Ebony & Ivory

So, how was your journey?

Very, very, very, very long.

It was a very, very, very, very long journey.

Let there be absolutely no doubt about that.

Oh, funny, is it?

Yes, it's funny!

This is one of my famous hot cups of tea that say,

'Welcome to my Scottish Cottage'.

'Scottish Cottage?'

Shit and fuck! Shit and fuck!

How's the hot cup of tea?

Not bad. Not great.

What kind of hot cup of tea is it?

It's called Lapsang Souchong.

Oh yeah.

I know that tea.

It's the smoky tea.

It's possibly the smokiest tea out there.

I mean, am I right about that?

Oh yes you are.

She's a smoky brew.

Give her an inhalation.

Don't mind if I do.

Do you like it?

It's got a very distinct flavour.

Smell like pee pee.

Tastes like pee pee.

Is that what they say?

That's not cheap, mate.

That's an expensive brew.

And I steeped it for exactly the right amount of time.

You're sounding pretty ungrateful there.

Maybe you want to take that back?

Take what back?

Take what you said back.

Back where?

You what?

I never take anything back.

Not usually anyway.

But okay, I'll take that back.

Only because I just arrived

and I want everything here to go smoothly...

If you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

Well, I mean I kind of do know what you mean.

I'm just trying to talk like you. In riddles.

I don't talk in riddles.

I just talk like me.

I'll talk like me and you talk like you.

You don't have to tell me to talk like me.

I am me.

I've always been me.

Anyway, it's dinner time.

Oh, it's chow time, is it?

It's time to do the munchy-munchy.

And how exactly do I find the dining room

when I've never set foot in this Scottish Cottage before?

We have ways of getting you

into the dining room

for the veggie casserole, mate.

Hey, hey! That tickles!

Yeah, it kinda does, right?

I hooked my fingers in your armpits.

I was wondering if that was your fingers.

Yes, it's me fingers.

Well?

What was that that we ate?

Exactly. And I mean exactly.

It was a vegetarian ready-meal.

A vegetarian ready-meal?

The wife has a range of vegetarian foods.

We just had one of them.

You and me.

I grabbed it out of the freezer.

Are you actually a vegetarian?

I'm a proper veggie, mate.

Ah. And you know what I am?

No. What are you?

I'm a sometimes-atarian.

Oh, okay.

That sounds exotic.

So-a, sometimes-a I eat-a the meat-a.

And sometimes-a I eat-a the sausage-a.

So, sometimes-a you eat-a the sausage-a?

It's a possibility-a?

No-a. I-a don't-a eat-a of the sausage-a.

It's-a not-a a possibility-a.

It's gone awfully quiet.

Come on.

What's this all about, you travelling all the way here?

You came here by car.

You came here by plane.

I did NOT come here by plane!

You came a long, long, long, long way.

That has to mean somethin'.

So, what's this all about?

Oh, we'll get to that.

Aren't you pleased to see me?

If you're pleased to see me,

then you'll build a real log fire in here

and warm up this Scottish Cottage

for the two dirty great big musical legends

who are gathered here right now, right here

in this most especially Scottish Cottage!

Okay, here we come.

We've got a roaring log fire right now.

Here we come, mate!

Slide me one more of your fizzy beers.

This is another Wee Billy's Big Wee Fizzy Beer.

This is the Green Man.

Aah.

Go upstairs.

Make yourself comfortable.

Have a bubble bath.

I'll get the fire crackling.

See you in a few momentitos.

Momentitos?

It's...too...hot!

Shit and fuck! Shit and fuck!

I'm going to pour you

a Wee Billy's Big Wee Frisky Whisky.

Here you go, mate.

This whisky is from the actual Mull of Kintyre.

Aaaah!

You're meant to sip it, mate.

You ever been on a journey so long

that your thirst became truly biblical in its enormity?

You what?

Fill me up immediately and no half measures!

Here you go, mate.

Numero dos!

Aaah!

Hey, you know what I was thinkin'?

What exactly were you thinkin'?

I was thinking we could have a bit of a doobie woobie.

A bit of a what?

A bit of a doobie woobie.

Just a little tug.

Come on.

Just a little tug?

Just a little tug!

Of a doobie woobie?

A little tug of a doobie

and a little tug of a woobie while we're at it!

I mean, I did travel a long, long, long, long way

to get here.

And a man needs to relax.

A man has to relax.

THE man has to relax.

'The' man?

THE man.

THE myth.

THE legend.

THE man?

THE myth?

THE legend?

Who's that?

Me!

Even I need to relax sometimes.

Even you?

Even me.

And how exactly will even you relax?

Maybe the specific way that even I need to relax

is with the help of what's his name.

Yes. And what is his name?

You just told me his name.

So, what is his name?

What is his name?

I'll give you a clue.

His initials are D.W.

His initials are D.W.

Yes, he has two names.

One begins with D.

The other begins with W.

D.W.

Hmm.

Come on. Think about it.

Okay. D.W.

Come on, mate.

D.W. D.W...

That's it. Come on, mate.

Can you give me a clue as to what his name might be?

His second name is Woobie.

Second name Woobie...