Family Guy

Peter, I need you to take Chris and Meg to school.

Today's the day I finally kill that squirrel

that's been eating our tomatoes.

Try to get, like, eight of them this time.

I want to make bruschetta.

Oh, can't the kids just walk?

You know I like to watch two full movies before I go to work.

No, Peter, they can't walk, it's three miles.

Fine, I'll take them.

But you better keep those goggles

'cause I'm gonna put them to good use tonight.

Once the floor is full of sawdust,

we can eat peanuts in here.

Dad, are you sure it's okay that we took Brian's car?

Yeah, it's his own fault.

He's the one who keeps his key in the visor

like a carefree hillbilly.

Okay, everybody out.

I don't want the cool kids to know I'm your dad.

Hey, Chris.

Guess who I just scored as my date to the homecoming dance.

- Vice Principal McGuire. - Really?

Yeah, her husband just died of ALS,

so she is ready to get at it.

Hey there, strong guy.

Not now, Brenda!

She says I have the body of a 50-year-old before it gets ALS.

So who are you gonna go with?

I was thinking of asking Kara Morris.

Why don't you ask her now?

Her locker's right over there.

Um... y... uh, yeah, okay.

Hi, Kara.

I was wondering, um, if you'd like to go

to the homecoming dance with me?

Oh, hi, robot from Big Hero 6.

No, but thank you.

His name is Baymax, you gorgeous moron!

All right, red light.

Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.

- Thanks for getting here so quickly. - What?

I'm sorry. You're in a Prius.

I just assumed you were my Uber.

I don't know what that is on account of being dull.

Uber... it's like a cab except it feels like a game

'cause it's from your phone.

Anyway, I'm late for a meeting.

Can I just give you 20 bucks to drop me off?

Wow, 20 bucks just to drive you across town?

Maybe I should be an Uber driver.

I mean, I could use the extra money.

And it's got to be easier than when I was delivering pizzas.

All right, push. Push.

Come on, come on, almost there.

Almost there, just one more push.

Here it is!

Oh, it's half Hawaiian.

I believe that's ours.

You poor fool.

Hey, Stewie.

What's up, big guy?

None of the girls at school want to go to homecoming with me.

Probably 'cause everyone calls me names like "Big Nips"

and "Fat Nips" and "Big Fat Nips."

Oh, don't listen to them, Big Fat Nips.

They're just being haters.

What's a "hater"?

Oh, it's just something people say

instead of working to change their own flaws.

Anyway, you just got to do what Taylor Swift does

and shake it off.

Who's Taylor Swift?

Oh, my God!

Am I about to introduce you to Taylor Swift?

W-What is she, a singer?

She's much more than a singer, Chris.

She's... she's... she's the queen!

A goddess!

A gazelle in a high-waisted swimsuit!

Uh, sorry, if you're neither insane,

nor clowns, nor a posse, I'm not interested.

I have an idea.

You should ask Taylor Swift to the homecoming dance!

What? Why would she go to a dance with me?

I'm telling you, this is exactly the kind of thing she would do.

She's such a sweetheart.

Oh, I'm going limp.

I'm just gonna lie here moaning,

thinking about Taylor Swift.

Tay-Tay.

How would I even ask her?

Oh, it's easy. You and I will just make a video

about how sad you are and put it online.

She's very interactive with all her fans.

I guess it's worth a shot.

Of course it is.

If she says yes, you'll surprise everyone,

just like you did on New Year's Eve.

Three, two, one!

Some animals give me boners!

Hi. Uh, I'd like to be an Uber driver.

Okay, sure. Welcome aboard.

Don't I... don't I need to fill out a form or...?

Oh, right, yeah, of course.

"Name."

Peter Griffin.

"Criminal history."

This section is optional. I will skip this.

And done.

Here you go. Yeah, none of this really matters.

All I need to know is: do you have a car,

a phone and a face?

It's my dog's car.

Oh, and I know you didn't ask,

- but I am quick to anger. - Okay, great.

Now get out there and try to kiss as many ladies as you can.

The record is 60 in a month.

You, sir, are officially an Uber driver.

This is some good stuff, Chris.

I think it's ready to post.

Actually, Stewie, I changed my mind.

I made my own video and posted it.

What? How could you do that?

Stewie, I didn't want to do all that fancy stuff,

so I just did a video of me speaking from the heart.

You know, telling her how much it would mean

if a girl like her went to homecoming with a guy like me.

I couldn't even stay awake during that description.

Hey, she already posted a response.

What?!

Hey, Chris Griffin.

I just saw your video,

and I'd love to go to your dance with you.

All right, I got to go eat an ice cream cone.

'Cause us stars are just like you.

Oh, my God!

Uh-oh. This means I have an awkward phone call to make.

What? No, no, it was stupid.

What, two guys going to homecoming?

I-I assumed it was a goof this whole time.

Take it out.

I'm ugly and unlovable.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight,

pop star Taylor Swift is coming to Quahog

to attend a dance with local high-schooler Chris Griffin.

But first we go to commercial while our sports reporter smiles

and spins a football for some reason.

Wow, Chris, I'm so excited!

You actually have a date with Taylor Swift!

Thanks, Mom. Did I do good?

Can I wear Grandpa's jacket now?

I-I don't know why you always ask for that.

Th-That's not a thing in our family.

Oh, Rupert, I can't believe Taylor Swift

is actually going to be in our house.

I haven't been this excited

since I abused those caffeine pills

to get ready for the big show.

Everything will be fine, as long as I take one of these.

Pills? You actually are taking drugs?

Stewie, give me those.

I can't, Zach! I need them to sing!

I'm... so... scared!

Screech is going to stab someone on Christmas.

Oh, Chris, you look so handsome in your tux.

This must be how Meat Loaf looked when he went to the prom.

Oh, that must be her!

Hi. You must be Chris. I'm Taylor.

What's up?!

It's so nice to finally meet you.

Your video was so sweet.

And I can't wait to go to the dance tonight.

Me, too.

Would you like to come in?

Hi. Peter Griffin, leering dad.

Quick question: in "Shake It Off,"

you invite us to get down to, quote, "this sick beat."

Yet the beat you then provide is rather mild.

My question is this: may I lick your legs?

Hi, Taylor. Stewie Griffin. I'm your biggest fan.

I don't mean that like a psycho, I just...

I-I'm not, I'm not a psycho!

Oh, you're a cutie.

Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles.

Now, you don't have to say anything.

I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure,

and you indicate when I should stop.

Okay, here I go.

Still going.

Still going.

Oh, my God, you bitch! Seriously?

Taylor, this is my sister Meg and our dog Brian.

Nice to meet you both.

We're not all so impressed.

I've met Dan Aykroyd.

I'm sorry, uh, which cast member of Hee Haw are you?

Will... you... be... nice!

Okay, well, we should probably go.

It was so nice to meet you all, except for the girl and the dog.