Better Things

Some people use it, like,

to settle their stomach. If you...

Happy Father's Day, mothers!

‐Hey. ‐Hi, hi, hi.

- Oh, you made bruschetta? - Hi, lovely.

- I'm making bruschetta. - Oh, hey there, Sunny.

My ex is with Hiya's ex. This is Hiya.

- Oh, hi. - Uh, Chaya.

Chaya. - Hiya. - Hiya.

Chaya. It's a hard C-H.

Hard. Like, uh,

challah French toast. Chaya.

Hiya.

I can't with these shiksas.

Hiya just got separated, too.

- Our husbands work together. - Ex-husband.

- Ex-husband. Get used to saying it. - No.

I'm not saying it.

He's just having a moment. He's coming back.

I got to believe he's coming back.

That's what I thought in the beginning.

- Ha! - Okay,

- just reminding everyone. - Yeah, right. Exactly.

Lesbian. Single mom.

Every mom is a single mom.

No, no. Realsingle mom,

not divorced single mom.

Stop bragging.

So, where are your kids?

- Jeff took them camping. - Mmm.

His mantra is to be the best dad and ex-husband

he possibly can be.

That's so annoying.

Wait, why?

Why? Why?

Because of the years.

Do you know how many years we spent

sitting at the kitchen table

with you crying over him

and me begging for you to leave him?

Five years.

Five.

Five years.

You were tortured, and now that he's not

your problem anymore, he's amazing.

I know. It's crazy,

but we're really happier

than we ever have been, and we're working on being

the best exes we can be to each other. Why is that...?

That's-that's great.

Good for you, I guess. I just...

I just can't ever do something like that.

That's not...

That's big.

Oh.

This is happening because of you.

You got me through the dark days.

Oh, man.

It's my job.

Don't forget, okay?

Never forget.

Damn. I wanted to be like Jennifer Garner.

She's the number one best ex-wife in the world.

She's so pretty. She cooks.

- You cook. - How does she get over it?

He shtups the nanny, he breaks his sobriety,

she jumps in the car, she drives him to rehab,

and now they all go on vacations together with the kids.

I'm gonna be sick.

And she composts and makes her own honey

and probably mead and...

I love her hair.

Episode Title: "Father's Day" Aired on: April 16, 2020

We were having a honeymoon of a divorce.

We were gonna handle

the whole thing ourselves on the Internet.

- Okay. This is mediators. - Mediators. But I'm gonna...

- But we-we can do it online. - Mediators are here. Lawyers...

Yeah.

What are we gonna do with our rings?

- I guess I never got that far. - Hock them.

We can hock them, yeah.

We were gonna live, like, on a compound

and raise the girls together.

Then his mother got into his head.

He's ready for you.

So,

you're LeBron, and this is the key.

But you can't get through, you can't get through.

So what do you do?

Basketball not your sport?

How's this? Divorce...

is like hockey.

You have face-offs and fights,

goals, heroes, villains.

But the kids are the puck.

Can we do soccer?

I don't know soccer.

Let me make this easy.

You make more money than he does.

So?

So, in the words of the immortal Jim Morrison,

come on, baby, settle.

Let's settle.

And I've been paying ever since.

Did I tell you that Tom

now refers to his 25-year-old girlfriend

- as his soul mate? - Ew.

How fun is that.

So, when he was 30, a baby was born

with part of his soul, and now he has sex with it?

Yeah.

Someone please tell me why the hell

she'd want to be with him.

He has a cyst on his left testicle

that swells in the heat.

He has to constantly ice

his old balls in the summer.

- No! - I'm eating.

I cannot wait till he has his second family after 60.

I hope they're twins, and I hope that maybe

coaching all their sports and shit will kill him.

Baruch Hashem.

- Baruch Hashem. - Baruch Hashem.

- Baruch Hashem. - Cheers to that.

Least you know why he left.

Yeah, Richard swears up and down it's not another woman.

I don't even understand what happened.

I thought we were happy.

And I don't know how

- I'm gonna live without him. - Oh, baby.

Oh, man.

Okay. Circle.

Do you want a Xanax?

Yes, I do.

- How many? - Three.

- Good. - Is that all?

The doctor is in.

Widows are so lucky.

Sam.

- I'm just saying. - We don't all hate them. Stop.

What?

You know, Ari wasn't perfect.

And to be fair,

I was the one who cheated on him.

Thank God we ended it before it went too far south.

Did you know the whole time

that he was gay?

Gay?

Ari's not gay.

No, I know.

This kills me.

I got to tell you this before he gets here.

Tom wants to know what brand of sheets I buy.

- What? - This dude.

Does he want me to, like, put roses on his pillows

before he gets home to go to bed?

- You're not texting him back. - But then I'm a dick

because I'm icing him out on Father's Day.

- I like it. - Ice his balls.

Ice his balls, baby.

Ugh, can we stop talking about balls?

Yeah.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

He's coming here?

He's dropping off the twins.

Okay. The fun never stops, even when we get rid of him.

Hey, Sam.

Hi.

- Smells good in here. - Thank you.

Are you staying?

I know you like hanging out at lady gatherings.

Just dropping off the kids.

On Father's Day.

Nice.

I spent the entire day with them.

W- Was that a whole four hours

with your own kids?

Impressive. Hmm.

You've always been gunning for me.

Wh-What is your problem?

I don't know.

You're a terrible husband.

How do you know?

Lala tells me everything.

She does?

Mm-hmm.

Did she tell you how

when the twins were born, she got so depressed

she could barely take care of them?

I- I know about that.

That was... that was hard.

Yeah. Uh, yeah.

That-that was hard, Sam.

Do you know that when her mom died,

she just never bounced back?

That I begged her to get help, but she refused?

And do you know she hasn't let me touch her in two years?

She tell you that?