M*A*S*H

Fire ceremonial salute.

But, sir, the angle‐‐

Fire the salute, Private!

Yes, sir.

You! Ooh!

What the‐‐ What did he do?

Corporal, a little decorum, please!

You‐you‐‐ I'm all right. Let me down. I'm all right.

I'm okay.

Ooh!

Company...

order arms!

The company's arms are ordered, sir.

We're at order arms.

Excuse me.

Now then, during Colonel Blake's absence,

I will act in his capacity.

So if there are any problems,

you may bring them to me

or to our fine adjutant here, Major Houlihan.

Talking to the major is the same as talking to me

since we are intimate with each other at all times.

Company...

inspection arms!

Uh‐huh.

‐You shave today, soldier? ‐Yes, sir.

Well, tomorrow try it with a blade in the razor.

I want this man on report, Corporal.

Uh, what's the charge, sir?

Heavy beard in combat zone.

‐Are you all right, sir? ‐(whimper)

Fingernail polish?

Flame d'Amour, sir.

And earrings?

They match the ring, sir.

I'm a symphony in coordination.

High heels?

You're a disgrace to American man and womanhood.

So stop bucking for a discharge while I'm in command,

Corporal Nutsy Fagin!

You're not getting out of this man's army.

At least give me a pass, sir.

I'd like to spend a little time with people.

Request denied.

Please, sir.

I'd like to be in Seoul for Mother's Day.

‐No! ‐Father's Day?

I'll wear something tailored.

I said no!

Corporal, make a note.

I want this‐‐ this creature's dresses,

his entire wardrobe, and all that stuff burned!

Burned? Sir, a man has a right to his own trousseau!

Shut up!

Now, that concludes

our fine little retreat ceremony and inspection.

I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed inspecting you.

I'm, uh, going off duty now,

and your officer of the day will be, uh...

Corporal, do you have‐‐

I have the roster notes right here, sir.

The officer of the day

will be Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

Captain Pierce? Good.

Captain Pierce, step forward.

Captain... Pierce.

Hi, Frank.

That doesn't scare me one bit.

Is he sleeping again?

No, Frank.

He heard so much about rigor mortis,

he thought he would try it.

Wake up, Pierce!

Come on! Get up!

Hey, Frank, lay off. He was 14 hours in O. R.

Tough tilly. Up, up, up!

Get lost, Frank. Go rinse out the flag.

Trap, you're a witness. He's violating the dead.

Pull yourself together, Mister.

Breakfast?

My kidneys were expecting orange juice.

Silly kidneys.

Smooth.

This morning was a very good year.

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with my mother.

There was this giant, bleached‐out Frank Burns

lying on the sand...

its white belly shining in the sun.

Pierce.

I said, "Mommy, can I touch it?"

And she said, "Be careful, son.

The dullness rubs off."

Very amusing.

Pierce, you're officer of the day.

I pass‐‐ Give it to somebody else.

You're it, and that's an order.

Here's your arm band and log book.

Here's your belt, holster, and sidearm.

There's also a sash and sword that goes with it.

That's in case we're attacked by the Saracens.

Or you have to do a tall appendectomy.

I will not carry a gun, Frank.

When I got into this war,

I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon.

No guns.

Hmm!

I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch,

I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on,

carry over, carry forward,

Cary Grant, cash and carry,

carry me back to old Virginny‐‐

I'll even hari‐kari, if you show me how,

but I will not carry a gun!

All right, Captain 'Fraidy Cat.

You have your orders, Mister.

Bye, Frank.

That was totally uncalled for.

Emptiest holster in the West.

I do believe it's a new sheriff in town.

That's right, stranger.

And I'm gonna make everybody in this town

do just what I want 'em to do.

I think I'll start with the girls.

As of 16:00 hours, sir, all secure.

Very good, Radar.

Your report is concise, informative,

and makes no sense whatsoever.

Thank you, sir.

Any orders, sir?

Yes, take an order.

All the troops can go home.

I'm declaring peace and a general amnesty.

Aw, come on, Hawk.

You're free, too.

I'll give you ten bucks and a new suit later.

Well, I'm gonna need your signature on this.

I'm not signing anything.

You're not putting the war in my name.

For all I know, Henry didn't keep up the payments.

What's this job like?

I'm a new man here.

I been working down in sales.

Well, you just have to be on duty in case stuff happens‐‐

inspect the place, do a bed check.

You probably wanna handle that personally.

You can inspect the nurses' showers.

I didn't give you a birthday present.

Yes, sir. (giggling)

Privates Carter and Willis reporting, sir.

Guard needs to be changed, sir.

Okay, change 'em and get 'em out of here.

Uh, sir, they need to know the password.

I would certainly think so.

What was it yesterday?

Betty Boop.

I like it.

An unpretentious little password,

but it's got sex.

‐Betty Boop. ‐Why get off a winner?

Orders for the guards, sir?

Be brave, be loyal, be true.

And keep your white flags handy, just in case.

Dismissed!

Good night, guards. Sleep well.

Sir.

Sir?

Sir.

Go away, Radar.

You're not 'upposed to go to sleep.

I'm not sleeping.

I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.

Business, sir. Local indigenous personnel

requesting medical attention.

This is his I. D. card.

"Kim Luck.

"Age 42, 5'6", occupation: farmer."

Hello.

Looks like an axe wound.

Might need a stitch or two.

Take Mr. Luck to the hospital, and ask the duty nurse

to fix him up. Tetanus shot.

This way, please.

Harry Truman, number one G.I. Joe.

I'll tell him you stopped by.

Sounds like somebody's pulled up to our gas pumps.

Where the hell is everybody?

‐Hit it again, Sergeant. ‐(honking)

Knock it off, will ya? You'll wake up the war.

Well, look who's here‐‐

Colonel Flagg, our friendly,

undercover, overanxious intelligence man.

Do I know you? And don't try to deny it.

Of course you know me.

Olivia de Havilland.

‐Perkins. Captain Perkins. ‐Pierce.

That's what I said‐‐ Captain Pierce.

Right, Perkins.

Four, maybe five months ago,

here on an investigation, right?

Right, we still have one of your hidden mikes in our latrine.