M*A*S*H

Two beers, two scotches. Thanks, Igor.

Sergeant, is the general's jeep ready?

Right away, sir! Yeah, I'm just changing the oil.

Good. You're sure you're not oiled yourself?

Hey. Hey, what's the big idea?

Take it easy, Rizzo. It's just a joke.

Hardyharhar.

"Time capsule to be buried in cornerstone of new Los Angeles skyscraper."

Laughable.

What makes that so laughable?

I'll bet a hundred years from now

people will find that really interesting.

Margaret, why on earth would anyone

find Los Angeles of interest in the future?

Certainly no one finds it of interest now.

What the hell are they gonna bury?

Suntan lotion? A carhop?

You know, we could make one of those here.

It's hard to find a carhop in Korea. No, really.

We could put something in the ground

that would remind people that we were here.

I thought that's what land mines were for.

Oh, why can't you ever be serious?

We could leave something that says who we were and why we were here,

like a duty roster or a medal.

Why don't we just leave a copy of Dante's "Inferno"?

Who needs any of you?

I can do it all by myself. Okay, fine. I'll help.

You? Yeah.

Our delegate to the united insubordinations?

Well, everybody else is making holes in this country.

We might as well fill one of them with something constructive.

How about dirt? Oh, poo on you turkeys.

Don't put words in my beak. I wanna help, no kidding. Really.

I thought he could hold his liquor better than that.

Holy Moly!

Igor, I came in here to get blasted, but not like that.

You mean this? It's a dummy. They use it in basic.

I thought it'd make a nice reading lamp for my mom.

Oh, it's a dummy, huh?

Listen, before you get that thing fitted for a shade,

can I borrow it off you?

In exchange for what?

Well, uh, you know that date you got tonight?

You could get to first base a whole lot faster in a Rizzo rentajeep.

Yeah. Women are pushovers for a convertible.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Pierce, what's the catch?

Why does there have to be a catch? I've been here as long as you.

I've worked as hard as you. I just want to be part of it.

Okay. All right. Okay. But I'm warning you.

If this is another one of your jokes,

I've got a curling iron in there that has your name on it.

Pierce, you're really serious

about this time capsule business.

I thought you were just drunk.

Well, you know how Margaret is.

She sees the world through khakicolored glasses.

I just want to get in a few licks for us malcontents.

Ah, Hawk, how could I have ever doubted your insincerity?

I not understand. Where we go?

To a U. N. refugee camp outside of Monsanni.

We cannot. Daughter not know where to look for us.

Was working in field when village attacked. Not see her since.

Oh, dear. Well, tell the U. N. people! They'll help you find her!

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

We interrupt your sweet dreams

to bring you the following nightmare.

Okay, that's it. Tomorrow we get an unlisted number.

Need a unit here. Maybe two. Right away.

Are you the C. O. here, sir? I ain't here to model bathrobes.

What is it, Sergeant?

Well, we got a prisoner.

The sniper who shot that kid this afternoon.

What kid? Stoddard, from Able Company.

We sent him on the chopper. No chopper came in here this afternoon.

Uhoh. We shipped him about 1700 hours.

I see. Klinger? Sir?

Battalion Aid sent us a chopper this afternoon,

and it ain't here yet.

Get on the horn and track it down. Yes, sir.

But first, ring up G2 and tell 'em we've got

a prisoner they may want to interrogate.

Yes again, sir. And before you do that,

incarcerate that prisoner someplace.

Prisoner's over here, Sergeant.

This is the prisoner? They caught her with this.

She's all yours. Oh, that's cute.

Shooting at us with our own guns.

I not shoot anybody!

Must find family. Please let me go.

Hey, save it for the judge.

A time capsule, eh? Exactly.

We want everyone to contribute one item

they feel symbolizes their experience in Korea.

How about one of my gray hairs? That's not bad.

Well, I was thinking of something a little more substantial.

How about your army field manual?

It would show people the rules and regulations

that have made this the finest army in the world. Yeah, that's good.

