Chris Rock: Bring the Pain

Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C.

Are you ready?

I said, are you ready?

It's time to bring the pain, give it to me for Mr. Chris Rock!

How are you?

Washington!

D.C., chocolate city!

That's right! Home of the Million Man March!

(event organized by the Reverend Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam,

October 16, 1995 in Washington, attended by one million African American men)

That's right, the Million Man March!

That had all the type of black leaders there!

Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson)

Marion Barry ...

(Mayor of Washington re-elected despite being jailed for drugs)

Marion Barry ... at the Million Men March!

How did he get the ticket?

It was a day of positivity! How did he get it?

Marion Barry at the Million Man March, do you know what that means?

It means that even in our finest hour we had a crackhead on stage!

Yes, boo all you want, but you know I'm right!

How the hell did Marion Barry get his job back?

He smoked crack and got his job back. How the hell did that happen?

If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald's you can't get your job back!

That's right, they are not gonna trust you around their Happy Meals!

They'll send your ass to Hardee's.

.

He smoked crack and got his job! I want to know who was so ...

Who ran against him that they lost?

Who was so bad they lost to a crackhead?

What was their campaign like? Were they, like, on heroin? (???)

"Vote for me!"

"Vote for me! Don't vote for crack, vote for smack!"

Marion Barry... come on, how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high...

when their mayor is on crack?

"Don't get high. You won't be nothing (???)." "I could be Mayor!"

Crack is everywhere, crack everywhere ... you know what they say?

"Crack is destroying the black community."

"Crack is destroying the ghetto."

Yeah, like the ghetto was so nice before crack!

They say that shit like everybody had at least (???) a mansion, a yacht and a swimming pool ...

... then crack came by and dried it all up!

I think we always focus on the negative side of crack ...

Always on the negative side of crack.

What about the good side of crack? What about the beauty of crack?

What about the good things that crack has brought into our minds that were not there before?

Do you know what the good side of crack is?

If you're up at the right hour you can get a VCR for $ 1.50!

You can furnish your whole house for $ 10.95. Why? Because of crack!

Shit ...

At Christmastime, have you ever bought somebody a crack gift?

They think you've got them something. (???) "Oh, you should not have!" "I didn't!"

Bought from a crackhead!

I think they should just legalize crack. Legalize it.

Do you know why I want them to legalize crack?

Just so my friends' mothers can have something to brag about.

"You know, Ron has got his own crack house now!

Johnny's got his own crack house.

When I drive by ...(???): 'That is my baby's crack house right there'

Hey guys, jump on (???)

Legalize, man. All drugs should be legalized, all!

Why? People want to get high.

That's right. People think about getting high right now.

People are like: "Damn, how much longer is the show?" (???)

People love to get high! You could get rid of all illegal drugs in the world and it won't mean shit.

People want to get high.

If you get rid of all the crack, all the heroin, all the blow, you know what will happen?

People will just think of new ways to get high!

That's right, guys will go to their basement and become scientists and say, "Check this out, check this out!"

"You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right? Fill it up with a little gasoline, dead llama ??? beans and then suck it. You will be fucked up!"

That's right! Now we've got the war on drugs. Bullshit!

The war on drugs is bullshit, it is the way to get more motherfuckers in jail, that's all it is ... yes!

That's all it is!

The drug dealers don't really sell drugs.

The drug dealers ... offer drugs!

I'm thirty years old, ain't nobody ever sold me drugs.

Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room some drugs!

??? you ever in your life not thinking about getting high and somebody sold you some fucking drugs?

Hell, no!

The drug dealers offer: "Man (???), you want some smoke, you want some smoke?"

You say "No", that's it!

Now, the Jehovah's Witnesses, on the other hand ...

Shit!

No, man, drug dealers don't sell drugs: drugs sell themselves.

Crack is not an encyclopedia, not a fucking vacuum cleaner!

You know, you don't really gotta try to sell crack, OK?

I never heard a crack dealer go, "Man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack?"

"It's just piled up in my house!"

That's right, men! I don't fuck around. ???.

Probably main reason I do not do drugs is my big brother. Big brother.

Junkie alcoholic! But doesn't eat pork, 'cause "pork's not good for ya!"

People are full of shit, man. People who shoot heroine, and they go: "You know, red meat can kill you!"

What do you mean "red meat can kill you"?

Only in America we say some bullshit like "red meat can kill you."

We've got too much food in America. Too much food!

"Red meat can kill you"? People are starving all over the world!

What do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? No, no no!

Don't eat no red meat? No. Don't eat no green meat, ok?

What are you talking about? You know, if you are one of the chosen few people on this earth

who is lucky enough to get your hands on a steak: bite the shit out of it!

Too much food in America!

We've got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole world that makes people feel bad for being fat.

The only country in the whole world. People are starving all over the world.

You're fat some place else (???), people are like: "Damn, how did you do that?

"That's amazing! I gotta hang with you!

"Oh, you think you are ??? fat ass?" I put on some weight, we're gonna hang! "

Too much food in America, man!

