Desperate Housewives

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

There was flirtation.

Here's my card. If you see anything suspicious,

I want you to call me...

- or even if you don't. - There was confrontation.

After all those years that I supported you,

took a backseat to your career, you couldn't do the same for me.

- Oh! Aah! - There was a fight.

Leave me alone!

And... there were consequences.

Susan Delfino was charitable to a fault.

She just couldn't resist lending a hand.

There wasn't a lost pet she could ignore...

A girl in uniform she could refuse...

Or a struggling artist she could say no to.

So when it came to a neighbor in need...

Oh, my god. Paul, what happened?

Susan was only too eager to help.

I started having chest pains,

Passed out, came to, dialed 9-1-1.

They've been running tests all night.

Well, I'm gonna be here for you till they figure it out.

I brought you these-- magazines, water.

You're unbelievable.

I've got a street full of neighbors,

And the only one who comes to see me is the woman I yelled at.

- Sorry about that. - It was my fault.

I shouldn't have asked you about getting my house back.

I sounded like a vulture.

Mr... Young, we've got your test results.

Could you excuse us for a moment, Susan?

Oh, yeah. I'll wait outside.

Well, good news. Your E.K.G. came back normal.

- So it's not a heart attack? - It's not a heart attack.

Says here you've been experiencing dizziness, nausea, stomach cramps.

That's right. What do you think it is?

I think unless you've been poisoned

or you're pregnant, it's probably just stress.

Poisoned?

Yeah. I remember this case when I was an intern.

A man came in with the same symptoms.

Turns out his wife was putting antifreeze in his oatmeal.

Little bit every day so it wasn't obvious.

But eventually, it killed him.

Good lesson for all of us-- don't piss off the old lady.

What did he say?

He thinks it's stress.

Just stress?

That's a relief. So you must be starving.

What can I make you for dinner tonight?

Yes, Susan Delfino just couldn't resist

lending a hand to a neighbor in trouble.

I'm sure anything you bring will be a huge help to me.

Which was about to cause her some trouble of her own.

No matter how secure we are,

we all experience moments of dread.

It may be just before we open our credit card bill...

or hand over a note from our teacher...

or step on the scale after a week away from the gym.

Yes, we all experience moments of dread,

and sometimes

we have no one to blame...

but ourselves.

Daddy's home. How are my--

"Bloody stranger two"? She can't watch this!

Daddy, no!

Look, this is about some... stranger who comes to town

and starts murdering slutty teenagers!

Yeah. It's a good lesson for when she's older.

Don't be a slutty teenager.

Gaby, this is way too violent.

Oh, the kid's used to violence.

You've seen me make her eat carrots.

Besides, Juanita knows the movie's fake.

Right, honey?

Duh. There's no way one speargun

could shoot through three heads in real life.

Exactly. Two, maybe.

Maybe.

Oh, Carlos, relax.

Juanita's tough. She'll be fine.

Aah! He's out there!

Oh! Calm down, sweetie. Who's out there?

The bloody stranger.

He was standing on our lawn looking at our house.

The bloody stranger. Nice.

No, honey, we talked about this, remember?

How it was all pretend?

Can I sleep in here with you guys?

You can sleep with her. I'm gonna sleep in your bed.

Celia's in my bed.

Then I'll sleep in Celia's bed.

She wet her bed.

Come on in.

- Hey! - Hey!

Look who's home in time for dinner!

Yeah, well, I couldn't miss spaghetti night.

Spaghetti night's tuesday, dad.

- You made it home for taco night. - Taco night?

Ay, caramba!

Hey--no. I'm kidding. Mwah.

Hey, your mom made a lovely dinner,

so the least that I could do was bring home dessert.

- Plane tickets? - That's right.

- I planned the family vacation this year. - You did what?

Seven days, six nights

at the Royal Kailua spa and resort

In... Hawaii.

- Whoo! - Dad!

- Well done, sir! - I've never been there!

You bought the tickets without talking to me first?

Okay. Not exactly

"wow, Tom, you're the greatest husband in the world."

But I told you, I already planned our vacation,

Just like I've been doing for the last 16 years.

Well, there you go. You deserve a year off.

Wait until you see

- the waterslides at this place. - Cool!

Yeah. Yeah, cool. Except I just spent two weeks

mapping out a route for a camping trip,

- And I put a deposit down on an R.V. - Okay, so we eat the deposit.

Wish I could eat it right now.

And I told my sister we'd stop by and visit on the way.

We get back from Hawaii,

we fly her out to see us here--

Boom! Problem solved.

And yet still no

"You're the greatest husband in the world"?

Oh, my god.

First class?

You are the greatest husband in the world!

Aah! Oh, my god! We're going to Hawaii! Aah!

Yes! So lucky! Ohh.

Yeah.

Hawaii.

Principal Hobson!

Principal Hobson?

Principal Hobson!

Uh-- Susan! Hey! Great to see you!

Did you get my e-mails? I sent you, like, ten.

E-mails? No.

- Oh. Well, in the first one-- - All right. I got them.

And I would be glad to give you your job back,

- but I'm afraid it just isn't gonna happen. - Oh...

Why not?

Susan, you can't be surprised that there are consequences

when you show up on the internet holding a feather duster

and wearing a purple bra?

That was very specific.

Well, I-I had to verify the claims in order to--

My point is, the damage was done.

I know. I made a mistake.

But I feel like I deserve a second chance.

If it were up to me, I would give you that chance.

But you know private schools.

The parents' council has all the power.

So... if I were to win them over...

Well, it would be a start.

Thank you. I'll take it from here.

Oh, and I promise,

No feather duster, no purple bra.

And no black bustier.

Nice talking to you.

Oh, Detective Vance. I was just, um, heading out.

I won't keep you. I just stopped by to give you another card,

- to replace the one you lost. - What makes you think I lost it?

I gave it to you two days ago. You never called me,

- So I'm assuming you lost it. - No. I didn't.

Now, is that nice?

I give you a graceful way to spare my feelings,

and you clobber me with facts.

You sure you didn't lose it?

Quite sure. In fact, it's right here in my purse.

You didn't throw it away.

That must mean you were thinking of calling.

Look...

this is my second try. I can't ask you again.

- Is that an ultimatum? - It's a fact of courtship--

Twice is charmingly persistent. Once more and I'm stalking you.

- So you're courting me? - I'm trying to.

When will you stop playing hard to get?

Maybe when you stop playing hard to want.

- You see how much you enjoy smacking me down? - Mm.

Why pass up a chance to do it all night?

Come on. One dinner.

Fine. This thursday, 8:00 P.M.

Great. See you then.

I thought you were heading out.

Right.

You... want me to test a tuna noodle casserole?

Is that a problem?

Well, normally we test stuff

like soil samples and ground water,

But sure, I can do it. What are you looking for?

Antifreeze.

Hey. What are you doing tonight?

A friend of mine's playing at a jazz club.

Oh, thanks, Renee, but I have a date.

If you don't want to come, just say so.

- You don't have to make stuff up. - No! I really do have a date.