Family Guy

Say, you fellas know if Jerome serves dessert here?

I got a real hankering for pudding.

That's so weird.

I was just thinking about pudding on the way over here.

Okay, well, you two are clearly in love,

but I could also go for some pudding.

Why we all got pudding on the brain?

It's got to be that new billboard

advertising pudding on the highway.

We all drove past it on the way here.

Huh. Well, that's no surprise.

Everyone in my house can get very excited

by a good ad campaign.

Lois! Lois, it's back!

I heard, Peter! I heard!

Kids, kids, it's happening!

Get your coats! This is what we practiced for!

I love you, Dad!

I love you, too, sweetheart!

None of the past matters!

Oh, yeah, I seen that pudding billboard.

It's that one that says "CBS Outdoor Advertising" on it.

Yeah, but right above that is, like, a big guy eating pudding.

I don't remember none of that.

I just remember "CBS Outdoor Advertising"

on the bottom and three pigeons sitting on top.

You're bad at looking at billboards.

Hey, we should go check it out right now.

Ordinarily I'd say no, but that adult kickball league

is coming in for drinks, so let's get out of here.

Guys, check it out.

I've got flip-up shades on my flip-up shades.

Dude, you are the worst.

Hey, we're all the worst.

That's real pudding in there.

What? No, it isn't.

They wouldn't put real pudding on a billboard, Peter.

Do you have any idea how crippled you sound right now?

Peter, it's not real pudding.

God, sometimes I just want to shake some sense into you.

Big talk for a guy who looks like a dad

at a Dave Matthews' concert.

Everybody hates how you dress, right, Joe?

Sorry, I stay out of fashion debates.

I've been burned one too many times.

Hey, guys, notice anything different?

Yeah, Minetti's got a hot new look.

The whole thing, it just works.

Minetti.

Look, there's only one way to settle this.

I am climbing that billboard to prove it's real pudding.

Moisturizer?

Sure. Okay.

We getting on into the chappy season.

Peter, be careful up there!

Is this being careful enough, Joe?

Okay. All right.

Peter, are you okay?!

All right, there's no pudding, but there is a kid up here.

Don't hold him like that.

Oh, my God!

Peter, that's the lost Nicholson kid!

He's been missing for a week!

Oh, yeah.

They arrested a custodian 'cause of you.

Peter, stay put. I'll call this in,

and we'll get a crew out here to help you both down.

All right, but can you hurry it up?

I got band practice later.

I love playing the maracas.

They're so fun.

I wonder what's in them.

Sand or rice probably.

Maybe it's little shells.

Oh, no, what if it's bones?

No, no, bones are too big.

But baby bones aren't.

No, no, no, nobody would kill a bunch of babies for maracas.

How would you kill all those babies anyway?

I'd probably put them in a tub.

You could kill, like, eight at a time that way.

Plus, it softens them up,

so you can get the bones right out.

Joe just had a baby.

And I got a baby at home.

I got a tub.

Peter, you seem off today.

Are you thinking about killing infants again?

No.

Now you got to kill them, too.

Mikey, you're safe!

Thank you so much for finding my boy.

Thank you for finding her boy.

I'm the stepfather.

Peter Griffin, in recognition of your heroism

in helping to rescue little Mikey Nicholson,

I'd like to present you with this key to the city.

Now, don't forget to water the plants every other day

and change the cat's litter.

I'll see you in two weeks.

No parties.

Thank you, Mayor West.

You know, some of you out there are calling me a hero.

Others are calling me a hoagie.

Those of you from Connecticut are calling me a grinder.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

I'm not just pieces of meat between pieces of bread.

I am a man who unintentionally saves kids.

Wow.

20 years on the force,

and no one's ever clapped for me.

Except for that one sarcastic gay guy.

Great observation.

I know you mean the opposite of what you're saying.

Fact is, when I saved that boy, I wasn't thinking.

I don't think. I just do.

I wanted to see if a billboard had real pudding in it,

so I climbed up there and came out a hero.

It's just like Gandhi always said,

eat as much as you want and do whatever,

and don't be afraid to hit each other.

Way to go, Dad.

Peter, that thing you said about not thinking

and just doing stuff, did you mean that?

Sure I did, Joe.

I never stop to think.

That's why I've had ringworm 11 times.

I will roll in anything.

You know what, you're right.

And it's time I do the same thing.

Hey, Chief. It's Swanson.

I quit.

Joe Swanson.

I don't know if Ray Swanson's quitting.

You'd have to ask him.

Okay, you just called me Ray again.

I just want to confirm that you understand that this is Joe.

No, not "see you tomorrow."

Joe, what are you doing? You can't quit your job.

Well, that's the other thing, Bonnie.

You and I are done, too.

What?!

I'm leaving you.

New Joe!

Wow. I can't remember the last time Joe shot his gun.

I know. That bullet's been rolling around

in his junk drawer for years.

Hey, Ma, guess where I am?

Yeah, can you hear it?

Flying through the air.

I don't know what he shot at.

I guess I'll just have to find out when I land.

No, don't put Terry on.

You-you can just tell him.

H-Hey. Hi, Terry.

Oh, God.

What? "What?"

You know what.

I think it looks good.

You are, you are just trying anything, aren't you?

Just searching for an identity, man.

And you think this is gonna be it, huh?

Oh, God, whatever.

Peter, I'm worried about Joe.

You know, not only did he quit his job,

he's moved out and gotten his own apartment.

Oh, I feel terrible for Bonnie and the kids.

Ah, they'll be fine. They'll bounce back.

Just like Humpty Dumpty did after his fall.

My God, it's a miracle!

You were able to put me back together again.

Yeah, it was actually a pretty simple procedure.

Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional

and skip the horses and illiterate servants.

Well, that is the last time I drink and masturbate

on top of a high wall.

Wait, wait, Quagmire, hold up.

I got a great knock.

Oh, I got to remember that.

Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

You okay?

Everything okay?

I'm talking like this because I'm being very careful

not to upset you, and for some reason

this is the voice people use to do that.

I'm great. Come on in.

Check out the new pad.

Whoa!

You got an air hockey table?

Yep. Wanted it, got it.

That's the new Joe.

And check this out.

It's the gun that no-leg sprinter used

to kill his girlfriend.

Oh, my God!

Eh, anyone who's kind of fast gets a free pass from me.

What kind of person would want to buy that?

I'll tell you who.