Two and a Half Men

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'd rather not say.

I'm trying to open these cinnamon buns.

Why?

I thought I'd try and do a little baking.

Ah.

You drunk?

A little bit.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Why is it child-proof?

Are kids o.d.'ing on this stuff?

Have you considered reading the instructions?

Ooh, listen to Mr. College Boy.

"To open, strike sharply on edge of counter."

Really?

Really.

All right. I'll play along.

: I christen thee H.M.S. Kitchen Table.

Godspeed.

I think we got a bad bun tube.

Gimme.

You just gotta know how to whack it.

I bow to your superior expertise.

So, how come you're all spiffed up?

I've got a date.

Oh, two nights in a row.

So, who's the glutton for punishment?

At the risk of tooting my own horn,

I am actually seeing two different women.

Wow, two women. Yeah.

And yet you're still tooting your own horn.

Hey, you know what's fun?

When you can talk 'em into tooting each other's horns.

I'm not seeing them at the same time.

Well, that makes it more difficult.

But not impossible.

You put the icing on after it comes out of the oven, right?

Right. Drizzle, don't squeeze.

Thus spake the whacker.

So, what prompted this break from serial monogamy?

I don't know, I'm just tired

of putting all my eggs in one basket.

The basket being a woman? Yes.

And the eggs being your bun tube?

No, see, the thing is, when I'm just dating

one woman at a time, if she dumps me...

When she dumps you.

Either way, I have to start from scratch

finding a new woman.

However, when I'm dating two women,

if one of them dumps me...

When one of them dumps you.

Either way, I'm not alone.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

You're saying that it's advantageous

to date more than one woman at a time?

Good Lord, man, you're a genius!

Yeah, ha-ha.

We must tell other men!

Okay, maybe I'm a little late to the party.

A little late?

The girl already jumped out of the cake

and everybody's had a piece.

Well, late or not, I'm here.

And it turns out when it comes to 40-year-old,

divorced moms in the San Fernando Valley,

I'm quite the catch.

I'm not surprised. You're not?

Lights out at fat camp,

a jelly bean is steak tartar.

Hey, I'm single, employed, disease-free, well-read,

cute as a bug and perfectly capable

of pretending to like other people's children.

Impressive.

Do these broads know that

you're dipping your chip in the salsa and the guacamole?

What?

You know, hittin' two pinatas with one stick?

Toppin' off both tanks with the same hose?

Throwin' your balls down two alleys?

Still don't get it?

No, I got it. And, uh, and thank you.

Um... but no, they don't know.

These are divorced Valley moms

trolling for a new schmuck to replace the old schmuck.

And you let them think that might be you?

It's not like I have to lie.

Look at me-- I scream schmuckdom.

They're rising.

It's a miracle.

Yes, the miracle of yeast.

I gotta go.

Go, my son.

Drizzle thy frosting

on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie.

It's no big deal.

Those chefs on TV act

like they're curing leprosy or something.

Can you make meat loaf?

Does it come in a tube?

No-- God-- it comes on a plate.

Can I have some of that?

Beer? No.

Why not?

Because when you're 14,

you don't ask your uncle for beer.

Who do I ask?

I don't know... try hangin' outside a liquor store

and look for a guy wearing house slippers and talking to himself.

What's his name?

You can't have any beer, Jake.

Man, I thought you were cool.

I am. And you know what makes me cool?

The fact that your opinion means less than squat to me.

How old were you when you had your first beer?

13... two... 32.

Yeah, right.

Listen, we're not talking about me.

We're talking about you.

What about me?

Well, it's like this:

Alcohol is for people who can afford

to lose a few brain cells.

Yeah? So?

I rest my case.

What case?

* Men.

Morning, buddy.

How do you like your eggs?

In an Easter basket.

Scrambled it is.

Morning. Morning.

Whatcha doing?

Cooking breakfast.

How do you like your eggs?

Sunny side up.

Scrambled it is.

Cooking for Dummies.

No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody.

What brought this on?

I Don't know. I...

thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.

Uh-huh.

What?

I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs

are gonna get you laid.

You and me both.

I got it!

Hello?

Oh! Oh, hi, Stephanie.

Yeah, yeah, I, uh, I had a great time, too.

Yes, it-it was special.

I-I don't usually do that on a first date either.

Thank you for letting me do that, by the way.

Uh... Uh... Tonight?

Uh... Oh, gee. Hey, Alan!

How do you like your eggs?

Uh, uh, one sec.

Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight,

but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?

Scrambled it is.

Uh, uh, the thing is, uh, I already made plans,

uh, with my, uh, you know, son, who I love dearly.

What are we doing?

Nothing. Go away.

Oh, oh, w-what are we doing?

Uh, uh, well, he and I have this, uh, this father-son thing

uh, where once a week, we...

uh, uh... Rent go-karts.

Rent go-karts.

And, uh... and, uh...

Eat pizza.

And eat pizza. And, uh...

And drink beer.

And drink... Go away!

Uh... and, and drink, uh, uh, a lot of water,

which the body needs to, uh, to stay healthy.

Um, anyway, we-we're on for Saturday, right?

Uh, okay, uh, uh, great, great.

Good. I-I'll see you then.

Okay, bye.

We're not going go-karting, are we?

No.

You're using me for your own purposes, aren't you?

Here's $20.

Hey, Alan.

Taste these.

Why does it smell like bourbon?

The book said "season to taste."

Just kidding. I spilled.

N-No, thank you.