Cougar Town

Look at all those little cracks in your heels.

My feet have had some experience, okay, josh?

They've seen things. I didn't mean anything bad.

I so don't care. Seriously.

Oh, boy.

Hello? Why are you out of breath?

'cause I'm sanding down my disgusting elephant heels.

Ugh! With all the shavings here, I could make another foot.

What are you doing? Foreplay.

Oh, that's the stuff.

I gave andy s two free sex cards for the month,

And he's already cashg one in. Work the ass.

Fine.

Oh, my god. Turn on channel 30.

There are women who didn't know they were pregnant

Having babies in toilets. Really?

No. Wrap it up. It's magic time.

You know the deal. Normally, I decide if we have sex,

But if andy uses one of his cards,

I can't say no unless it's my birthday or he's hit me.

You can stay on the phone if you want...

but I'm starting. Hey, you want to hold on for a few minutes?

Call me back. Babies in toilets!

Ooh!

Yes!

Come here, little guy.

Hey, jules! Oh!

Why are you here?

Oh, I came by to, uh, get my saw out of the closet.

You know, it's really hot sleeping on the boat,

And I need a window, like, pronto. I thought that when we got divorced I would finally be able

To enjoy my night snacks without you ruining it.

How can I ruin it? You know, one of those things

Is like eating three double cheeseburgers?

And there it is.

Ugh!

are you happy?

I'm just gonna go and...

Hey, j-bird, I'm sorry. Get out!

Hey, paper buddy.

I just did back-to-back-to-back spinning classes.

The first two were

For this big honking sticky bun I ate last night,

And the other one's for licking the frosting

Off my microwave tray this morning. Why not just skip the sticky bun?

Well, that's just crazy talk.

oh, look who got laid last night.

That's right, chumps.

Missionary accomplished. Bow!

Oh, married sex. You know, we're lucky.

we're both divorced and attractive enough

Not to have to deal with that. You think I'm attractive?

I said we're both attractive. Yeah, but I'm part of "both," right?

All right, so I think you're attractive,

Just like you think I'm attractive. Mm, I don't think you're attractive.

I am sure there's lots of people who think you're attractive,

Just not me. Well, then I don't think you're attractive.

Mm, no take backs. Of course there's take backs. There's always take backs.

Nope. Wh--

So what's the big emergency? This is only, like,

10% of the crap that you still have in this house.

Hey! It's my driver's license. Ugh, I can't believe I was married

To a man who keeps his license in a box. A box marked "important."

It's like you still live here. Is this one of those times when you're pissed at someone else

And you're taking it out on me? Maybe. Look, I am mad

About a very complicated take back situation.

But our marriage is over. I just want this stuff outta here.

Consider it done.

Thank you. Hot damn! Baby, you know what this is?

"bobby and jules doink." I guess it's our old sex tape.

this goes in the keep pile, my dear.

No! You would show it to all your friends. Unh-unh.

Wow. Butt-naked 19-year-old you is stupid hot!

Look at my boobs! Wow. I think they were so big

'cause I was nine weeks pregnant with travis when we made this.

But I didn't know it yet,

So that's why I was drinking beer. Mm. That's a good point, I could be pregnant right now.

Pay attention to this part. This is where I'm dancing on the bed. Oh, a running man.

Cute. And, uh, stop.

after that, it gets all intercourse-y.

Oh, no one wants that. No.

oh, pizza time.

Wait. What?

Please. You know you want me to.

You know, in a weird way,

This is actually kind of sweet and--

oh, babe! oh!

Oh, my god! I've eaten off that table!

Stop hurting jules!

You turned it back on? Stop it!

We c. Well, then stop looking at it!

I can't stop looking. God, what are you doing?!

We were in love. oh!

Oh, travis. What are you guys watching?

News. "tootsie."

Tv's broken.

"tootsie."

Pizza's on the floor.

Oh, honey, this is so sad.

What?

I'm just taking out the trash.

