The Cleveland Show

¶ and I am proud to be ¶

¶ right back in my hometown ¶

¶ with my new family ¶

¶ there's old friends and new friends ¶

¶ and even a bear ¶

¶ through good times and bad times ¶

¶ it's true love we share ¶

¶ and so I found a place ¶

¶ where everyone will know ¶

¶ my happy mustached face ¶

¶ this is the cleveland show. ¶

Hey, the restroom is right here!

Some skank is having a baby in there, man.

Oh.

Congratulations!

Babies making babies.

Aah! Fructose!

Damn, this school is more out of control

Than amy winehouse's hair.

Where have you been?

It's 4:00 a.M.

Get off my back!

I hate you!

I hate this house!

I hate my life!

I don't really hate you.

I know, love.

Come to mama.

There there, baby.

Now where is my head hair?

"teabag city?!"

More like t-rouble city for whoever did this.

Remain calm.

It's a prank.

Football team, remain calm.

Marching band, remain calm.

Cast of this season's biggest loser, remain calm.

: This is principal farquhar.

Good afternoon, concerned parents,

Teachers and local busybodies.

I'm speaking to you from the our lady

Of our lord jesus christ hospital's trample ward.

To end the anarchy at our school,

I've gathered the nine worst punks at stoolbend high.

E.L. Fudge, wowzer,

A.K. Rocka, lazy eye,

Fontasia, big skeeze,

Hole punch, p. Hound, and nazi greg.

Uh, nazi greg's grandma died. He not here.

: Sorry to hear that.

Donna, write a condolence card to nazi greg.

Now, as for the rest of you,

I can't pin anything on you specifically,

But by the power of the farquhar doctrine,

I can preemptively expel all of you.

This is fascist, man!

Go back to woodstock!

In my day, you could buy candy for a nickel.

What we have here

Is a failure to communicate.

Cleveland brown?

What are you doing there?!

It's coach brown, wally.

And what I'm doing is realizing

That those who can, coach,

And those who can't, teach.

And it's time for this coach to teach these teachers

How to coach these students to teach themselves

How to coach one another while teaching us all...

Aren't there usually chips at these meetings?

Don't you see?!

All these kids need is a si t-down with a grown-up

Who can give them the tough love they need.

Someone as wild and unconventional as they are,

With his outrageous behavior and shocking gutter talk.

Doggone it!

Seems fine.

Doesn't seem to have any dents in it or anything.

The point is, these kids need a hero.

Oh no, one of the bolts came out

Where the seat adheres to the back support leg.

What about you, coach brown?

Well, he did break a chair.

Then it's settled.

Coach brown will save our school.

Godspeed, you black emperor.

Whoosh, whush, whash.

Whoosh.

Rallo, julius' costume party was a week ago.

What did I tell you about wearing that filthy thing?

Oh, what'd I tell you?

This ain't a costume.

I... Am... Superman!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop what?

I'm not doing anything. Get this damn thing...

rallo. I'm just standing here

In this position. Damn, you smell foul.

Why don't you stop. Fine.

That's right. Stink all to hell and get lice and suffer.

Go on get in the kitchen and make my dinner. You stink.

Okay, guys, welcome to my home.

If you touch anything, let me know,

So I can get it professionally cleaned.

Actually, let me start over.

Welcome to my home.

Don't touch anything.

Hey, it's that lady from the school

That has the big ass.

Language!

Hey, it's the lady from the school

Who has the big ass.

There you go.

Come on, let's boogie on down for our rap session.

You dig?

¶ ¶

Ah, that's good tonic water.

Nobody wants a tonic?

Okay.

Now let's stop being polite and start getting real.

I know what you kids are up to.

Drinking beer, drinking whiskey,

Peeing in the bed, puking in the bed,

Peeing on your puke, puking on your pee.

Same bull spit I used to do.

Whatever you've done, I've done worse.

Like what?

I shot a kid.

He was 13 years old.

Oh, it was dark.

I couldn't see him.

Had a ray gun, looked real enough.

You know, when you're a rookie,

They can teach you everything about being a cop

Except how to live with a mistake.

Hold up-- isn't that from die hard?

yes.

I love that movie!

Me, too, ese! It's sick.

You seen bird on a wire?

You know, you kinda look like the black guy in die hard.

Hold up-- were you the black guy in die hard?

Yes.

I got something to say.

¶ bob-ba-bah-bob, a-dang, a-dang, dang ¶

¶ a ding-a-dong-ding, you're cool. ¶

There we go.

Now, doesn't friendship feel nice?

Mmm, it feels nice to me.

Hey, the eight of you could form a club.

You could call yourselves "the eight positive teens

Who are making a difference in their community."

Or eptwamaditc.

How about the crazy eights?

Yeah! Crazy eights!

Hooray for cleveland, our leader!

Yo, eights, let me holler at you.

I been around.

Seen a lot of things.

Know a lot of things.

But you know what I don't know?

I don't know what to do with all these jackets!

here! Put 'em on!

But these aren't gifts.

They're an investment in your future.

Which will be nothing without a real-world skill.

So, today, we're going into business.

But we don't know nothing about business, homes.

But I do.

We're going to sell a product

That can't people can't live without.

Cleveland jr.: How about cookies?

Junior, what are you doing here?

I'm kind of a troubled teen, too, if you think about it.

Junior's a legacy.

He's in.

And cookies it is!

We're going to be a cooki e-selling operation.

How are we supposed to make money selling cookies, huh?

Easy.

Some of you will put the goods together,

And if you don't have enough to make a full batch,

Just cut in some extra baking powder.

No one's going to notice.

And some of you will handle the distribution.

Street corners and bad neighborhoods are great places

To push your product.

Give poor people something to live for.

And here's a little tip.

The first one's always free.

'cause once you get 'em hooked

They're customers for life.

I know some people who are straight-up junkies.

For cookies. We all do.

Hey, I got a cousin in columbia who got tons of powder.

I mean, baking powder.

Call him.

And we can learn everything

We need to know on the internet

About cooking up a batch.

Of cookies.