M*A*S*H

Well, he's operating right now, sir.

Yes, sir?

Yes, sir!

Uh, yes, sir, if you say so, sir.

Yes, sir!

I'll do that right now!

Sir.

Uh, yeah, clamp.

This guy has the right idea.

Write a book on traumatic surgery,

and then when a war breaks out,

the book gets drafted and he stays home.

‐Sponge. ‐Hello, Frank.

How are ya?

Pretty big talk.

‐Pierce, using a textbook? ‐Mmm‐hmm, orthopedic case.

Wow‐‐ Dummkopf!

All right, let's put him under, shall we?

Watch this. Need some help, Pierce?

No, thanks, I'd rather save the patient.

That got him.

Unless they taught you something special

at Vivisection State Teachers' College.

‐(laughter) ‐Which I doubt.

Here we go!

You better quit while you're behind, Frank.

I've been a practicing surgeon for 12 years!

When do you think you'll be ready to operate?

Just an estimate, Frank.

Frank, I begged you to quit.

Give me a four‐by‐four.

‐And another thing! ‐Frank, they'll kill you.

‐Colonel? ‐Yo.

There's a very important phone call on the phone

‐for you, sir. ‐Have the call switched.

I'll take it inside this gallbladder.

‐Metzenbaum scissors. ‐Sir?

Sir‐‐

‐Radar, you must be kidding! ‐Cross my heart.

Uh, moist lap sponges.

Spalding, finish up for me, please.

‐What's up, Henry? ‐I'll tell you later.

You were finally toilet trained, right?

Yes, sir.

Yes, indeed, sir.

‐Yes, sir. ‐Yes, sir.

What's that, sir?

Uh, the 19th, Colonel?

The 19th. Uh, well, now, let me see.

The, uh, the 19th would, uh‐‐ that would be

between the, uh, 18th and the 20th,

if I'm any judge of 19ths.

Yes, sir.

Uh, yes, sir. Uh, we'll be ready.

Oh, uh, and, Colonel, uh, let me just add

that this is an honor that thrills me

right down to my toenails.

Well, yes, sir.

Thank you, sir. Yes, sir.

Good day, sir.

He's coming here.

Him, here.

‐General Douglas MacArth‐‐ ‐(gasping)

The head man, the chief cheese,

is coming here.

Him? Here?

Here, himself.

The big muckety‐muck.

The biggest, highest monkiest of them all.

‐Wow! ‐They don't come any monkier.

And do you know why he's coming here?

Because we've got the most impressive damn record

of any medical unit in Korea.

That's North, South, East, or West.

‐We're the MASH that is the best! ‐Rah! Rah!

Colonel Whiteman, uh, his administrative aide?

Well, he'll be here on Wednesday to brief us.

‐Oh, wow! ‐Radar,

this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me

since I did my first strangulated hernia.

Yeah.

Radar, the publicity! The publicity!

I mean, every move Big Mac makes is news!

When he goes to the latrine,

they flash an AP/UP bulletin.

Really?

In the "Daily Bloomington Pantagraph."

Oh, boy, I can just see it.

"Supreme Commander Inspects Local Doctor,"

in type about yea big.

You'll be famous, sir.

Yeah, yeah, and let me tell you something, little friend.

My price for a tonsillectomy just went from 50

‐to 75 bucks a tons. ‐Right!

Yes, sir.

They'll have to pay if they want the big man.

Colonel Blake's office?

Straight ahead, sir. Can't miss it.

Thank you, uh, soldier.

Corporal Klinger, sir.

Sentry post number one.

Carry on.

Must be therapy for the mental cases.

And, uh, Colonel Whiteman, here,

of General MacArthur's general staff

has very kindly condescended to brief us all briefly

on the General's impinging visit.

‐Colonel. ‐Thank you, Colonel.

I'm sure you must all be excited at the idea

of meeting our supreme commander.

I'm thrilled beyond repair.

My bellybutton's been puckering and un‐puckering all day.

A little charged up.

You know, heap big chief coming.

All right, let me clue you in,

uh, schedule and briefing‐wise.

‐I'll roger that. ‐McIntyre.

Now, the general will arrive at exactly 1155 hours

and will enter the camp at this point.

I assume you will not, repeat,

not have the same man on sentry duty.

Klinger.

Klinger? Oh, no, sir.

Uh, make a note‐‐ no Klinger.

He just had his ears pierced.

The general's cavalcade will circle the compound,

inspecting troops and then will stop here

at point "B" at precisely 1158 hours.

The general will dismount at 1159 hours

after a one‐minute security inspection

of the area by escort.

From 1200 to 1204 hours,

the general will be welcomed by commanding officer.

Maybe you can break the four‐minute welcome, Henry.

You'd better go into training.

1200, 400 hours.

Colonel Whiteman, I just want to say

that this disrespectful attitude is in no way

shared by myself or Major Burns on my right.

On your right what?

Included in the above said time allotment

for commanding officer's greeting

is the introduction of inferior grade officers.

That's gotta be us.

Yes?

I think the Colonel might like to know

that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.

Her father was a horse! Did you know that?

Our engagement is off.

While the general is here, do not address him

unless he first addresses you,

and then always use his full name and rank

in reply, as, uh, "Yes, General MacArthur.

"No, General MacArthur.

"Thank you, General MacArthur."

‐God Almighty. ‐Close. Very close.

Steady, men.

And now, lunch.

The eating thereof will be at 1300 hours.

The general eats the same food

as that served to men in the field.

Does he like his ice cream on top of his beef stew like us?

Mess will terminate at 1410 hours,

when the, uh, general's pipe is lit.

Must be a squad that takes care of that.

We'll have the men on hand, McIntyre.

‐Make a note, Radar. ‐Volunteers to light pipe.

Now, then, after lunch‐‐

And the barfing thereof.

To proceed.

The general's visit is a tribute

to your unit's efficiency.

A demonstration of your function would be most apropos.

‐We could do an operation for him. ‐Pierce.

‐Don't be a simp! ‐We operate every day.

Perhaps the general would like to observe

our surgeons at work.

Yeah, with a stitch‐ by‐stitch commentary.

And for a big finish, a post‐op infection.

Has possibilities, Colonel.

Well, that's just what I was thinking.

I mean, it'd be a real eye‐popper.

‐Colonel? ‐WHITEMAN: Yes?

Um, as adjutant and assistant chief surgeon,

I'd like to volunteer for that operation.

How splendid, Major.

Very good, Frank.

‐Lovely. ‐Then it's agreed.

We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.

Because we have the best record

of any medical unit in Korea,

we have been bestowed upon by a great honor‐‐

‐MacArthur's coming! ‐(cheering)

Yay.

All right, quiet.

Quiet down, folks.

Quiet!

Does this mean Radar has to take a bath?

I hope so.

We'll carry him down to the river and beat him on a rock.