The Great North

-Hello? -Beef cheeks, it's Carissa.

Me and Dorothy and Marie are going to Gals Guzzle Free Night

at the Daiquiri Cave in Kenai. You wanna come?

Gonna be a lotta sturdy broads there!

Oh, I wish but... my... nets are tangled,

and my traps are on fire. Uh-oh!

Uh, so gotta take a rain check.

Beef, I love ya, but you're a terrible liar.

You should be meetin' some bishes instead

of catchin' fishes, but your loss.

Smell you later.

Time to unwind after a full day of fishing

with a little more fishing.

Oh, no.

Ah!

I'll just swim back. Oh, God, the current.

Oh, my leg is so stuck.

Okay, think, Beef.

Your leg is stuck in the net.

You gotta get untangled.

But pulling is seeming to tighten the ropes.

Cold water. Hypothermia.

-Probably have 15 minutes at best. -Beef.

-What? -Relax.

It's all okay.

God? Is that you?

Sorry I said I thought you were imaginary.

It's not God, Beef.

It's me! Your penis.

Oh, man, hypothermia must be setting in.

Wait, why do you have a southern accent?

'Cause I'm from down south.

On your body. I mean...

I was, when I was alive.

But now I'm dead.

And I'm in heaven. Me. Your beautiful body handle.

Deceased. Because you haven't used me in years.

What? That's not true. What about last month?

The latest issue of Fisherwoman's Quarterly.

That was a few minutes of fun.

I'm not talking about catchin' your own cod,

I'm talking about sex.

Sex is kinda my thing.

Well, I never have the opportunity to meet anyone.

"I never have the opportunity..."

You pass up opportunities all the time.

You just passed up an opportunity to go to

Gals Guzzle Free Night with Carissa.

I have ears, you know.

-You do? -Kinda.

Anyway, saying no to going to a literal Ladies Night

was the last straw for me.

It killed me. Just come join me in Heaven.

But I don't want to die.

Well, then, maybe I could help you.

-Please! -If you could also help me.

-I'll do anything. -Promise me you'll actually start living,

get me in the game?

Because I'm not asking for a lot!

I'd take a-a one-night stand.

Or, I don't know, let's say you meet a lady

at the bus station.

Y'all go to the bathroom together.

She gets you up on the changing table.

Her teeth fall out, but who cares?

Maybe that's part of it.

Wait, what am I saying? Please, help me get untangled!

Okay, the net is tangled around your left foot.

It's in a kind of a cinch knot, so slide it up your leg

to loosen it, then wiggle your foot out.

Holy hell.

I'm alive. I'm alive!

Sorry... I'm... late.

Uh, Beef, you okay there?

You look like the bear from The Revenant.

Uh, Dad? What happened to you?

Okay, I know this might sound bonkers,

but I had a near-death experience,

and I... saw something.

The cherubic faces of your beloved children?

No, I saw my...

...my penis in the sky, and it spoke unto me.

So you passed out, had a dream?

This was no dream, it was an epiphany.

My, uh, genital member was angry

about me not having...

-A falcon? -Sex.

And that's my cue. Glad you're okay, Dad.

I'll be on the porch not talking about this.

I'm also suppressing a scream of terror

at the prospect of discussing Dad's boudoir journey,

but I like to be perceived as sex-positive,

and I want Dad to be happy, so I'm just gonna stay here

but just nod and say "Mmm... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."

I, on the other hand, am ready to dig in.

Father, are you saying that your downstairs dad

wants you to get a girlfriend?

He's not looking for commitment.

He's after a one-night stand.

Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm.

Maybe me and Honeybee can find you a date,

and then we can all go out together!

Ah, it's always been a dream of mine

to do some double-teaming with my dad.

I hope to God that's not what you meant to say.

Thank you for the offer, son.

But I've gleaned from TV

that if all I'm looking for is a "hooking up,"

I should just get on the... uh, applications.

Oh, yeah, if you're just after a little straddle-and-skedaddle,

then dating apps are just the ticket.

All right, once we finish dinner,

I will expose myself to the Internet.

Hey, Moon. Did you have to fart during dinner

so you came outside?

It happens to me all the time.

Just last week I had to run out of Steak 'n Shake.

Actually, the indoor conversation

got a little too grown-up for my liking.

What are you up to, Jerry?

Oh, I was just stopping by to grab

my spare Bigfoot head.

I left it over here last week.

Classy.

-May I? -Yeah.

Whoa, baby Bigfoot. Ooh, this is giving me an idea.

My gigs have slowed down a little lately,

and I could use a new gimmick.

You want to play Bigfoot's baby brother

at the birthday gig I'm headed to?

-For real? -Heck yeah, it'll be fun.

Plus, I always wanted a real-life baby brother,

but it never happened.

-So what do you say? -I'm in.

And we can split the tip.

Free money? Okay, you're already my new best big brother.

Let me go inform my family about my new life.

Okay, I uploaded the only picture we have of Dad smiling.

Remember? We took it after

you saw that monkey wearing human clothes.

It's not what they're supposed to wear.

-So, I guess I just click this button... -

-Oh, hey, you matched. -Wonderful.

What do I do? Send her a letter in the mail?

You meet her tonight at the Russian Restaurant.

And... send. If things go well, you'll be getting

-an extra side of Russian un-dressing. -I hope so.

Life is precious, and I cannot squander this second chance.

I must do what my trouser captain demands.

Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm...

Hello, uh...

-Tracy? -Hi.

Hi. I'm Sex Tobin.

I'm here for Beef. I mean sex.

I mean I'm here for a date.

Sex. Beef.

-Sex me. -I'm gonna go.

Oof. Rough start, but that's okay.

We gotta get you back on that horse.

That sex horse. Yee-haw, Dad!

-Mm-hmm. -

Ooh. Here we go.

I wonder if I've ever eaten a fish that you caught.

That sure is fun to think about.

It is.

I hope you're enjoying your drink.

-Oh, I am. -You're welcome.

-I don't follow. -I invented cups.

You invented cups?

-Oh, yes. -Is this a joke?

Also, I know you're... Hillary Clinton. Mm.

I can't wait to wriggle that skin suit off you

-back at my place. -To be expected.

You're gonna meet some people who are bonkers in the wonkers.

Right. Back on the sex horse I sit again.

Maybe I'll get earplugs,

or perhaps the Lord will take me.

Oh, here we go.

This lady looks nice and normal.

Uh, Nina?

Hello, Daddy!

-My diaper was full. -Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Um, Barbie?

Uh-oh, I dwopped my pacifier, Daddy.

Guys, I've been out every night this week. I'm exhausted.

And a new issue of Fisherwoman's Quarterly arrived today,

so maybe I'll stay in and just read.

Beef, that last app sucked, but

I found one called Lumber Love that seems more your speed.

You're meeting a gal called Dee tonight.

She says she's gonna be wearing head-to-toe plaid.