A Madea Christmas

- Okay. Are we doing... - Hi.

- How are you? - I'm not comin' out there.

It's only a day and a half of work, and you gonna be making $150.

- I look like a damn fool. - I'm gonna come in.

Okay. One, two, thre...

You better stop it.

Eileen, you come in on three. You don't say, "One, two," and come in.

You say, "Three." Then you come in.

Look at you. You are dressed for success.

I look like the whole damn red-light district.

I ain't had nothing like this on since I was on that pole.

Ooh. Well, just think of this as another pole. The North Pole.

They don't make it rain at the North Pole.

At my age, I can't get no rain nowhere.

I get a little drizzle, but them quarters hurt.

No, no, no. Well, this is beautiful.

Just think of this as a little extra money for you and Cora.

Honey, I don't buy Cora nothing for Christmas.

I ain't bought her nothing since she was seven years old.

- You're kidding. - That's right.

Cora asked me for some money for some dolls named Starz.

I couldn't afford it. She just wanted them Starz.

So all day Christmas, she made me feel bad.

That night, Christmas dinner, she's still sitting at the table crying.

I knocked the hell out of her. You know what happened?

She saw stars. And she never asked me for another gift.

- You are dreadful. Yes, you are. - The truth.

- I can't do this, Eileen. - Yes, you can. Stop.

- Now, just smile. - Okay. I'm smiling.

Now, you should see... Come over here.

I gotta take you where you working.

You should see the lovely gifts I bought for my daughter.

- How she doing? - Oh, she is excellent.

You know she went to New York to get a degree...

got her master's and up and moved to Alabama of all places.

- What the hell she move to Alabama for? - Who knows.

Anyway, she took a little job there in some little, small school, you know.

She says she wants to start a farm.

- A farm? What she starting a farm for? - I don't know. I don't know.

But anyway, you know she got tons of offers down here in Atlanta.

But she didn't want to, so what can you do?

- Maybe she's trying to get away from you. - You better stop that.

- Where we going? - My daughter loves me.

Round yon Virgin Mother...

- Was that you singing? - No, ma'am.

There's no one else in there, Bailey McCoy.

Come on. Walk with me. You're late again.

I'm sorry.

- I'm gonna have to talk to your parents. - No.

I just woke up late. I'll be here on time. I promise.

Budget cuts, budget cuts.

All right. Go on in class.

- We'll talk about this later. Okay? - Okay.

And your singing.

I'm not gonna come in here and listen to this.

All right, people!

Now, we may have to cancel the Christmas Jubilee this year.

- No way! - We don't have the budget!

Mayor, you hold on right there.

All right? Now, I grew "poinsetters" for this.

Poinsettias.

- That's what I said. - No, you didn't.

If this Christmas Jubilee don't happen...

what am I gonna do with all them "poinsetters"?

- Poinsettias. - Stop. Do I look stupid?

- Tanner, I understand. - No, sir...

with all due respect, I don't think you do.

Since they built that dam upriver, we've been barely surviving.

Between that and the drought...

managed to put most of our crops out of business.

We need this Christmas Jubilee to happen. You hear me?

We don't have the money. I talked to the city council, didn't I?

You did, Your Honor. He talked to him. I heard him.

- Take it out of the school. - Hold on, Tanner McCoy.

We've already cut the school's budget...

and as principal, I have to draw the line.

We have four teachers teaching several classes.

If we cut back more, we'll not be able to finish the school year.

I don't care. Somebody has to do something.

We have to have this Christmas Jubilee.

It helps too many people around here make enough money just to stay open.

We don't have the budget!

When we elected you as mayor, you said you would help us!

I know. I'm sorry.

Folks around here don't take too kindly to politicians not keeping their word.

You keep putting all these good people against the wall and see what happens.

Come on, fellas. Geez.

- This is ridiculous. - Absolutely.

- You believe that guy? - That was unpleasant.

Yes, it was.

- This is where you'll be working. - Okay.

Okay? Have you ever done sales before?

- Yes, I sold trees. - Christmas trees?

When you smoke 'em, they make you feel like it's Christmas.

If you don't stop that nasty talk.

Stop it. I mean, where goods were exchanged.