And if my neighbor happens to find me attractive,

Then, well, I win.

Win what?

I don't know. Stop asking stupid questions.

Sweetie, nobody wears boob tape before 10:00 a.M.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Bravo! Again!

I know you think I'm cute.

You just don't want to say it. Well, I've got an idea.

Oh, great. It's probably not insane at all.

Every night at 10:00 sharp, I'm gonna look out my window,

And if your porch light is on,

I'm gonna know that's a signal that you think I'm attractive.

And you'll never have to say it to my face.

You've got old noodles all in your hair and...

oh! Somebody's obsessed with my hair!

see you at 10:00, buddy boy!

How'd it go? He's a jerk, and my hair smells like pad thai.

Are you watching my sex tape?

Yeah, but with the volume down, so it's not weird.

It's still weird.

You know, I used to be that young and hot, and now at night,

I sit in front of that damn magnifying mirror

And pick at things that don't need to be picked,

And all I see staring back at me is a big pile of old.

Honey, it is not you. It's that damn little mirror.

Look. Mine's right here. I spent the whole morning

In the bathroom just staring at myself,

And then I got hungry, so I came down here

And poked at my face while I ate a bagel. You know, some mirrors are friends.

That big one in my closet let me wear white pants today.

Well, not this one. This one is evil.

Oh, god. I have so many chin whiskers.

I look like carny folk.

So many times, I just want to throw this thing out.

Don't. I have to. Give me some tweezers.

Salad tongs. Something.

So where are we supposed to put all this stuff?

All the essentials stay onboard.

Everything else--well...

No one goes behind that garage much, so...

So as a grown man, you think it's a good idea to store

Most of your earthly possessions in the woods?

Calm down. What's a squirrel gonna do with a blender?

Mm-hmm. Ooh!

no way!

My old cheeto. Man, this thing's, like, 15 years old.

It saved it 'cause it looks exactly like bruce willis.

It must be worth, like, three times its original value now.

Trav, I dare you to eat it.

What? No. Come on, little buddy.

My daddy used to dare me to eat things all the time.

I mean, I ate four bottle caps once. Three have not passed,

And I'm cool with that, 'cause doing things with my pops

Made me the n I am today. Well, that's a great sell, dad,

But I'm still leaning toward "no."

Come on. One time. No. No. No. No.

Whoo! I'd like to be your bike seat!

laurie!

What? (laughs) it's fun.

You do it. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Come on. There's a hot jogger.

oh, fine.

Hey, sweet cheeks! Come to mama!

go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! I can't!

Laurie, come on!

Well, hey, laurie.

Mama. I didn't mean what I said.

No, no, no. They really are very, very sweet cheeks.

Hey, maybe this will help pass the time,

If I just... Oh! Ooh!

So cool on the skin.

Oh, you know what? You're just an arrogant jerk

Who left his wife to have sex with teenagers.

Guilty. But it is kooky how many women find me attractive.

I mean, they range in age from 18 all the way up

To, like-- well, how old are you?

all right, that's it. I'm walking, laurie.

See you at the office. Excuse me.

So which way are we going?

You want me to walk ahead so you can look at my buns? Ugh.

Didn't think that one through, diyou?

Quiet time.

What are you doing?

Uh, getting the camcorder.

I knew I'd regret telling you about jules' sex tape.

Sex tape? Wh-wh-wh... it's not happening, andy.

Come on!

Grayson thinks he's god's gift to women.

I bet he thinks all we do is sit around

Talking about him all day, wondering what he's thinking. Like we care what he thinks.

I bet he thinks his ex is all sad and pining for him. Aw.

Poor vivian. She gave him her best years.

Oh, honey. Were you two close? So close!

I went over and borrowed an ace bandage from her once.

She let me keep it. She sounds amazing.

You know, we should go check on her.

You want to go see if I think you're cuter than grayson's ex? Well, I mean, only if you do.

Cute shoes, good shirt, bad skirt.

Good skirt, good top, bad shoes.