Superstore

That's the face, nose, and that's the mouth.

It has a mouth! Oh, great.

Nobody does a fail video quite like a Russian.

Dina, take a look. It's perfect.

- Yeah, it's fine. - Do you want to see it in 4-D?

- Really? - Okay.

What the ?

- Oh, it's a miracle. - Uh-huh.

The doctor says it's normal for the head to be

so much bigger than the rest of the body.

I've heard that successful people

have unusually large heads. Look at the Burger King.

Hmm.

Could they tell the sex?

Well, the doctor wrote it down

and put it in this envelope, so here goes nothing.

Wait. You're gonna just do that right here?

You guys should do something special.

Jerry's whole family came to the hospital

for his catheter removal.

The doctor even let his mom hold his penis

while the nurse pulled out the tube.

- Oh. - Or, we could get a cake,

and then, when you slice into it,

it's either pink or blue.

Or we could all get paintball guns,

and shoot each other, and the paint

could either be blue or pink.

So we'd all be like, ah, ooh, it hurts,

but you guys would like, ha ha.

It's a girl, bitch.

Funny to think that it has genitals, right?

It's like, I could have a stranger's tiny penis

just whipping around inside me.

Sounds like my Saturday night.

So what do you think? Is it gonna be

- a Glenn or a Glenda? - Ugh, Glenda would be rough.

If I was a boy, I was gonna be Donald.

Donald?

- Yeah. - It just sounds like,

I'm Don Sosa, and have I got a car for you.

Um, more like, and up next, batting for the Cardinals,

- number 34, Don Sosa! - Oh, no, no way.

I'm-a Don-a Sosa.

Please come to my villa so I may make-a love to you.

But I work at the Cloud 9.

- Yes. - So we go to my

tiny apartment, we make the love...

You come visit me, do not worry,

do not you worry, you sit-a on-a my twin bed.

I'm-a make-a my roommate go away,

- he don't even looking. - Makea the love many times

- on the coupons. - I give you half off the love making.

All right, I should get back to...

- I should go find Kelly. - You guys doing funny accents?

I am not a crook.

Ronald Reagan.

Uh, excuse me? Are you pregnant or just fat?

- Pregnant. - Okay, good.

Uh, quick question, do you have any feelings of,

I don't know, overwhelming panic and a desire to flee?

- Is that your first? - Yeah.

Well, technically it's not mine.

- It's my boss's. - Uh, okay.

Uh, little advice. Get the C-section.

With my first, I was in labor for 36 hours.

Finally, I bit off part of my tongue, I passed out...

Sorry, didn't mean to eavesdrop,

but I had a C-section. Not great.

They couldn't get my uterus back in after,

and they had to just keep shoving and punching it in

- like an overstuffed duffel. - I had to have twins.

Breech birth, in the back of an Altima.

Some EMT cut me from hole to hole.

Nope. Nope. Absolutely not.

Justine, we need pink and blue balloons.

Heather, you're on mason jars.

And Sandra, I need you to make a melon baby.

- What's a melon baby? - You know, a melon baby.

- I can do it if Sandra can't. - No, no, I can do it.

- I'll do it. - Great. Any questions?

Okay, break.

- Guess who? - Oh, hey, Jeff.

- Ah, well, Jonah ruined it. - Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm on a break from Target.

Thought I would stop by and say hi.

- How's your new job? - Oh, at Target?

Well, it's Target. It's the big leagues.

Well, uh, thank you for visiting.

It was good seeing you, but these carts

aren't gonna put themselves away, so.

Oh, uh, okay, well, then I'm going to do a little

shopping for supper. Don't tell the folks at Target.

I'm kidding, they don't need my business, they're Target.

Everything okay with you guys?

Yep, yeah, just spending a lot of time together.

Really? I feel like managing a Target

- would take a lot of time... - He doesn't work at Target.

Okay, he didn't even make it past the phone interview.

Wait, he's been lying?

He's been too embarrassed

to admit he's unemployed. Just because

Kathy, no, I can't come in early.

Just handle it yourself or consult the Target handbook.

It's work.

They cut off his cell phone service a month ago, so.

No, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that.

We're not doing that. We're not doing that.

We're not doing that.

Take this, it's just sitting there, tempting me like a redhead.

Uh, sure.

Under no circumstances let me see

what's inside that envelope.

This is a terrible, wonderful responsibility.

Can I see what's in that envelope?

- No. - Wow, you're good.

It's been a difficult birth.

The mother has lost a lot of blood.

And the pain is unbearable.

The farmer moves in to put her down.

- Jesus. - Dina, some of the customers

are asking if we can change the channel.

Oh.

The farmer is unsuccessful on his first try.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Hey, Glenn, need to talk to you when you have a minute.

- Is something wrong? - No, no, no.

They just sent us the wrong receipt paper again,

and I also decided I no longer want to carry your baby,

so we'll just go over all that.

The baby's in a sack anyway. I'm just suggesting

we take out that sack, and stuff it into someone else.

Maybe Sandra.

Yeah, I don't think that technology exists.

What technology?

I'm talking about moving a bag of garbage

from the kitchen to the side of the house.

Bag of garbage?

You can't just move it.

It's attached to things.

Fine, fine, that's just one idea.

We can come up with something else.

- What is going on? - It's okay.

- Dina, I know this is scary... - Okay, okay, how about this?

We induce a coma, okay? In five months,

I wake up empty and happy and everybody wins.

All right, don't just say no, all right?

We can find a solution. We just have to keep talking

until we figure something out.

Hey, Garrett. We need the envelope.

Glenn said he gave it to you.

We're gonna fill this piñata with either pink or blue candy.

So people are gonna beat that baby with a stick

till it bursts open and spews candy guts everywhere?

Yep, that's what I said too.

Do whatever you want. I don't care.

- Did you lose it? - No.

Why do you sound nervous?

Why do you sound like a cartoon mouse?

It's funny.

Hey, is this the only gumbo mix you have?

- I think so. - Mmm.

You know, at Target, the selection is just,

Mind blowing.

I mean, that's why we call it Target.

That's what everybody's aiming for.

It's a nice store.

There's this guy I work with named Gordon,

who reminds me so much of you. The other day, I was like,

"Hey, Jordan", like I combined your name and his name.

- God, did we laugh, oh. - That's funny.

Um, you know, you don't have to talk about the job so much.

Why would you tell Jeff what I said?

I didn't, he's just really good at reading people.

Like, not psychic, but he's operating

on a very high level.

Well, now he feels even worse about himself.

So why don't you just encourage him to get back out there?

Okay, he quit his job for me.

I can't be the one who criticizes him for not working.

I guess I could try talking to him, if you want.

Oh, well, I mean, he does respect you.

But you can't sleep with him.

Yeah, no, I will try and control myself.

Okay.

The name is Glenn and Jerusha Sturgis.

I need to know the gender of their baby.

Okay, sure, one second.

Hello, it's me, Glenn Sturgis.

I seem to have lost the envelope the doctor wrote

the gender of my little angel in and...

What?

That's exactly how he sounds.

You have no idea how spot on I was.

I did not think this through.

And now, I have a horrible parasite

just eating and pissing inside me.

My friend Corona swallowed a tape worm

to lose weight, and it ate one of her organs.