In Living Color

Hi. I'm Loomis Simmons.

Ladies...

are the only breasts your man holds Kentucky fried?

Does he think a "G" spot is a $10 bill?

Well, I can make you the love bucket of his dreams...

when you let me make him jealous.

The plan is simple.

We go to your place, get butt naked...

and do the nasty on your front lawn... in full view of the neighbors.

You can even take Polaroids, if you want.

The Loomis Method has been endorsed...

by leading scientists all over the world... even Albert Einstein.

Let's listen.

The Loomis Method works "indubitally."

Thank you, Albert.

Now, how often will we have this freaky-deaky sex?

As often as possible.

Just listen to another Loomis success story.

Before Loomis, my husband never paid any attention to me.

Now we're together all the time.

Who are you talkin' to? Who are you talkin' to?

I was telling the people how Loomis helps me all the time.

You just get in the house. Get! Damn you, Loomis!

Damn you! Damn you! You just get the hell out of here, Loomis.

- Thanks, Loomis. I really... - Just get in the house.

Just get. Loomis, you bastard.

So what are you waiting for?

Call today.

The number is, uh, 555-3747.

That's, uh, 555-3747...

and that spells, uh...

Remember, the secret to a happy marriage is Loomis...

when you let me make him jealous.

Fox Television presents...

The Best of the 66th Annual Academy Awards...

with your host, Whoopi Goldberg.

Oh, what a year it's been.

- With Robin Williams. - Looks like RuPaul with an orthopedic shoe.

Genitalia not included.

Take me, Malibu Ken.

Whoops. Better get Maaco.

- Uh, Irving Thalberg was a man of high ideals. - That's right...

High ideals and high heels.

Yes, this spring Irving will be stepping out...

in his pink taffeta ensemble that says...

"Excuse me, garçon. I'll have the quiche."

With glamorous stars like Rosie Perez.

Hey, I didn't pay 100 bucks so you could get...

a close up of a rented tux.

I'm a Now get a shot of my or something.

- - Oh, Rosie...

Oh, great goddess of Puerto Rican knockers.

All hail to the lactating wet nurse from hell.

Get some of this, you stupid

It's a night you'll want to relive again and again.

And now it is my great pleasure to introduce to you...

a tribute to the history of sound effects editing...

as interpreted by the Debbie Allen Dancers and the Bill Conti Orch...

You tell 'em sister. Damn!

Hey, Whoopi, I'm white and I'm ready for you.

Who says they can't jump, huh? Whoa.

Man, why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you, for once in your life, just shut up?

Hey, wait a second.

- Shut up. - Whoa. Intense pain. Massive flesh wound.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em... I'm not in Kansas anymore.

The 66th Annual Academy Awards...

The most exciting nine hours ever on television.

Okay, very nice. And...

Oh.! Good cut. All right, great.

Butch is obviously very talented.

We're going to be in touch with your agent. Thanks for coming in today.

You were wonderful. Really. Thanks a lot for coming. Thanks a lot.

Wow. She sucked. Whew!

Next, please. Come on in.

Next dog.

That's all right now, Duke. Now just relax. You is a born actor.

Excuse me, sir. This is the casting session for Beethoven's sidekick.

You want to go down the hall to the left for Honey, I Ran Over the Dog.

See you don't want him to be here.

You want him to play a pimp or a thief'cause he's a black dog.

Thing about it is, if the dog was light skinned, like Old Yeller...

you'd give him a respectable part.

But the thing about it, he could even get him...

an Image Award or something, like Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Sir, I'm sorry. No. We're not going to use your dog, okay?

- We're not going to. - Well, I guess I have to tell Spike Lee about it, huh?

- Go tell whoever you'd like. - I guess I'll go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles...

and get Al Sharpton then.

All right, wait. Not Al. Okay, we'll give your dog a chance.

- All right then. - All right. Now. Your situation...

There's a suitcase of money up in a tree, and Beethoven...

He got locked in a closet somehow, so Duke has to get the suitcase down...

before the villains get to it and take it away from the family, okay?

- All right. All right. - All right.

- And... action. - All right, Duke, remember your lines.

Don't get nervous. Jump up and get the case, Duke.

