Everybody Hates Chris

1982.

That was the year I turned 13.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me

was being a teenager.

I was gonna have women, money, stay out late.

I thought it was gonna be the bomb.

'sup?

Chris! Chris! Chris!

Boy, was I wrong!

Chris!

Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat!

Disgusting!

When I was 13, my mother convinced my father to move us out of the Project crib.

She always said Project is just another word for experiment.

In a lab, the government gives rats cheese.

In the Projetcs, the governement gives people cheese.

Dad, can we stop at McDonald's?

You guys have MacDonald's money?

Julius, the kids have to eat.

They ain't got to eat MacDonald's.

We got some beloni in the back. I'll pull over.

My father Julius always kept beloni handy just in case.

We get one combo meal.

Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries, Chris you can have the drink.

One time I just got ice.

We moved to an apartment in Bedstyle, Brookyn.

Now had we known that Bedstyle would be the center of a crack epidemic,

I guess we'd have picked some place else.

Bedstyle even had its own motto:

"Bedstyle, do or die"

Look at that! Look at that!

Those were some of the guys that were gonna die.

If I ever catch any of y'all spray painting on anybody's wall,

I'm gonna put my foot so far up your behind, you'll have toes for teeth.

Get inside.

That's my mother Rochelle.

She had a hundred recipes for whooping ass.

Boy, I will slap the caps off your knees.

I will knock you into last night.

I will slap your name out the phonebook and call my Bell and tell I didn't.

That's my younger brother Drew.

There's nothing worse than having a little brother that's bigger than you.

My sister Tonya was the youngest and would do anything to get me in trouble.

Chris, clean that mess up.

- Tonya did it. - Huh-uh!

Did I ask you that?

Since I was the oldest, I had to be the emergency adult.

If you smell smoke,

and you think the house is gonna catch fire,

get your brother and your sister and get out of here.

If you smell gaz and you think the house is gonna blow up,

get your brother and your sister and get out of here.

If you smell smoke,

and your brother catches on fire,

get your sister and get out of here.

Fortunately, the house never caught fire...

and neither did my brother.

Mom, why is it that Drew and Tonya get to go to school in our own neighborhood

but I have to go all way out to Brooklyn Beach?

Brooklyn Beach was a poor italian neighborhood on the other side of town.

It was just like Bedstyle,

take away the gangs, add the mob.

Because the junior high school around here is like a

hoodlum factory.

And those white kids, they get an education.

Not a Harvard type education,

just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store type education.

Hey, dad.

Hey, baby.

What's up, dad?

Hey, daddy.

Hey, baby.

Tonya was my father's favorite.

What's wrong with your oatmeal?

Chris made it too lumpy.

And she knew it.

You don't have to eat it

I know you're not gonna threw that away.

Eat that.

That's 30 cent worth of oatmeal.

My father always knew what everything costs.

That's a dollar 9 cent in the trash.

That's 2 dollars on fire.

That's 49 cent of spilled milk dripping all over my table.

Somebody's gonna drink this milk.

Baby did you see this?

I've paid this.

- It says you paid half. - I know.

I gave you all the money how come you only paid half the bill.

I cannot even believe that you'd ask me that.

Just asking you a question. I'm trying to find out what's going on around here.

No, you're not. You're questioning my judgement.

You act like there's not a big red bill sitting on the table.

Okay, fine.

You do it then.

- I will. - Okay.

- I am. - Good.

- Fine. - Fine.

My parents taught me love is never having to say "kiss my ass".

Where the stamps at?

I was never cool growing up.

The coolest thing about me was this pair of white sneakers I had.

No, no, no, no.

Boy, you're not going to school in no sneakers.

Believe it or not, there was a time where you couldn't wear sneakers everywhere.

Why? Everybody else wears sneakers.

Because you look raggity.

Plus, you have an assembly today.

Boy, you're gonna lost your mind.

My mother hated raggity.

She always said it's better to be poor and neat than rich and raggity.

I think she said that because we were poor.

Here.

Wear Drew's good shoes.

I hate these shoes.

And everybody will make fun of me at school.

You've only been going there for a week.

You don't know everybody.

I was the only black kid at the school.

They know me.

This is so embarassing.

How come he's wearing my shoes?

Because you only have one pair of feet.

but, Chris, don't fool around after school.

I need you to be here to let Drew and Tonya in, okay?

You won't be here?

No, I gotta work today.

But you know the drill.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Daddy's gonna be asleep and don't wake him up 'til 5 o'clock.

That's right.

Chris!

You got your bus pass?

Yeah, um...

- Somewhere around here... - Hmm-hm.

You keep on. You lose this bus pass and your behind is gonna be walking to school.

Oh.

Here's 2 dollars for lunch.

All right, now be good.

- Bye, mom. - Bye, mommy.

Bye, baby.

Hold your sister's hand.

Now go in the street.

Keisha was the girl next door.

At 13, I didn't know a lot about sex.

But I knew she had something to do with it.

Hey, Drew!

Drew?

What's up, Keisha?

You know her?

Yeah.

Drew was so cool he got girls at 10 that I couldn't get until I was 30.

Listen, when y'all get to the house,

don't ring the bell or knock on the door.

Just wait, okay?

Whatever.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

Go to school.

That bathroom is so nasty.

Listen...

You wake up daddy, he's gonna punch me square in the face,

and if he does that, I'm gonna punch you in the face

and then he's gonna kill me and wound up in jail.

Now do you want daddy to go to jail?

No.

No?

Alright then.

Even when my mother got mad, she still made my dad's dinner.

...on my mind.

Vegetables, patatoes and its favorite:

a big piece of chicken.

I had to take two buses to school everyday.

Was the junior high school across the street really that bad?

Like rock 'n roll, school shootings were also invented by blacks

and stolen by the white man.

My first bus was the 26.

I read the newspaper every single day.

I learnt more in the way to school than I learnt at school.

My next bus was the 44.

I was the only black person on the bus.

And nobody was sitting next to me.

I mean nobody.

If you think she's mad now, wait 'til her daughter brings home O.J.

My mother thought going to a white school meant I would get a better education

and I would be safe.

Wrong!

That's Joey Caruso.

A little thug with a big chip on his shoulder.

You know I manage to avoid him before I wore these shoes.

Nice shoes, Bojangles.

Bojangles?

That's not what your mother told me when I was tap dancing with her draws last night.

I know you think I'm crazy.

But if I let him get away with that, he'd be doing it all year.

Now I couldn't beat him,

but I thought maybe I could outblack him.

- What? - Did I stutter?

You know who I am?

You step on my shoe again and I'm gonna tell you who I am.

I don't play that.