"How to defend freedom and democracy through unquestioned obedience."

There's nothing wrong with that, Pierce.

I'm putting in a nurses' manual.

Well, I don't know, Margaret.

I never thought of myself exactly as a bythebook man.

Unless you want one of my Zane Greys.

With all due respect, Colonel, Zane Grey isn't very military.

That's just nothing but shooting and killing. What's wrong with Zane Grey?

After 24 hours on my feet, there's nothing better

than soaking my tootsies and losing myself in "Last of the Plainsmen."

I got a better idea.

How about commemorating your tootsies with a bunion pad?

A bunion pad? Pierce, that's a class "A" symbol.

Hold on.

I got Zeno pads up the wazoo.

You can't be serious.

Even Zane Grey is better than that.

Come in.

Sir, finally got some word from G2.

Fine, fine. Tell you what, folks. I got real business here.

You two go on and work out your differences. Colonel, can't you give us

Take 'em both. Pick one, bring back the other.

Zeno pads. That's the best.

All right, son. It's all yours.

G2 says the local Korean police

want to interrogate our lady of the carbine.

They're sending somebody to pick her up later this afternoon.

Got it. What about the missing chopper? Still missing.

Battalion Aid confirms the pilot

and Corporal Stoddard took off yesterday afternoon.

They haven't landed or made radio contact since.

Well, I guess we better list 'em M. I. A.

Top of the morning to you, Captain!

Rizzo, I didn't recognize you with your eyes open. Haha.

Oh, my goodness!

I don't believe that I brung this with me into the shower.

What's that, your pillow? Nope. My hand grenade.

Hand grenade? Yeah.

Got it from a wounded guy last night.

Thought I'd defuse it, fill it with pebbles,

and make a rattle for little Billy Bubba.

I don't think you ought to play with that thing. Come on, Captain.

These things are made of the finest U. S. steel. Rizzo...

Oh, my goodness! What?

The pin came out! Get the hell out of here!

What the hell is so funny?

That wasn't no real grenade!

That was a fake! A fake?

You dirty

You slimy

But you sure do have "purty" legs.

Rizzo, I'll get you for this.

Oh, come on, Captain. Just a joke.

Oh, come on, Charles. Think. It can be anything.

How about a bottle of cognac? Oh, come off it! A bottle of booze?

Yeah, let people remember we drank to forget. Pierce.

Now, now, Margaret, the lad may be onto something.

I happen to have a bottle of cognac.

It isn't very good, and I certainly won't miss it.

Is it so hard to find something

that stands for the work we do?

We save lives. So take the cognac and throw in a Saint Bernard.

Oh, that does it! All you've done for this project

is make stupid, dumb jokes.

First job I've ever had where I could use my natural talents.

Well, you're out of a job, Mr. Mirth.

And you! I'll be back, and you better come up with something.

Well, well, Pierce, your skills as a saboteur seem to be a bit rusty.

Not only have you not scuttled this Korean garage sale,

you seem to have strengthened her resolve to see it through.

That's true. There! What are you doing?

Going into business for myself.

Eat. You need your strength.

For what?

Well, it takes strength to eat that stuff.

How I find my parents when I'm chained here like a dog?

I got to find them before they're too far away.

Come in.

Klinger, we just got a call from G2.

They won't be able send anyone to pick up the prisoner for at least six hours.

Six hours! You've got to let me go.

Family be anywhere by then!

You should have thought of that

before you used our boys for target practice.

I not shoot anybody!

I suppose the gun was to kill mosquitoes.

I find gun in field while plowing!

I tell soldiers that already.

Plowing?

Did you say plowing in a field?

Yes. It is my job to plow parents' farm.

Yesterday, when bombs come, I run.

Not see father and mother since.

Oh, my Lord. I think I saw them.

Where? Here. Yesterday.

There was a refugee couple who was worried about their daughter.

Did they say my name? SoonLee?

No, but they mentioned that their daughter was working in the field.

Ai! That must be them. Where they now?

At a refugee camp outside of Monsanni.