The Convent

No! No! No!

See you later. Good night, guys.

Breek, breek, breek!

Jesus, Mo! What the hell are you doing?

Ah, the ol' chicken mask trick.

Gets 'em every time.

You scared me half to death. What is wrong with you?

Well, it's good to see you too. Doin' a little redecorating?

- -

My friends are here. I'm— I'm in a raging hurry, okay?

All right, won't wanna keep your little sorority sisters waiting.

- I'll catch you in psych tomorrow, okay? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

This is, like, an emergency. I really need you.

Oh, my God. Who is that?

Yo, that's that weird goth chick! I heard she's a dyke.

Hey, a little lesbo action, dude.

- l could get into that. - Yeah!

What the hell is she doing?

We've been waiting for her ass for, like, five minutes.

Come on, Riss! The nuns await!

- All I need is a ride. - A ride? A ride where?

The convent. That's where you're going, isn't it?

Heard you guys are trying to paint your little letters

before the Kappas beat you to it.

Yeah, and?

I need you to give me a ride there.

I just can't take you, Mo. They won't understand.

Whatever, Clorissa! You're always gonna be struggling to fit in.

They're never gonna accept you for who you are.

They're my friends. They like me for who I am.

Seeing as how they like you so much,

I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I told them about your tattoos,

- the nose ring you used to wear... - You wouldn't.

- the one- night stand with Joey Ramone— - They won't believe you.

By the way, I was digging through my closet, and I came across...

this picture of you and I at the Misfits show!

I'm sure they'd love to see this. It's a classic.

Oh, did you— did you— Oop!

Look, I'm sorry we don't hang out anymore,

but do you think you can just blackmail me into being your friend again, Mo?

Get over yourself, Clorissa!

- l need a ride, and that's it. - And?

And I wanna see if the place is really haunted.

Oh. I thought you gave that up with, like, Menudo .

What, your new friends don't like Menudo ?

- - Would you get it in gear, Riss?

I'm, like, getting wrinkles waiting here for you.

'Ey! 'Ey, bring the lesbo along!

Ooh, "lesbo." That's me. This is great!

- - Okay, why?

'Cause Frijole hasn't gotten any since he got booted from the house.

Yeah, after breaking the record for longest pledgehood in history.

Okay, why— why would you even try to

scam on a dyke? You know you can't have her.

I'll turn her around, man. Just give me five minutes. Watch.

Right, dude. You can't even turn a screw.

Dude, screw you. I'll show you wannabes what it's like to be the mack of UCC.

- Puh- lease. - Watch and learn, girl.

All I need is five minutes alone with her.

Fine, you wanna go that bad, jump in. But I swear to God, if you say anything—

Don't worry, Riss. Your secrets are safe with me.

Guys, this is Mo.

What's that short for? Morticia?

- Are you a bulimic bitch? - Excuse me?

So Kaitlin, how was cheerleading practice?

Oh, it was fine. They had us do this same routine, like, 99 times.

'Ey. 'Ey, it's that freaky old bitch's pad, man.

Who?

The town legend. The crazy chick who lives in that house.

Ew. Somebody lives in that house?

Guess anything's better than the loony bin.

What do you mean?

That's Christine's house. She made 'em shut down the convent.

Actually, she shut it down.

She went crazy and blew away the nuns.

Made our town famous.

Has anyone ever seen her?

No, she shoots at anyone who steps on her property.

For real?

Yeah, man. She shoots at people all the time.

I bet you I can fuck her.

Would you stop being such an asshole? Let's just get there already.

I just wanna check and see if the freak wants to come with us.

'Ey, baby!

'Ey, we're gonna go visit your friends tonight. Wanna come?

- Stop it, Frijole. - Girl, just relax.

- Come on, baby, we got room for one more! -

- Let's split. - Dude, quit being such a buzzkill, man.

- Ain't no one living there. - Know what? I don't care.

I'm just getting, like, really bad juju from this place, okay?

All right, baby, this is your last chance!

Oh, shit.

- - Oh, shit!

- -

I'm not overreacting. My idea of a good Friday night

isn't getting hacked to death by some crazy lady.

Yes. Just chill out. Whoa.

Don't need to freak.

Riss, you are such a spaz case.

- Yeah! -

- -

Holy shit.

All right, kids. We got some paintin' to do!

Mm- hmm.

Yo, this place is all Amityville and shit.

Like... "Redrum! Redrum!"

Wrong movie, nimrod.

Yeah, hey. Hey, I got a good one for you. All right.

- What kind of pussy does a priest get? - "Nun."

"Nun." Get it? None...

Yeah. Same kind you get, huh, Frijole?

You're right, dude. She wants you bad.

Yeah, laugh it up, homie. Just watch.

I'ma get some tonight fo' sho. You just give me five minutes.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, I finished the guys' laundry early, so they let me come along.

"The guys"? You make it sound like they're your big buddies or something.

They are my buddies. They're gonna let me in the fraternity!

Don't you see they're just using you?

You're a joke to them, sweetie. They're never gonna let you in.

- God, you sound just like Mom. - Hey!

Can't you accept that they're my friends too?

"Can't you just accept that they're my friends too?"

- Ha! - Ah!

- Oh, yeah. - Nice. Nice.

Good one, Chad! That one went all the way up my ass.

Good job, pal. Yeah, you just go on ahead. I'll catch up. Be right there.

- Yo, bust it open, pledge. - I'm sorry, Biff? What?

I said bust down the damn door! Now, now, now!

Yeah, 'ey, bust it down, pledge.

Okay. All right.

Bust it down, bust it down! Okay.

Yeah. Okay, but you know... all right.

Um... okay, is there a shovel or something around I can use?

A what? A sho— Move your ass now, bitch!

- - Hey!

Hey, can you please take it easy on him?

Sorry, Riss, but coddling your little brother

ain't gonna make him a Lambda.

Oh, and body- slamming him into a door will?

- - Just one more time, all right?

Fine. Whatever.

- Please. I— -

- Okay. Good job, Brant. -

My ass is stuck!

Get out of it, you fuckin'—

Climb inside.

I think I ruptured my spleen.

Hey. Don't be a pussy, pledge. Climb inside.

Sounds to me like you're all a bunch of pussies. Get out of my way.

Excuse me?

I think you heard me the first time.

Why don't you stick it in your ear?

This must be where it all happened.

Where what happened?

The abortion.

There is no abortion. I mean, that's just urban legend, right?

Bullshit.

It was the scandal that closed this place down.

The last surgery ever performed here.

No!