Cougar Town

Why does everyone in this cul- de- sac think it's ok

To let their stupid dogs run loose?

It's like calcutta out there.

What are you doing?

Trying to round up any crap I can find

To regift this christmas, like this little gem here...

Last year's present from Bobby's uncle.

Racist uncle or drug dealer uncle?

Racist uncle.

Drug dealer uncle is now prison uncle.

Oh, right, because of detective cousin.

I miss Bobby's family.

Morning.

Wow. If you're wondering, you're too comfortable.

It's hot. I'm gonna go hop in your pool.

Hey, you know what's funny... funny- ha ha, and funny- err?

I slept in a red T-shirt,

And yet there's a little bit of blue lint in here.

Don't you dare smell that.

Oh, good. now it's on my floor.

And no swimming. Jules and I are going to spin class,

And you've got to take care of Stan.

So when he gets up, you gotta change his diaper,

And then you gotta get him dressed.

You really don't think I could figure that out?

- I really don't. - Fine. oh,

I love this. Can I have it?

Sure, but it counts as your christmas present.

Deal. I am a saucy bitch. bink!

Oh, Laurie's showing a house. I have to remind her

Not to describe everything as "slammin'."

So this room is totally slammin'.

And by "slammin', I mean great. It's a great room.

I'm fine without all the blah - blah.

I've already seen the house a few times.

A few times?

I've got a few toe rings, I've got a few dads,

And I've been involved in a few domestic disputes.

You've seen this house eight times.

That's officially a buttload.

Uh, what can I do to fix this?

Oh, okay. well...

No, I'm kidding. I don't care.

Come on, blah - blah,

show me that kitchen again, huh?

Come on, blah - blah! come on!

You know, it's pretty crowded in here.

Let's just do that thing where we sit on the rowing machines

- without rowing and watch tv. - Oh, we can't.

I have my spinning outfit on,

- Not my fake rowing outfit. - What's the difference?

- Wristbands and thicker undies. - Morning, chicas.

Drink in my new outfit.

Barb, you look like a bobsledder

Well, I have sledded down a few bobs.

Hey! I see some new faces.

Dwayne's the best.

He's got a magical way of motivating people.

Saddle up, you fat, lazy cows!

Try harder, Carol!

Ah. isn't this great?

Drinking a refreshing cup of Joe on a boat...

It's like we're in one of those fancy coffee commercials.

The old boat- in- a- parking lot coffee commercial. classy.

Whoa, a little pricklier than usual, greystoke.

But you're still looking good... handsome.

God was not multitasking when he made you.

No, he wasn't building mountains

and making chick or not.

- he was focused. - how did we get here?

I don't know. why so down?

I have something on my mind,

And I don't want to talk about it.

You know what might make you feel better?

My buddy feisty just put a chainsaw

On the end of his rifle, kind of like a bayonet.

What do you say we head on down there

For a day of shooting things and slicin'em up?

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm up

For playing with someone's rifle - saw.

Rifle - saw!

That's a much better name for the saw - fle.

Ohh. spin class guy was so hot.

I wanted to be his bike seat.

Oh. hey, you need to move,

Because if this area is gonna work again,

It needs to sit.

- Oh! that's not gonna happen. - Oh, no way.

Oh, Travis, take me upstairs and put me in a hot bath?

That's a sentence I was hoping not to hear until you were 70.

Here's your boy. You want to check him over,

Make sure he's okay?

You really want me to trust you more with Stan?

How about you take him today? No instructions,nothing.

You really gonna trust me?

- I really am. Bye. - huh. Oh, thanks, hon. That means a lot.

- Aw, that was sweet. - Yeah, she didn't mean it, though.

She wants to trust me. It's just not in her.

She's always gonna freak out if I bathe him wrong

Or feed him wrong or pretend he's a top hat.

Hello, guvnor!

Incoming.

Forgot my purse.

Always look out for the purse.

They leave it behind like a little spy.

He called me "blah - blah."

I swear to god, jules, I would have killed him,

But then we'd never sell that stupid house,

Because no one wants to buy a murder house

Except for my older sister Tina. She regrets it now, though,

Because she says her house is haunted by a college professor

Who turns all her clothes inside out

And steals her yogurt.

Sometimes Tina lies for attention, but this time,

I don't know. I believe her. There is just too much proof.

I'm gonna take a giant leap back

To the first thing that you said.

Look, Jeff is annoying,

But we're in the service business.

You know, Laurie, one of the things I've learned

As an award-winning real estate agent...

Wait, are you talking about that green business certificate

We got for changing all our lightbulbs?

It's an award. The point is,

We don't let our clients rattle us.

Jeff always rattles you.

No, he used to. Then my shrink told me

To think of him as a tiny little man who wears tiny little pants

Who sometimes twirls a tiny little cane in his tiny little hand.

Your shrink sounds amazing.

He's a genius. So now tiny pants can do whatever he wants to,

Because all I do is think about my commission

With a smile on my face.

The house feels empty.

That could be because it actually is empty.

Maybe. You look bored. Go play with your phone.

- Is she allowed to talk? - I don't encourage it.

Look, if I'm gonna buy this place,

I want to see how it feels with my furniture in here.

Let's do that.

Did he just order me to do something by waving his hand?

Tiny pants, Jules. Tiny pants!

- right. - what?

Oh, nothing. Um, just...

In my head, you have on tiny pants.

- These are big pants. - in my head, they're tiny.

No, they're not.

Yeah, it does seem impossible, Jules.

Those are pretty big pants.

They're tiny, because in my head,

Jeff is... very tiny.

No, I'm... I'm big in your head. I'm like a giant.

Don't you dare tell me

What the size of things are in my head.

- I call the shots up here. - Yeah. This is jules' world.

And you can't get in here, which means you can't get to me.

Is that clear?

Big pants, big belt, big shirt, big shoes.

All right, that's it. You can't buy the house,

Because I won't let you!

I'm gonna buy the house, and I'm gonna burn it.

- I'm gonna burn it all! - Are you finished?

- Yeah. Let's go see the kitchen again. - Please.

Jeff thinks he's in my head. He is so not in my head.

No, of course not.

- Is that spin class boy? - oh, my god.

He must be a jeans model for that cheesy store.

Or he loves his body and lives his life shirtless

No matter what anyone thinks,

Like Matthew Mcconaughey.

Oh, how fun would it be

To go to a movie with a guy like that?

He would look so great at a movie.

So go ask him out.

Oh, I can't. He's way too young for me.

That pause was so that one of you could jump in

- And say, "no, he's not." - Fine.

He is young, but, um, I can sense from here

That he's an old soul.

- I can, too. - Well, there you go. I have to make a call.

Stan's fine. Quit checking up on me.

I know how to take care of our son.

Okay. Love you.

Hello? Oh.

What is this?

It's a play area I built for Stan

So I can take a nap.

- That's a baby cage. -It's a play area.

I just need you to keep an eye out for Ellie.

- There's 20 bucks in it for you. - Feels wrong.

Grow a pair. It's totally safe.

Except for the glass table.

Oh, you're right. He might try to fight his reflection.

I'd like to see that.

What? I rang the bell.

Yeah, most people still wait to be let in.

Sounds like a time - waster.

Look, you're my friend, and I want to know what's bugging you.

- I still don't want to talk about it. - When I was married,

You want to know what Jules always said to me?