The Jim Gaffigan Show

What are you doing here?

Hello?

What are you doing here?

Me? W-what am I doing here?

Yes. Why are you at a church rectory?

I'm Catholic.

Barely.

My wife made me come.

Jeannie.

Yes. I have a personal relationship with her.

Believe me, I've heard all about it.

Well, you know... you know, w-we...

you and I, we could hang out sometime.

If you wanted.

Great. How about Sunday morning?

Er, morning? Well, I...

I-I'm more of an afternoon guy, so...

Afternoon then.

Well, how... how early in the afternoon?

'Cause I, um... you know, like, I'll get up,

I'll make pancakes... I'll make eggs, and the kids won't even eat 'em.

But... And then I'm full, so I'll take a nap, and...

You realize I died for your sins, right?

I mean...

Don't blame me. Blame your dad. Right?

Pathetic.

But I still love you.

Jim.

So glad you could come.

- Please, come inside. - Uh...

Please. Sit.

- Nice office. - Oh, thank you. Thank you.

She should be here any minute.

So, uh...

Is this the room where you write your, uh, church speeches?

Yeah.

You watch "Game of Thrones"?

Uh, "Game of Thrones"?

It's on HBO.

Oh, no, no. I do not have cable.

Eh, it's... it's just...

it's this show about dragons,

and white walkers that are dead,

and a bunch of naked people.

I see.

I mean, I-I don't watch it for the naked people. You know what I mean?

It's... When a naked person comes on, I just go and get a snack.

Not... not... not that naked people make me hungry.

Oh. Of course.

Season one had more, uh, naked people, you know.

All those premium cable shows think that we want the nudity.

No, I... I mean, sure, I'll see an actress,

and I'll be curious what she looks like naked, but not in, like, a sinful way.

Just more kind of, like,

a scientific, artistic thing.

Like, I've never done sculptures,

but I've kind of considered

what the... you know, the human form is beautif... thank God.

Thank you so much for meeting with us, Father Nicholas.

Of course. Anything for Jeannie and Jim.

- My favorite couple. - Oh.

Well, I'm... I'm sure Jim explained

why we needed to see you right away.

Uh... mm.

You... you didn't tell him why we're here?

Well, I thought... I thought... I thought you would wanna tell him.

I think that you should tell him.

No, you can... you can... go ahead.

- You can... - Jim?

All right. Uh, the...

The reason we wanted to talk to you

is, um...

I have no idea. What... why are we here?

Our marriage is in trouble.

- It is? - Oh, my.

- Father Nicholas? - Yes.

Father Chen has locked himself in the sacristy.

Again?

I am so sorry.

Please, do not go away. I'll... I'll be right back.

And we will get to the bottom of this.

Okay.

- "Our marriage is in trouble"? - Kind of.

- What? - Yeah. Jim, we have issues.

We need help.

Why would be bring up our private,

personal business in front of Father Nicholas?

- He's our priest, Jim. - Exactly.

W-what, we're supposed to take relationship advice

from a guy who's not married and doesn't have kids?

Why don't we just ask Dave?

Father Nicholas is in a relationship, Jim.

With God.

Okay.

You know what happened to God's kid, right?

Well, he came back, but...

All right.

Where were we?

Uh, I believe

we were... Jeannie was overreacting?

As usual?

Father Nicholas, we're fighting. A lot.

We can't agree on anything. We're fighting in front of the children.

Well, to be fair, they fight in front of us too.

Anyway, the... the main reason we're here is...

well, it's him.

Me? Why?

I mean, I... I know it's me, but what specifically?

You're totally dismissive of my feelings.

You're just tired.

- She gets... - See? No.

That's how he handles everything.

- What? You don't get tired? - Tells me I'm tired!

Okay. Uh, was there a specific incident that brought you here today?

- Not really. - Yes. Jim.

We had a huge fight yesterday.

I asked Jim if he would help me fold the laundry...

Ah, ha, ha, ha!

But he was more interested in watching TV and eating.

He wouldn't help me do anything.

Get the door!

I know I'm not perfect, but Jim is out of control with the constant eating.

Oh, no. We didn't order this. This must be for someone else.

No!

I want that food!

Far be it from me to be judgmental,

but I don't think he's living a healthy lifestyle.

Plus, sometimes, he yells at our kids.

Daddy, can we have some food please?

No! It's mine! All mine!

But the real issue is that we're just running out of space in our apartment.

Jim, can I please throw out some of these pizza boxes?

That's my collection!

That stuff's still good. Look, it is still good.

Go to the closet and get me a bag of Tostitos.

Why are you keeping Tostitos in the closet?

Why are you keeping... Just get it!

Okay... Jeez!

- Be careful! My God! - Okay.

- You're so clumsy! - Oh.

Jim, I think it might be time for us to get a storage unit.

A storage unit?

That's the most cockamamie idea I've ever heard.

Jim, look around you. This place looks like a Costco.

What's wrong with Costco?

We'd have plenty of room in here if you just listened

to my idea about changing the kids' room

into a second kitchen. It would be beautiful.

Armando, can you make me some pasta? I like the ravioli

- and the tortellini mixed together. - No, no, no! Armando,

stop making pasta for Jim! That's enough. Put the spoon down!

You do not boss around Armando!

Jim, this is disgusting. You look like Jabba the Hutt.

I think that guy's so cool.

That's not what happened at all.

Although, the pasta station...

I mean, we've all thought about that, right?

Look, I can save us a lot of time.

The real reason we're here,

illustrated by Jeannie's story,

is... Jeannie's a little crazy.

I love you, but you're a little bit...

- Jim, you can't... No! - She should be in a loony bin.

She's not crazy.

Jim, I saw... you just winked at him.

- There was a fly that went in my eye. - There wasn't!

I can... look. Here's what really happened.

I was helping Jeannie fold the laundry...

Jim, get your eyes off the TV and get back to your chores.

I wasn't...!

Can I please have a morsel of food?

Maybe... maybe after you change every single child's diaper.

But nothing I do is ever good enough for her.

James! There is a knock at the door.

- Go and get the door! Go! - I'm sorry!

Come on! Quicker! Quicker! Quicker! Quicker!

And there are kids, like, everywhere.

Did you leave the peanut butter out again?

- Oh. We're keeping them. - But...

Go on, introduce them to the rest of your children.

B-b-b-wha... W-we're running out of space!

Hi. I'll call you Bill.

So basically, there's no room for me in my own apartment.

But...

This is my side of the bed!

No, this is a family bed, Jim.

A family bed?

You know, we should probably have another kid soon.

We haven't had a baby in about six weeks.

What? A-are you serious? That's... that's insane!

I can't even move in here! I need space!

Oh, okay. You need more space?

Maybe you should throw out that box of junk over there.

But... what is...

My coffee cup?

This is my laptop.

Do you really need that stuff?

Wait, these are my keys to the apartment.

Fine, if you insist, I guess we should talk about renting a storage unit.

That's insane... we're already paying rent for a Manhattan apartment.