Dragnet

This is the city, Los Angeles, California.

I work here.

I carry a badge.

The story you are about to see is true.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

It was Tuesday, April 2nd.

It was cloudy in Los Angeles.

We were working the day watch out of detective headquarters.

The boss is Captain Didion.

My partner is Bill Gannon.

My name's Friday.

It was almost 5 O'clock.

It had been a long day.

You know, this is really getting to be the camel's back.

What is?

I'll tell you what is.

The straw that broke the camel's back, that's what is.

What's that?

All this paperwork.

Yeah, there sure is a lot of it, all right.

A lot of it?

That's all being a policeman is anymore, shuffling papers from one pile to another.

You know what I think, Joe?

No, what do you think?

The hazard on this job isn't the criminal.

It's writer's cramp, typer's knuckle.

You know what it's coming to, don't you?

No, partner, tell me.

It's coming to the point where you're going to have to fill out a form to go to the men's room.

You know what you need, don't you?

What do I need?

You need to go home.

It's almost 5 O'clock.

Yeah, I think you're right.

What about you?

What do you mean?

What are you going to do tonight?

Oh, I got night school.

This is Tuesday.

Your class is Thursday night.

No, that was last semester.

This time it's Tuesdays.

Oh, what are you taking?

Psychology.

Well, actually, it's more of a sensitivity session.

A what?

Sensitivity.

There are about 20 of us, and we just sit around in a big circle and talk.

What about?

Anything at all.

You just sit around and talk, and for this, you get a grade?

Well, if you're just a warm body, you know, you just show up for class and

sit there without saying anything, the professor says he'll give you a C.

Now, if you join in the conversation, participate, then you're gonna get a B.

Things have sure changed since I went to school.

You had to do a lot more than just talk to get a B.

Well, you see, the idea is to be honest, let your hair down, you know, get to know one another.

They know you're a policeman?

No, nobody knows what the other one does.

That's the idea.

The professor says he wants us to react to the person, not to the occupation.

You see?

It's an interesting group of people.

But are you really picking up anything you didn't already know just being on the job?

No, not so much new things, just a different way of looking at old things.

Well, like this one guy, Jerry.

He's about 33.

He admits having been busted for narcotics.

Says he's taken 150 LSD trips and the doctor told him he was psychotic.

And you mean this guy copped out to all that in front of 19 other people?

Oh, yeah, that's the idea.

Everybody's supposed to cop out to something.

Confession's good for the soul or something like that.

Well, that's not exactly a new idea, is it, Joe?

No, no, it's been around for a while.

At least I know what kind of grade I'd get in that class.

You do, huh?

It's obvious.

The only way to get a B is to confess something, right?

Yeah.

Well, I'd have to take a C.

You would.

Of course, Joe.

I have nothing to confess.

Hey, Joe, we've been waiting for you.

Jerry, Jack.

Hey, Joe.

Joe, come here.

You've got to hear this joke.

There was this drunk, see, and he's stoned in a Chinese restaurant.

He calls the waiter over and he says, Listen, I've got to ask you a question.

Does a lemon have legs?

And the waiter says, Of course not.

A lemon doesn't have legs.

And the drunk says, That's terrible, terrible.

I just squeezed your canary in my drink.

Last time I heard that, the lemon had feathers.

Oh.

It's good to see you, Barbara.

It's good to see you, Joe.

Good evening.

Good evening, people.

Hi, Professor.

Shall we begin?

How are you?

Just fine.

How was your weekend?

I had to work.

Oh, that's too bad.

All right, Jack, condense it.

See if you can describe your philosophy in one line.

Uh, doing your own thing.

Yeah, but if it isn't your own thing, it's someone else's thing, and then it's none of your business.

That's the hang-up with the establishment today.

They're always trying to mind somebody else's.

That's his business.

All right, all right.

Doing your own thing also means respecting someone else's right to do his own thing.

But how do we know when it is our own thing?

When it's not something somebody else is telling you to do, then it's yours.

You gotta get it all together before you can tell if it's your own thing and not your peeps.

Joe, what does peeps mean?

His people, his family.

I see.

What do you mean by getting it all together?

Well, you drop a little acid and you take a trip around yourself and you see who you really are.

But does it work?

Do you really find out who you are?

Well, when it isn't a bummer, it works fine.

All right, but what about taking Red's, second all?

It's a sleeping pill.

We give it every day in the hospital to make people sleep.

Oh, you only go to sleep because you're told you're supposed to.

It's all in your mind.

After two or three times, you can control it so that you're just on the edge.

Then it's a groovy high and no getting sick like with booze.

Anybody that believes that has got to be a fool.

Tell us why, Joe.

In the first place, when he's describing the part about it all being in the mind,

that's just another way of saying your body builds up tolerance to second all.

Now, if you take reds three days in a row, the same amount that puts you out on the

first day just doesn't do it on the third day because your body has built up that tolerance to it.

And anybody who's strung out on reds is really on a bad trip, fella.

Yeah, man, being strung out on reds is really a bummer.

Oh, baloney, the whole thing always gets back to drugs.

Drugs are for cripples.

And you don't take drugs?

No, I don't.

Not even aspirin?

Not even aspirin.

Never take a drink with the boys?

Well, that's different.

Oh, alcohol is not a drug.

Well, all right then.

Technically speaking, yes.

Are you a cripple?

No, I'm not.

I'd like to ask a question.

Shoot, man, I got no secrets.

You said you took LSD because it enabled you to gain insights into your personality.

Yeah, that's it.

You told us you took it over 150 times just to know yourself better, right?

Right.

Well, now, when do you think you'll get the job done?

Well, what do you mean?

How many more LSD drops do you think you're gonna need before you know yourself?

I don't know.

Well, how many times does a person have to go to a psychoanalyst before he gets his peeps out of his hair?

I wouldn't know.

My family was never in my hair.

But then again, I didn't need an excuse to do my thing because my thing wasn't taking drugs.

Oh, let's face it.

The establishment is not all messed up like we are.

It's all us obscene commie hippies that support the liquor industry.

And it's all us obscene longhairs that draft you old folks and make you go kill

innocent men, women, and children in Vietnam.

I believe we discussed Jerry's debating technique last week,

and I thought we'd agree to try to minimize the sarcasm.

The one thing I find most interesting is apparently the one thing that has

consistently been missed by the rest of you.

For a moment there, I thought Bob was going to catch it.

How do you mean, Professor?

You said we always end up talking about dope.

Isn't it also true we end up talking about Morgan?

Oh, I can't help it if I'm a star, man.

Would it be a fair statement that a lot of what you say, Jerry, is just to draw attention to yourself?

Getting stoned is on everybody's mind these days.

That's why everybody talks about it.

It's the same thing as during Prohibition.

Nothing is ever the same, except dying.

Care to expand on that, Norm?

Jerry here is playing with his own mind and trying to convince us that he's having a good time.

Yeah, man, and I'll bet you vote straight Republican and you got a sheet in your closet with eye holes.

Now, you listen to me.

When you walk down the street in Calcutta, you see people,

and you don't know whether they're sleeping or dead.

And in Africa, I can get you killed for $5 American.

So don't give me that song and dance about doing your own thing.

Doing your own thing for most of this godforsaken world is being alive the next day.

If that means blowing up some dude who's a threat to me, I'll