We've got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food!

Hungry people aren't allergic to shit!

So do you think anybody in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?

Now we've got some people who don't eat pork, what the fuck is that shit about?

You don't eat pork! You don't eat pork!

Some people don't eat pork for religious reasons. I think it's ??? shit.

religion, but I refuse to believe

that on Judgement Day my diet is going to come into question, OK?

What you eat has got shit to do with who you are as a person, ok?

"Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids ... but I eat right!"

No! That ain't gonna help, man (???). No.

You see, people don't realize that religious books were written by men.

Men wrote everything. Men wrote the Bible, men wrote the Koran, men wrote the Torah, all that shit written by men.

Thousands of years ago, before ... you know, like, 5000 years ago,

before there were the DOMOPACK ???, before there were refrigerators, before there were freezers, before there was seasoning (???),

a pork chop might kill you!

That's right. One drop: "Aaaah!" Dead!

But times have changed. That's right, you see, times have changed,

People, you know, 5,000 years ago were like, "Damn, this pork is killing everybody!"

"How can we get people to not eat pork?"

"Ok! Tell them God said, don't eat it."

And everybody said, "Okay, God said, don't eat it." And they stopped eating it.

But times have changed. Now we've got refrigerators, we've got freezers,

we've got some (??? cellophane) wrap, we've got (??? aluminum) wrap! Now a pork chop is your friend!

That's right, if you are starving, a pork chop will save your life!

Shit, I eat a pig's ass, if cooked right!

My family is from the South. You know, people from the South love pork.

No matter what you eat down South, they've got some pork in it!

"Hey, this is a good fish, what kind of fish is it?" "Pork fish!"

You know what the nastiest part of pork is? Pig feet.

Pig feet ??? in ???? old ??? jar,

???? when I was 14 years old!

And pig feet are floating around in that liquid, the brown beige rust liquid ...

What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss?

And people actually pick out the pig feet

"No, not that one, the other one ..."

Like there is any difference shitty ??? pig feet!

"No, give me that one, the one with the nail in it!

"(???) That was athlete's pig foot!"

A lot of stuff going on this year. ??? racial issue.

What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell!

"He should run! He could win! Colin can win, he should run!"

Can't win! Colin Powell can't win!

Colin Powell's got a better chance of winning the bronze in female gymnastics ...

... to being the president of the United States.

Get the fuck out! White people ain't vote for Colin Powell!

They say they are, but they are not!

Ok? This ??? soup his head off, make him run ???? killed for trying ????.

Shit, Colin Powell!

White people say they're gonna vote for him because it seems like the right thing to say.

It just seems like a cool thing to say: "Yes, I would vote for him ..."

It just seems like the right thing to say, just like when you ask somebody if they want to be an organ donor.

They always say "yes" ... But nobody wants to be an organ donor!

Nobody, it just seems like the right thing to say.

Shit, organ donor is for people with no faith at all!

You know, what if they figured out a way to bring you back from the dead? Now I have no eyes!

Ain't this a bitch! Back from the dead and I can't see shit!

"Mom, I'm back! Mom, where are my eyes?

"You gave them to a little boy in Idaho?

"Now I will have to kill him to get my eyes back!"

Colin Powell can't be president!

You know how I could tell Colin Powell can't be president?

Whenever Colin Powell is on the news, white people always give him the same compliments.

Always the same compliments! "How do you feel about Colin Powell?" "He speaks so well!"

"He's so well spoken!" "He speaks so well!" "I mean, he really speaks well!" "He speaks so well!"

Like that's a compliment! "Speaks so well" is not a compliment, OK?

"Speaks so well" is some shit you say about retarted people that can talk!

What do you mean "He speaks well"? What, he had a stroke the other day?

What the fuck ??? man. How the fuck do you expect him to sound, dirty motherfucker? What are you talking about?

"He speaks so well ..."

What are you talking about, "he speaks so well"

What voice were you looking to come out of his mouth? What the fuck did you expect him to sound like?

"I'm a-drop me a bomb today!"

"I'll be pres-o-dent!"

Get the fuck outta here!

Now they're telling that Colin Powell should run for vice president.

Do it for his country. Fuck the country, shit!

He ain't gonna run with the guy he could beat. He ain't gonna run with fucking Dole. He could beat Dole!

??? they only act so a black man can do something that fucking stupid. Run with a guy he could beat.

Get the fuck out of here!

They won't act (???) so white guy won't do no shit like that!

They're not gonna ask Al Gore to run with Al Sharpton, no!

(Famous "perennial candidate". U.S. politicians who are always in the elections, despite being regularly defeated)

Get the fuck out of here, man!

Vice-President ... you know what? It ain't gonna happen!

As long as you live you ain't ever gonna see no black vice president.

Not while the president is white!

Oh no, you will never see. Do you know what they say, "never say never"? I say never!

You will never see no black vice president. Not while there's a white president, and you know why?

'Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why!

Shit, I'd do it!

If we had a black vice president right now, I could not have waited to kill the president!

Shit!