Chuck

Congratulations.

You've been selected for an elite operations unit.

With your permission, we'd like to conduct a test

to determine your suitability for service.

Sure. You mind me asking what you're testing me for?

Just relax.

We have a short training video that will explain everything.

Wait.

Are you okay, Chuck?

Oh, um... no, no.

Not since Emmett started playing romantic comedies 24/7.

He must love Must Love Dogs,

'cause that's always playing.

Right.

Well, I was just wondering about tonight.

Oh, is there a mission tonight?

Actually, I was referring

to the whole Valentine's Day thing.

Oh, my gosh, right.

I'm so sorry... did you want to do something?

No, no, I was just curious.

Unless you wanted to do something?

Doesn't it seem like we ought to do something?

I mean, it's up to you. Yeah, sure.

Okay, I mean, we have been cover dating

for over a year now, right?

Yeah, I mean, it would be weird if we didn't do something.

Completely weird.

Maybe we could give our covers the night off.

I have a bunch of paperwork to catch up on anyway.

Good. Great.

Hey, hey, hey, happy Valentine's Day, you two.

Any hot plans for today?

Absolutely, there is.

My house at 8:00, right?

I can hardly wait.

I'll see you then, sweetie.

Oh, okay.

Bye.

Did you ever think that the two of us

would wind up with smart, beautiful,

sexually adventuresome girls on Valentine's Day?

The answer is no.

Two jackasses like you

landing two hot pieces like Anna and Blondie?

It's a cruel trick of nature.

Grimes! Get your butt to the sales floor

before I kick it over there.

Bartowski,

herd up your nerds.

They're right... they're right there.

And you two dimwits,

don't leave the cage until that backlog

of repairs are finished.

And where is Milbarge?

Hello.

I'm sorry I'm late... I was just waiting for these to cool.

What the hell is that?

Oh, well, I put little lips on the cupcakes for you.

I'm talking about that thing on your head.

Well, Henrietta's in town.

I wanted to look my best.

I mean, it's not that much of a difference.

Really?

I'll be in my office.

Next time, do your baking on your own time.

My God, who crapped in his box of chocolates?

I don't care what it costs!

Get it here tomorrow!

What's he doing in there?

I don't know, but it's completely unnatural.

Oh, my God.

You don't think that he's...

Working? Calm down, Morgan.

Yeah, there's got to be

a rational explanation for this.

Oh, no, look at him.

The guy's a machine.

I think Morgan's on to something.

What if it's not really Big Mike?

What?

Like, a robot sent from the future?

A cybernetic organism.

A skin job.

There's only one way to find out.

If he bleeds, he's human.

Guys.

How about I just talk to him?

Please.

Okay, fine.

It's your funeral, Bartowski.

Let me ask a question, Bartowski.

What kind of woman

delivers divorce papers on Valentine's Day?

Your... your wife?

The lady Big Mike is no more.

I'm-I'm so sorry to hear that, sir.

Damn straight.

I had the catch of a lifetime and let her get away.

You want to talk about it?

I'll be fine.

Long as I keep working, I won't have time

to realize I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

alone and unloved.

There is one thing you can do for me.

Sure.

Tell those imbeciles out there to get cracking!

'Cause from now on,

it's a whole new Buy More!

Get that damn Must Love Dogs off the TV.

Can I ask you a question? Sure.

This is the worst Valentine's Day ever, right?

Come on, don't be silly.

Please, you're not going to offend me.

There's got to be someone somewhere

having a far worse Valentine's Day.

On the night of August 12, 1965,

the 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marines

endeavored to make a daring helicopter assault

on the Elephant Valley.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

What can I do for you, General?

LAPD just picked up one of ours.

The agent's name is Jim Yeager.

He's been missing for over a year,

although he was presumed to be on a covert domestic assignment.

Unfortunately, we have no record of this assignment,

and so far, the subject has been...

uncooperative.

Cat's got his tongue, huh?

You want me to take a crack at him?

As you can see, his mental state is fragile enough already.

The subject's last confirmed location comes from a phone call

traced to this LA cul-de-sac.

Yeager was living in the Valley?

Huh... no wonder he went nuts, right?

We took the liberty of purchasing a home there

to serve as a base of operations.

Zoom in on that, please.

What's that he keeps saying?

Salamander.

Possible code name for his enemy contact.

Our best guess: he chose this location

for its proximity to a sleeper cell.

I need for someone to resume Yeager's assignment,

identify his contact

and infiltrate their terrorist network.

I don't know how well I'd fit in with those people, General.

Not you, Major Casey.

We need a normal couple.

That Casey?

Looks like we got a mission.

Thank God.

I'm afraid you two are gonna have to drop your dating cover

for this particular assignment.

No problem. What is it?

Thai street racing gang, a Ukrainian prostitution ring?

No, for this mission,

you and Agent Walker are gonna be married.

You two kids are going to the suburbs.

Good luck as a normal couple.

No.

Maybe.

Breaking out a dad shirt, huh?

Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, I think it makes you look very grown-up.

Oh, good, that's kind of the idea.

Yeah, where are you guys going?

Uh, Sarah and I are just house-sitting.

Her boss at the Orange Orange is out of town, so...

Oh, Chuck, that's... that's great.

Spending a week in the suburbs?

Yeah, dream come true.

No, don't you get it?

This is... this is like a dry run, you know,

so you and Sarah can see what it would really be like.

Zip it!

That is your wedding craziness

right there, so keep that... that's yours.

We're just house-sitting... it's no big deal.

Okay, fine, can we call it cohabitating

with your long-term girlfriend in a house

that doesn't have posters that were hung in the eighth grade?

That-That...

is a collectible, but yeah, fine.

We can... we can call it that.

Then, that is a big step forward.

Love what you've done with the place.

Thanks... I had help.

Uh, sorry, but whose life have I stepped into?

What-What...

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm making potato salad.

Are you cooking for the entire neighborhood?

No, Chuck.

You are.

Hey, there's the grill-meister!

Welcome, neighbors.