Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!

Settle.

Sorry, sarge.

Ugh, Halloween is the worst.

Everyone's drunk, wearing a mask,

and carrying a fake gun.

Plus all the girls think they have to dress sexy.

I know, that is the worst. Please make them stop.

I passed a slutty tree on the way here.

Who wants to have sex with a tree?

Was it a maple?

Was it a maple?

Buon giorno, buon giorno.

- Pretty cool 'stume, huh? - 'Stume?

Short for costume. Ah.

All right, let me guess. You are dumpy Chuck Norris.

No, I'm... Dumpy Ron Weasley.

No.

You guys, stop it.

He put thought into his costume,

and he is obviously Miranda from Sex and the City.

Guys, I'm Mario Batali!

"Molto Mario"? Celebrity chef?

Ginger Prince of little Italy?

Is he also a homeless troll doll?

'Cause you look like a homeless troll doll.

Hey, sweet Batali costume, dude.

Thank you!

There's a man with impeccable taste.

He bit a guy's butt off at a W.N.B.A. game.

Eric Stoltz from Mask .

I'll take it. Yeah.

I hope you're all well rested.

It's gonna be a busy night.

The holding cell's completely full.

I keep having to separate

Hillary Clinton and Kim Jong-Un.

Stop it! Stop making out!

Hey... no! What would bill say?

We need two undercovers

at the Dekalb street warehouse party.

Boyle, you're already in costume as, uh,

Joy Behar?

I'm Mario Batali.

Okay. And, uh, Santiago,

you go with him.

Yes, sir. Damn it.

Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween,

but stick with me, and I promise you,

you will love it.

Can you magically make everyone kind, sober,

and fully dressed?

"Kind, sober, and fully dressed."

Good news, everyone, we found the name

of Santiago's sex tape.

Well, ring it up, nerds.

I just arrested my first Halloween idiot

of the season.

He was trying to rob a bank

but had a little trouble with the getaway.

Trying to "split," huh?

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get out on "a peel."

I'm so glad you're stuck.

I've got a million of these.

No, no, don't touch the money! Ugh!

I swear, these perps are so stupid.

I'd make a better criminal than any of them.

Yeah, you would. You'd be an evil mastermind,

and everyone would call you the handsome bandit.

Thank you, Charles. And the best part is,

none of you could catch me.

I'm fairly certain you would be caught.

No, scratch that.

I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.

Ho, ho, ho!

All right, challenge accepted.

I didn't issue a challenge. Fine.

I'll issue it for you.

What's the most valuable thing in your office?

My medal of valor.

God, you are such a hero.

All right, how about this? I will bet you

that by midnight tonight,

I can steal the medal of valor from your office.

Why would I possibly agree to that?

Because if I lose, I'll work

the next five weekends, no overtime.

And I won't tell anyone here

about the time I saw you wearing short shorts

outside of work.

But if I win... You won't.

You have to do all of my paperwork tonight,

the busiest and spookiest night of the year.

And you have to publicly state

that I'm an amazing Detective-slash-genius.

And this won't interfere with you doing your job?

You mean my job as an amazing Detective-slash-genius?

No, it will not. I'll do all of my work,

guaranteed.

I'm considering it.

I'm interested.

I agree to participate. All right.

There's the robot I fell in love with.

Hey.

Sister Steve here got mugged.

Some guy dressed as the royal baby

punched him and took his wallet.

She keeps laughing at me.

Can't tell you how many nuns

I wanted to beat up in catholic school.

Ten.

I didn't know you went to catholic school.

Good. You shouldn't know it.

I get it. You're so mysterious and tough.

But you know what I think?

You're actually a big softy.

No, I think she's really mean.

You probably read a Maya angelou poem

at your graduation and cried.

Didn't graduate. Had to leave.

Why? What'd you do?

Here's a hint.

I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, I'm gonna find out anyway.

I'm a Detective.

I will detect!

Hey.

Got an arrest file here for the Captain.

Drunk and disorderly.

So, anyways...

Gina!

We never talk anymore.

How's the dance troupe? Did you get a haircut?

What's the Captain's schedule like today?

I'm not gonna help you rob him, Jake.

I'm his assistant, and I take that job

incredibly seriously.

You're literally making paper airplanes

out of police reports right now.

Well, how am I supposed to get it into that garbage can?

Please, Gina?

Fine, Captain's got a meeting

downstairs in ten minutes.

You're the best. Mwah!

What does your skin taste like?

Dina Lohan. I'm wearing her face lotion.

That's it.

Thank you.

Okay, party's around the corner.

Tipster said there'll be a huge amount of drug activity.

Why is this costume so stiff?

And what is that smell?

The department never washes them, so it's probably vomit.

Hey!

I got you a chocolate.

Yet another great thing about Halloween... chocolate!

Thanks. Oh, look.

Raggedy Ann is drinking vodka right from the bottle.

People think if they put on a costume,

they can just get away with anything they want.

Halloween is Christmas for jerks.

Come on, ma'am. No open containers.

Oh, and why should I listen to you, bone person?

It's called skelon. It's a very common word.

Just put the vodka away.

You guys are cops?

These guys are cops!

Are you in my ceiling, Peralta?

No.

So what's the plan?

You wait for me to leave my office,

lower yourself down, take my medal,

and win the bet?

Who are you talking to?

There's no one up here.

Peralta, just so you know,

right now, I am taking my medal off the wall

and placing it in a locked safe

whose combination is known only to me.

The safe, in turn,

is locked in the cabinet.

The only key to that cabinet is on my person.

I'm off to my meeting. Good luck with your plan.

You think that scares me?

I laugh in the face of adversity!

Are you still there?

Captain, are you still there? I can't hear...

Agh!

Ow.

Here you go.

Don't touch the butter.

What happened? I thought you guys

were supposed to be at the warehouse party.

We got egged.

Some of the shell got in my contacts

and my hair and my mouth and my bra.

I can't tell if that's hot or not.

Not hot.

Eggshell in my bra is not hot.

Well, it's kinda hot.