Testing one, two. Mike check.

Somebody's getting married.

Okay, great. That sounds great.

I was definitely chicken-faced at my sister's wedding.

Yeah, you were.

Oh, check it out. I got something for the boys.

Uh-oh. Oh, shoot. I'm terrified.

Yes, let's see.

Okay, uh-- Hola, Pio Pio Rico.

Wow. That's you.

Shoot, I actually like that, Bena.

Well done, well done.

Grande chupacabra. Yeah.

Over there.

I'm gonna pick up the groom interview.

Most groomholes I work with are either nervous,

drunk or control freaks.

Phil was distracted.

He's so attached to that thing.

It's like it's an extension of his body.

That's, uh-- That's Teddy, right? What? Yeah.

Hey, Al. I just missed your call.

Ooh, videographers are here.

What is it that you love most about Alison?

Whoa. Oh, wow.

Uh, what is it the most that I love about Alison?

Well, Alison is a powerhouse in everything she does.

She loves her job.

She's pretty much the most generous person I've ever met.

Over here. My brother is gonna bug out.

He loves chocolate.

She's got great posture,

which is really awesome considering how chest-heavy she is.

Which is also equally awesome.

Phil's mother really loves pink and chocolate,

so we picked pink and chocolate,

which I like a lot now too.

She wanted us to pay for the whole wedding, which is really cool and mature.

And she just didn't want her dad to, like, give us anything.

Basically we just wanted to throw,

like, a really fun party for all our friends and family.

Little bit fancy.

You know, try to do it right,

no matter what the cost, really.

Love don't cost a thing, man.

It's hot as hell in here.

Can I talk to you for a second outside?

Yes, of course, man. All right.

Camera's off, right? Perfect, perfect.

So, Alison and I are getting married as scheduled.

We are doing this thing.

I have a plan. It's kind of a surprise.

And it is definitely gonna knock Alison's socks off.

That said,

I just, uh, you know--

I can't pay you tonight.

Normally, I would turn my cameras off and go home.

But not this time. I knew too much.

I am heading to a very dark, dark place.

What's up, baby?

So the chef can't do the crème brûlée anymore.

Oh, no. There's like a problem with the burners.

Here's the deal. Phil had been planning to surprise Alison...

with their dream house on their wedding day.

...some female issues. Oh, I've got a Midol in my purse.

Only problem was, Phil didn't count on the wedding costs...

getting so out of control at the same time...

the first house payments were rolling in.

Let's raise a glass in celebration of Philip and Alison's love.

Do you wanna borrow some cash? Yes, please.

From a very wealthy man with more money than you. No offense.

Phil was so in over his head financially that he had even hatched a plan.

He thought if he made his boss-- this guy-- his best man,

he might be able to get an advance out of him in time to save the house.

Trouble with that was, Phil already had a best man--

this guy-- and they went way back.

It's Lucha Tonight. I'm here with Philippe San Pedro.

Philippe San Pedro backs down from no--

Wow!

Oh, my God! Is that Bena?

Phil just couldn't bring himself to break his old pal's heart.

Bena, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God. He's bleeding.

I feel sick to my stomach. Buddy, slow down. Slow down.

She needs this. Take it easy.

That's not the one. Okay. All right.

He had all but given up.

The house was officially going back on the market the Monday after their wedding.

But losing the house wasn't the worst thing that was gonna happen to Phil that weekend.

Let's go! Grab the kids.

Grab the presents. Let's go now.

So this is just our cake,

and then this is the groom's cake surprise for Philip.

Phil loves his iPhone, so I had it specially made...

by the second assistant to the cake master on the Food Network.

She did my cousin's cake.

I can't eat it though, because I have a wheat allergy, so, um--

so they made me a cake, um, which is here.

Looks really good too.

The best part of wireless mikes?

People always forget they're wearing them.