Sincerely Louis C.K.

C.K.! C.K.!

Louis! Louis!

Louis! Louis! Louis!

Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sit down, please. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh...

All right. Nice to see you all.

Thanks for coming.

I've been thinking about you all day.

How are you? How -- how was your last couple of years?

How...

How was 2018 and '19 for you guys?

Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble,

anybody else...

Fuck!

That was crazy...

Man, I was in a lot of trou--

Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface.

That's gonna to be...

That's going to make it a lot worse.

Because there is a lot of those, there's thousands of pictures

of me in blackface.

I can't stop doing it, I just...

I like it, I like how it feels.

Fuck, man, that was...

You know what? I learned a lot.

I learned a lot -- I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant

with people giving me the finger from across the room.

When you get in trouble,

you learn who your real friends are.

It's true -- people like saying that like that's a good thing.

Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are?

You don't want to know that.

Believe me, you don't want to know.

It's never who you want it to be.

It's not your cool friends and it's not your fun friends.

It's your real friends.

"I'm here for you."

I fucking know that.

I have this friend, she's the best person I know,

but I sometimes want to punch her in the face

because she's so nice --

because I'm not a good person.

Like, I'll tell her something I'm having problems with,

and she'll say, "I'm going to pray on that for you."

I have a feeling when she prays, God's like, "Ugh!

Fuck!

This one makes me want to get out of the business."

You guys think there's a God? How many --

How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God.

How many people?

All right. About 30 out of 1,400.

That's nice. That's nice.

That shit's over.

It's just fucking over.

You go into a church, it's like going to a roller skating rink

on a Wednesday, it's like...

"This used to be something! What happened?"

I don't know. I don't think there's a God.

And that's not a conviction. I just don't suppose.

I just -- I just reckon there ain't.

I reckon there ain't no lord.

And because I don't believe there's a God,

I fucking hope there's not a God.

I fuckin' hope -- Oh, please!

If you don't believe in God, you better fucking hope --

you better get on your knees and pray.

Please, God, don't be.

'Cause that's a bad thing to be wrong about.

That's a bad wrong.

You're an atheist your whole life and you die

and you're like, "Aw, fuck!

Aw, you're shitting -- with a beard and everything.

Fuck! Aww...

Hey, I -- I dunno...

Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep."

Being wrong the other way is not a big problem.

If you believe in God and you're wrong,

you don't really have a problem.

It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life.

And then at the end, you're just seriously disappointed

for like a second -- it's the last feeling you get to have.

You die, you're like, "Nothing?

Seriously? Nothing?"

"Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry."

"Sorry, you're just garbage now."

If you don't believe in God, that's what you believe --

that when you die, you're just garbage.

You are your family's newest garbage.

My mom died last year and we asked her, like,

"What do you want," like, before she died, we didn't --

We didn't ask her at -- "Ma! Ma!

Fuck!"

I asked my mom what we wanted --

what she wanted to do with her body.

And she said, "Just burn it."

Burn it.

What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck?

She didn't want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing.

So she booked it herself.

That was her last act as an American consumer.

She went online with a credit card

and she booked her own cremation.

It's true -- at a place called Boston Crematorium.

Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day.

They just folded my mom into the workload.

We didn't even know, just this guy showed up.

"I'm here for your ma."

"All right, Sully, she's in there."

And he went in there to prepare her.

My sisters are waiting in the hall

and he was in there for a while.

I didn't say anything. I'm just...

Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time.

That's all I'm saying.

And also that I was worried

he was fucking my dead mother.

Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag

and... and he put her in a van.

Just a -- his van.

It's like a '98 Ford Windstar

with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back.

It's the last time I saw my mom.

That's what she wanted.

She didn't believe in this God shit.

Just didn't.

I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus...

uh, Christ,

and, um...

I don't remember why,

but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish

and my friend said, "He was?"

And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish.

And he said, "I don't think so."

And I said, that's okay, it already all happened.

Doesn't matter where you think.

But he'd argued with me. He was like, "Dude,

Jesus couldn't be Jewish. Think about it."

I'm like, "You fucking think about it, you idiot.

What d-- What was he then? You're...

What, was he Presbyterian? What was he?

Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic

and he had a gold chain with a cross.

And when they nailed him up, he was like,

"Oh, that's why we have those!"

"That finally makes sense. I didn't even know.

Oh, fuck, that's me! I'm the little guy on it!"

Every religion has a strange story or a rule

that doesn't make sense to me.

You know, like every time there's a terrorist act,

they always tell you on the news

about how they believe they're all going to heaven.

And every guy who does a jihad thing

and he gets 72 virgins, that's right.

That's the story, always 72 virgins.

Which, first of all, who are those women?

Who are the 72 virgins?

Does God have to kill 72 nice girls?

"All right, ladies, uh,

the good news is you're going to heaven.

The weird news..."

Or does God just make 'em fresh like farm raised salmon?

He just whips up 72 women.

"All right. Nobody fuck these. I'm saving them for that guy."

It's a weird concept.

You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity.

First of all, they're only virgins when you first get them.

Once you start fucking them, it's over.

After a week, he's like, "I only have three left."

"And 69 whores."

That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God's life

when he's handing off 72 virgins

to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv,

and he's like, "All right. Uh...

The fuck am I doing? I don't even know anymore.

I need a drink."

I'm curious about God. I'm curious about his life.

I'm curious about God's existence.

What's that like to be God?

You know, we don't know anything about him.

I think one reason people don't believe in him,

because we don't have a sense of God

because he doesn't say anything anymore.

Used to talk all the time,

used to go up to people on the street, "Hey!"

Writing on the rocks -- "Look at that! Do it!"

And it was conf-- Everybody's like,

trying to figure it out.

And then for 2,000 years, he just --

"Mm, meh." Nothing! Says nothing!

And everybody's fighting.

He could clear a lot of shit up

with a five-minute press conference.

If God spoke for five minutes, he'd solve a lot of problems.

He'd just show up, "All right, everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord.

Okay, real quick.

First of all, Mormons, just: no.

What is that? Just go home.