You see the case, don't you, Duke?

Jump up and get the case, Duke.

- Sir. Sir. - There you go, Duke.

Look, sir, here comes the director. You'll have to talk to him.

Oh, look at that. Don't I know you from somewhere?

Of course you do. I'm a world-famous director. I'm in charge of this film.

Well, you're Miss Butterworth's boy, ain't you?

- I'll be damned. - No, I'm not.

I'll never forget. I knew you was gonna get into film 'cause you loved cameras.

I'll never forget... One time you was takin' a picture of a lion.

The lion rushed you, cut you up into, like, FarmerJohn bacon.

Your mama was gonna cook you, but your father recognized your birthmark.

He said, "Don't cook the boy."

Uh, look, sir, I have no idea what you're talking about.

And anyway, I do not use stuffed animals in my movies.

Well, you know, there's a lot of things that Duke is...

- and one thing is, he is not stuffed. -

He hasn't eaten since 1962.

- Aah! - Sir!

Okay, I'm gonna humor you.

The dog in this movie has to be able...

to revive the wounded woman...

and get her away from the car before it blows up.

Let's see if your dog can do that.

- Humor me. - Come on now, Duke.

- There you go, Duke. - Oh!

- Use your tongue, like I taught you, Duke. -

This is disgusting. I quit.

- Uh... - We need her. She won an Oscar last year.

Come on back. Once you go shepherd, you don't go back.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you have Duke sit right about there.

- Right here. Yeah. Right here. - Right there.

Just have him sit there. We want him to... We want... There you go.

Sit right there, Duke. Just sit still, boy. There you go.

There you go.! Oh.!

Okay, sir, he's dead now, all right?

He's dead. D-E-A-D, dead.

- Dead as Gacy's paperboy, okay? - What do you mean?

Duke's career is never dead. See how he bounces back?

Every time he gets hit, he bounces right back.

All right, sir. Look...

All right, sir, fine. But we're not looking for adult dogs.

We're looking for puppies. We want puppies, okay?

Aw, you should have said so, 'cause he got more bitches than Luther Campbell.

Come on round here.

Sir, we... We don't want... Oh, my God.

There you go. There you go. All the litter right there.

There you go. Hey, y'all stay in line now.

- Security! Leon! Leon! - Boy, y'all some family dogs.

All right, now, y'all gotta jump in the box.

Come on now, Michael, uh, Tito, Jermaine. Come on now.

Oh, y'all acting trifling, then, huh?

Jump in, one at a time.

Petey...

This is so impetuous, running off and getting married like this.

Nothin' too good for you, Tracy.

Hey, look... They even throw rice at you for an extra five dollars.

Five dollars for rice? Good Lord, that's a lot of money.

How about I give 'em a buck and a quarter...

and they throw some black-eyed peas?

Peter. But I'm telling you, I still want a honeymoon.

I've always wanted to see the moon over Paris.

Well, how about the sun over Compton?

Welcome to the Chapel of Wildwood.

Are you young lovers thinking of getting married?

We sure are, Peggy Bundy.

Now how much it cost to get married?

Well, that depends. We have a flat rate of $35.

$35? Good Lord, that's a lot of money.

Well, $25 of that goes for the marriage licences.

All right, check this out. Check this out.

How about I give you a buck and a quarter, and you give me a learner's permit?

I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that.

Peter, I can't believe you're acting this way.

Don't worry. It's okay. I know how nervous people get...

when they're about to get married.

Now. We have a variety of ways to preserve the moment forever.

Okay, seeing that you're a thrifty couple...

you'd probably want the Polaroid pictures.

- Okay, I got one question. - It's 12.95.

- Good Lord! How'd you know I was gonna ask you that? - Lucky guess, sir.

Miss, you mentioned you have a variety of ways to record this event.

What other ways do you suggest?

Well, yes, we could videotape the service. That would cost...

Well, brace yourself, sir. You ready?

39.95.

39.95? Good Lord.

How about I give you four dollars and we use a View-Master?

All right, let's forget the pictures...

but you just aren't a bride...

- without the bouquet. - Oh!

Oh, they smell exquisite.

And a steal at 29.95.

29.95?