Night Court

-So the restaurant is fully booked?

Oh! Say you're Steve Martin!

What if I said...

...I'm Steve Martin?

Hello?

It's impossible to get a weekend dinner reservation in this city.

I can't keep asking my dates to come with a full stomach.

It -- It's creepy as hell.

-I finally got into that NYU study for extreme sleepwalking.

All it took was security footage of me

in pajamas driving that city bus.

-So what about you, Judge? Any fun weekend plans?

-You know she doesn't. She's just gonna lie

and give us the plot to a '90s movie.

So you knew I wasn't coaching

a Jamaican bobsled team last weekend?

Alright, look. Jake's out of town,

so my life's been kind of boring lately,

but next weekend, I am driving across country

in my blue convertible

with my best friend Thelma and...

Whatever! Just call court!

-The People vs. Jane Doe.

-A living Jane Doe. How refreshing.

-When the defendant was arrested,

she refused to give her name

and threw her wallet into the water of a hot-dog cart.

-Please take off your hat and glasses.

I only allow anonymity in my courtroom during Secret Santa.

You're Mayim Bialik!

TV's Blossom is in our courtroom!

-Can we not make a big deal out of it?

I put my pants on one leg at a time

just like any other five-time

Emmy-nominated actress with a PhD.

-You don't understand. When I was a kid,

I would pretend that I was best friends with Blossom.

I could do your entire dance from the opening credits.

Is this like that "Blossom" episode

where a stolen item turned up at a garage sale

that you and Six were hosting?

I physically assaulted a guy.

-Dr. Bialik was dining in a vegan restaurant

when she attacked the chef with a tofurken,

which is like a turducken, but for no one.

-Your Honor, the restaurant claims to be vegan,

so can you imagine my client's outrage

when she discovered the secret menu item,

which was a bacon sandwich where the bread is steaks?

-Okay. I-I think I've heard enough.

Um, not guilty.

And I fine the restaurant $10 million.

It's a vegan restaurant!

They don't have that kind of money.

-You're right. I can't be fair.

But good luck finding a judge who isn't a huge "Blossom" fan!

-I can't believe I totally embarrassed myself

in front of Mayim Bialik.

Younger me is so pissed right now,

she's going through another goth phase.

-Who cares what an actor thinks?

Though I guess if we had paid more attention

to John Wilkes Booth,

things might have shaken out differently.

Oh. She's still here.

You think I should talk to her and try to redeem myself?

Oh, Abby, yeah.

I -- And I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

I don't care.

-I just don't want to sound like some stalker.

You can't pull off stalker.

I could totally buy you as lonely Victorian ghost.

-Okay. I'm gonna introduce myself.

Gonna play it supes cool.

-50 bucks says she passes out before they make eye contact.

I don't bet on friends.

Told you I could take the moral high ground.

Pay up, Sandy.

Hi, Abby. My name is Mayim.

I mean, your name is Abby.

I mean, I'm Ab-im. No. No one's Ab-im. Apologies.

-I'm sorry. A-Are you okay? Do you need help?

I'm a doctor, but not that kind.

-I was just trying to say hello,

but I'll stop bothering you now. -You know what? Please don't.

Everyone assumes when you're famous,

you've got tons going on.

but honestly my life's pretty boring.

I've stretched out my skincare routine to 17 steps.

Mine's at 18!

You know, sometimes I play a game

where I take a melatonin and see

how many I can get through before I pass out.

-I play the same game! -Ohh!

Okay. I'm just gonna shoot my shot.

Is there any chance you'd want --

-Do the "Blossom" opening credits dance with you?

Do you have any idea how many people ask me to do that?

Zero. I'd love to.

Amazing!

Um, Siri, play my wedding processional.

-Huh. So dancing can be nonsexual.

-I can't believe I danced with Blossom!

-You know, I've actually done a lot of things besides "Blossom."

"Call Me Kat." "The Big Bang Theory."

Huh. You were in that?

I only remember the girl with the high voice.

She was great.

Well, that's it!

Society is officially crumbling!

Time to fill your bathtubs with water

and melt all your fillings.

-Did someone see a dog in a sweater?

Oh! No! Worse than that.

I'm running for the elevator because the doors are closing.

I yell at the dude inside, "Hold it!"

He does nothing. What happened to civility?

You know, what happened to the days

of three-martini lunches

and - and gentlemen with big ideas like...war?

-You're not wrong. Ever try to get

the new Travis Scott Nikes?

Hm?

Forgot who I was talking to.

But that's the world. What can you do?

-Oh, no. I'm gonna do something, you know.

Because as those doors were closing, I reached in

to try and stop them, grabbed this.

When I find the owner of this pocket square,

there will be...a reckoning.

This gets a reckoning,

but when someone pants'ed me in court, nothing?

-Guess who just had the most fun weekend of their life.

-It wasn't me. I couldn't get a dinner reservation,

so I put a chef's hat on my mom

and pretended her apartment was a pop-up.

But then word got out and I couldn't get

a reservation there, either.

-It was me. I had the fun weekend.

-Oh. Did you finally start

that "Little House on the Prairie" OnlyFans?

-Mayim and I hung out, and we had the best time.

We went shopping. We prank-called Joey Lawrence.

She snuck me into a Mensa meeting.

I got to wear glasses.

-We have different ideas of what makes a fun weekend.

-So you and your new celebrity friend

spent the whole weekend together?

Yeah, and some of this morning.

She was at my apartment when I woke up.

-Ah. -She came by with a gift.

Oh.

It's a picture of you -- fast asleep.

Taken without your knowledge.

Oh, this doesn't raise any red flags, does it?

-She brought me a gift and wants to be around me?

No. It's flattering.

I mean, if she's obsessed with me at all,

it's in a totally normal and healthy way.

Hey! Just a reminder!

Even in the dark, we can hear your zippers!

Abby?! Are you okay?!

This feels healthy.

-Mayim. What are you doing here?

-Well, I was just in the neighborhood,

and it's a good thing I was 'cause it looks like

my best friend needs a lantern!

And on the bright side, now you can't work,

so there's nothing to keep us apart.

Great. It's like a snow day.

Except everyone is scared.

Hey. Where's your hat?

You wanted to talk?

Is this about my not wearing a bra to work?

Because I have a doctor's note saying that I don't need one.

-I actually just wanted to circle back

on the stuff you were saying about Mayim.

-Oh, you mean the fact that she's a textbook stalker?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Yeah, she's a little clingy,

and I'm pretty sure she chewed through a power line

and blamed it on a family of rats,

but "stalker" makes her sound crazy.

-The question is, what type of stalker? Hmm.

Does she want you all to herself,

like in "Fatal Attraction"?

Is it a "Single White Female" where she wants to be you?

Or is it the Julianne Special

where she just wants your whole life destroyed

while looking fabulous doing it?

-I think we just need to have a conversation about boundaries.

I mean, how is she supposed to know

I don't want her digging through my trash?

She's not a mind-reader.

Let me talk to Mayim.

Now, I have a little free time

since the oligarch I'm dating was poisoned -- again.

But, you know, the good news is,

if she is a stalker, you really don't have to worry

until she infiltrates your social circle.