Two and a Half Men

* Men...

* Mmm... mmm

Morning.

Mmm. Morning.

Charlie, please don't start anything.

Too late. I woke up started.

I have to get to work.

Okay, I've got a job for you.

We'll finish this tonight.

I may have to finish this myself.

Knock yourself out.

It's no fun if you have permission.

So, Charlie, I was thinking maybe tonight

we could stay at my place.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Charlie?

I'm sorry, did you say something?

I said maybe tonight we could stay at my place.

You want to play on my face?

Stay at my place.

Oh.

What about it?

I've been coming here for the past three weeks,

and it's like an hour drive for me to get to work.

Well, I'd be happy to spring for a cab.

It's not the drive, you idiot.

You just said it was the drive.

What I mean is if we're gonna see each other

on a regular basis, there should be some give and take.

Based on last night, we're pretty even Steven

in the give-and-take department.

And if I recall correctly, you're up one "take."

Hey, of the two of us, I'm the one with tennis elbow.

So what about tonight?

I'd love to, but it might be a little tricky.

Why?

: Oh, I knew she'd ask me that.

I'm starting to get the feeling

that you only want to see at your place

and at your convenience.

No, of course not.

Well, then fine, you'll stay at my place tonight.

Sounds great.

Lookin' forward to it.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Doesn't matter, just as long as you and I are together.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Why would you even ask me that?

I'm guessing he either robbed a liquor store

or killed a drifter.

Do I need to call your mother and ask her?

If you want to, but you know how she pushes your buttons.

I'll take that chance.

Fine, I don't care.

All right, all right! I got thrown off the school bus.

You got the spine of a gummy bear.

Why were you thrown off the bus?

Well, actually, it's a funny story.

Amuse me.

Have you ever heard of this thing called mooning?

Yeah. Yeah, it rings a bell.

The bus was going past the girls' track team

and a bunch of us thought it'd be funny to moon them.

See, she gets it.

Berta.

Sorry. I'm just remembering my prom.

So what happened?

Well, I was working near the high school that night,

and I thought it would be fun to drive the backhoe...

No. Not you.

Him.

Well. Excuse me for sharing.

What happened?

Well, it sounds like Berta had quite a prom.

You're skating on thin ice, Jake.

Boy, that's something we haven't done in a long time-- skating.

Jake!

Mom grounded me for two weeks.

Why didn't your mother tell me about this?

I promised I'd tell you.

What can I say? She believed me.

So how about a movie? A little father-son bonding.

No, no. No movies.

Skating? No skating.

Fine.

Also no TV, no video games,

no cell phones, and no iPods--

Couldn't you just smack me with a belt and get it over with?

Get out of here.

I'm bored.

* Men...

Oh, man.

What's the matter?

Did you know that Culver City

is all the way down near the airport?

Yes.

That's gotta be like 45 minutes from here.

If there's no traffic.

Traffic?

Is this Culver City place popular?

Not particularly, but there are other people with cars

living lives completely separate from your own.

Oh, right.

I hate those people.

"So what's in Culver City?," he asked,

knowing the only possible answer.

Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way

over to her place just so we can spend the night together?

Aw, you poor guy.

You have to drive 45 minutes to get laid.

And 45 minutes to get back.

That's 90 minutes behind the wheel

for 20, 30 minutes behind...

Well, I don't need to draw you a map.

You're breaking my heart.

And it's not just that.

She said there's only street parking.

Which means trees.

And trees have that, you know, toxic syrup

that drips out of them and gets all over your car.

Sap.

If I make that drive, I am.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You always said that it was better to go

to the woman's house so that you could make a quick getaway.

Yeah, for one-nighters that's fine.

But this girl, I care about.

We've been seeing each other for almost a month.

And yet you just found out where she lives.

There's a difference between caring and stalking, Alan.

Hey, Dad, I need my laptop.

What for? Homework.

What homework?

Um... Damn, you're good.

* Men...

Thanks for driving all the way over here, Charlie.

Are you kidding?

I would've walked here if I had to.

Probably would've been faster with the traffic.

Good night.

Good night.

What are you doing?

I heard a car door.

Your Mercedes is fine, Charlie.

I know, I know.

Just double-checking.

Probably gonna get sap all over the car cover.

Isn't that what it's for?

You don't get it. That's fine.

No TV in the bedroom, huh?

It's in the living room.

You just got the one?

How many do I need?

Well, you've got three rooms and a bath, so... four.

If you want to go watch television instead of cuddling,

that's up to you.

No, no, I'd much rather cuddle.

At my house, we could do both.

You know, cuddling and Sportscenter.

Good night, Charlie.

Sweet dreams.

What now?

Nothing. I'm just used to sleeping

on the other side of the bed.

Yeah, so?

So I usually sleep on my left side,

which faces me towards the edge of the mattress.

But here, I'm facing the back of your head--which is fine;

there are certainly times when I enjoy seeing it

from that angle--

but, you know, when I'm trying to sleep,

it's a little disconcerting.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is my side.

But you sleep on the other side at my house.

Because it's your house; this is my house.

But I'm a guest.

And I'm the guest at your house.

That's different. How?

Give me a minute.

Good night, Charlie.

Boy, you're being pretty inflexible.

Oh, you think I'm inflexible.

Well, not physically,

but you got to admit in this regard,

you're a little stubborn.

Good night, Charlie.

Okay. Good night.

How about this?

If we switch sides and an armed intruder came in,

I could leap up and protect you.

But this way, you're pretty much guaranteed

to catch the first bullet.

What if he comes through the window?

Oh, great.

Now I'm never gonna get to sleep.

Jake?

You'd better not be watching TV.

Ah.