The Good Place

- Number five is number one. Number seven is number two.

Number three and number four are tied for number three.

What are you talking about?

- I'm ranking my favorite "fast and the furious" movies.

You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is

the best way to get to know me.

No, it isn't.

You could tell me your real name, for starters.

My name is Jason mendoza.

I'm from Florida.

And I'm a professional amateur dj.

- And is, uh, that a family member?

- I wish. That's Ariana grande,

the sexiest woman alive.

You wish that you were related

to a woman you want to have sex with.

You know what? It'd be one thing

if you just weren't a Buddhist monk,

but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.

How did you get here?

- I don't know, but, please, dawg,

- You have some nerve asking me for favors

when you have spent weeks deceiving me, making a fool

out of me, and bringing snack food into my house.

Disgusting.

- Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.

- Shawn, the judge, could show up at any moment,

so we need to have a rock-solid argument for why

fake Eleanor should not be sent to the bad place.

- Should be fun. - That's the spirit!

Don't even think about the fact that

our slightest misstep could cause fake Eleanor

to suffer for eternity.

- Yep, shouldn't have said that. Regretted it immediately.

Bambadjan was a human rights advocate,

so he and real Eleanor will build a sort of legal argument.

- Um, ahem, could you please just say "Eleanor,"

and maybe point to whichever one of us you're addressing?

- Well, actually, the fake/real distinction helps me.

Oh, does it, bambadjan?

- Now, I know a fair amount about your time on earth.

Why don't you tell me about your time here?

Anything that might help your case.

- Well, in the first 24 hours, I caused the world

to erupt into chaos, and then I caused

a garbage storm. It was kind of a rough start,

but things calmed down after chidi started helping me

learn about ethics.

Okay, tell me about that.

- Well, I studied with chidi every day,

and then chidi got sick of me,

so I did some nice stuff to make him feel better.

And later, I confessed because chidi was being

tortured by guilt, and I just felt awful

seeing his little, nerdy face all contorted.

Oh, Eleanor, I have

a stomachache because of what you did.

He is such a dork.

- You know, a lot of death row inmates feel regret about things

they never said... admissions of guilt or anger... Or love.

Are you making a move on me?

It's fine... i just didn't see it coming.

Uh, well, hooking up with someone

with the exact same name, it is kind of a fun,

narcissistic fantasy...

- I could be into it. - Mm, no, I'm talking about

you and chidi. Now, ordinarily,

you having feelings for my soul mate would be

a conflict of interest... - whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I'm into chidi?

Yes, Eleanor, I do.

Because you are.

- You mentioned his name nine times

in the last ten minutes.

Nobody asked you, bambadjan.

- I'm not sure what will work with Shawn,

but we should have all our bases covered.

Shall we start with the greeks

or would you prefer

the modern British masters?

Chidi?

- I'm sorry, choices are hard for me

- I know that, buddy, but we're short of time here,

and it's kind of important for Eleanor.

- Right, which is why I can't take this lightly.

- Listen, I don't need the chidi who once had a panic attack

during rock-paper-scissors because there were, and I quote,

"just too many variables."

I need the chidi

who stormed in here and told me

to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.

- Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.

- Retroactively? I mean, h... how do you even...?

- Okay, we have so many big choices to make.

Let's... let's start small.

Do you want to use a dry erase board

or the regular pen and paper?

Just pick.

Chidi, just pick!

Come on, chidi, pick someone.

- Don't pressure me, uzo. I have to consider

all the factors. Athletic strategies,

the fragile egos of my classmates,

and gender politics.

Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards

women's equality, or... or is that pandering?

Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male

point of view? I'm vexed, uzo, vexed.

- You're always vexed. Just pick.

- Okay, fine, uh, I choose tokunbo.

- You can't draft the teacher. Pick a kid.

All: Come on, chidi. Just pick someone.

Congratulations, chidi.

You filibustered recess.

No, no, no, you're wrong.

There are way more things I hate about chidi

than like about him.

Like what?

His stupid Clark Kent glasses,

his extensive turtleneck collection,

oh, and he loves ethics so much.

He once talked about John rawls for two hours... i timed it.

And he only stopped because he saw me timing him.

Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself,

it was a nice moment, but still.

He always twitches his eyebrows

when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head

whenever I say anything ignorant,

but he never makes fun of me, which is nice.

He's also incredibly patient, and kind,

and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork,

I'm in love with chidi.

let's take a little break.

I know this is awkward,

but as your advocate,

and, I hope, friend,

I think you should tell chidi how you feel.

- would a hug make you feel better?

- No, I don't think that it would...

- oh, too late, you're getting one.

- Thanks, bambadjan, that does make me feel better.

Mm-hmm.

yet another lie.

You didn't paint this.

You got Janet to do it.

I got you an awesome painting, but then he switched it

to this one because he said you'd like it more,

and he made me memorize stuff to say to you

so you wouldn't be so sad.

This is all his fault.

Chidi helped you make me happy.

It's almost as if he was trying to...

Oh, oh, my.

Of course.

- This is the cool painting I made.

This guy's famous.

I mean, who even are those ladies?

- yeah, it would be easier to sort out the issue

of dry erase versus paper if I could write down

the pros and cons for each, but, of course,

I would have to use one of them to write down the pros and cons

for them, which is problematic.

Ethics team, how's it going?

- Terribly. - Cool.

Well, you guys are kind of my last hope, so that's not great.

Hey, do you mind if I borrow

professor stomachache here for a second?

- Please, take him for an hour, take all the time you want.

okay, sit down, maybe.

- I dated many annoying guys, okay?

They would call me all times of the day

"just to talk" or ask me if I'd taken cash

out of their wallets, stupid stuff.

And when I stopped having fun with them,

I'd leave. Usually wouldn't even call

or anything. I'd just bounce.

- Gotta go spend that money you stole.

- Point is, you are way more of a buzzkill

than any of those dudes.

- Okay, thanks for this conversation.

But, somehow,

I never want to leave you.

I want to stay in the good place because of you.

Because I love you.

I think.

No, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I love you.

Ugh, that's embarrassing.

I feel so itchy. Sorry.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Catch you later, silly Billy.

Ugh, love has made me a nerd.

Bye.

jianyu's a fake.

He's not supposed to be here. Just like your "soul mate."

More importantly, you did the ballerina painting

'cause you were trying to protect my feelings,

because you love me.

Oh, chidi, don't you see? This is the real mistake

You and I are soul mates. It makes so much sense.