I was exchanging my goodies back in the day.

Yes, indeed.

- I got to bring... - On the black market.

- I got to bring you back to church. - You ain't bringing me to no church.

I ain't goin' to no church. The devil is a lie.

- And you still married to him. - Honey, honey...

- Speak of the devil, listen. Listen. - What, what, what?

- Y'all want me to work the register? - No, no.

- Other people take... - You sure?

You have to be bonded for that job.

If I took the register, I'd be bonded out.

Okay. Yeah. No, no, no, no.

Listen, let's go over a little quick review of what you're supposed to do.

- You teach me. - You're supposed to direct the customers...

when they ask you for something, and you can refer to this.

Okay? Now, kitchenware is on the fifth floor.

- Kitchenware, fifth floor. - Yes.

- Women's apparel is on the second... - Y'all sell pears?

Y'all got produce up there?

- Clothing. Women's clothing. - Say, "Clothing." Don't say, "A pears."

I don't know what "apparels" is. "A pears."

Okay. Young adults is on the third floor.

- Young adults on the third floor. - Makeup and perfume is here.

And over there across the hall.

- I get it. I'll be fine. - All right, and listen.

Most important, everybody gets the same greeting.

When they come in, you look them in the face...

you smile pretty and you say, "Merry Christmas.

It's a beautiful day at Tifton's.

Joy to you and yours. Yes, may I help you?"

That what I say? Fine. I will say that.

- You wanna go over it once? - All right.

- Here's a customer. Okay. - Can you help me?

- Yes. Merry... - Yes.

Mary had a little...

- No, Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

- It's a beautiful day at Tip... - Tifton's.

- Tap... Tip... Tiptoes. - Joy to you.

Joy to the world and the Lord is come, and happy Easter.

What can... What can I do for you at Tifton's?

Thank you. I'm looking for women's lingerie.

Honey? Who the lingerie for?

For me, of course.

I don't know about you wearing the lingeries.

Those days are over, honey. Somebody should've told you it's passed.

The lingeries is for young people with tight, firm stuff.

What I would suggest you do, hunty...

I would suggest you walk across the street to Target...

and ask them for some of those really nice big, big-girl drawers...

so that you will be comfortable.

You don't wanna walk around with a slingshot up your butt.

- Eileen! - Come, come, come.

Come. Let me help you.

- You are so rude! - She's something.

No, you are the one that's rude anytime you bring lingerie to a man.

Who was the 37th president of the United States?

I know.

Bailey, do you know?

I know the answer.

I didn't ask you. I asked Bailey.

He don't know. He's always dirty.

And he's just a farm boy.

Yes, but he's the only one to get an A on all three of his last tests.

What did you get, Lucy?

Or you, Larry?

There will be no bullying in this class.

I'll see you all tomorrow. Do your homework.

Look over the list of songs for the Christmas Jubilee.

Christmas is five days away.

Hold on a second, Bailey.

You gotta start speaking up and participating in class.

I know you knew the answer.

You're are so smart and talented.

You get an A on every test. You gotta believe in yourself.

Lucy's right. I'm just an old farm boy.

There is no such thing as "just a farm boy."

You are smart. You can be anything you want.

I can only imagine if you could just stay awake in class.

- Are you up late at night? - No, ma'am.

I want you to sing the lead solo at the Christmas Jubilee.

I'm sorry. I can't do that.

- Yes, you can. - No.

You know what? I really gotta go, Miss Williams.

My daddy's gonna be waiting for me at home.

Go on.

Hello?

I don't hear from you in six years...

and you call me out of the blue because you need my help.

Don't blame that on me.

You're the one who married Kelly and stopped returning my calls.

You're not still bitter, are you?

Maybe. How is she?

I don't know. We're divorced.

Good. She was such a tramp.

I can't believe you married her and dumped me. That's what you get.

Okay, okay.

Hey, pull up, It was high school. Am I forgiven?

That depends. Can you help me with my school situation?

- So you need sponsorship? - Yes.

A call came in just as I was leaving a meeting..

With a company that's in the middle of a PR nightmare.

They could use some goodwill right now.

Actually, in a town like yours. So your timing may be perfect.

Tell me about it.