Life According to Agfa (Chayim Al-Pi Agfa, Ha-)

"Life According to Agfa"

"A year from today..."

I hate these fucking lighters...

They're so small you lose five a day...

For years I've been looking for the lighters...

Those lighters of those fucking Arabs... Zico... Zipo.

Those pieces of shit light up in a second.

Hey you... where do I know you from?

Me? From the Paratroops, no?

I was at your pub yesterday morning.

I'm Shimmy, and we're together ever since.

How much together?

Don't worry. I came outside. It's OK.

Listen, Mimmy... Shimmy...

If you came outside, you should have stayed there.

OK, so thanks... and thanks. -If you want my phone number... - No!

Turn off the TV and we'll go to eat something... -Daliah, it's Eli. I love you... See you tonight.

Do you know how many kids suffocate to death every year from the pizza box? Thousands.

I love you so much! I will kill the pizza that will try to kill you.

So good-bye to everyone, and if you still want my phone you can look me up...

Sure, we'll look you up...

Where do you find all these crazy guys? Only a madman will call himself Zippo.

I find them... at night. In the darkness.

I collect them like dragon-flies.

Daliah and Yarden are not at home. Leave a message after the beep.

Daliah... -Take that Rambo off of you head, put on a jacket, and let's go.

You can't hear or did something break you? -Fuck you. He's gone already.

I can't remember his name. I'm starting to have Alz...

That disease... -Alzheimer's. -That's what I said.

I'm taking Yarden for a pizza. Open the pub at 6. I'll come later.

OK. I need to wake up "our forces". Bye. -Shimmy! What an idiot...

I don't know what's coming in or out of my body.

Benny, they called from your job and asked you will be there at 6.

So wake up, cause I need to go.

I had a really annoying dream that I'm asleep but all the time I know I'm asleep.

As if I didn't fall asleep at all.

Wake me up at quarter to 6.

Eli, I know this is difficult, but you must understand there's no other option.

There's no other treatment. This is a struggle for your life,

and you need to continue the treatments just like we scheduled them.

I want to give you this medicine. Take a sip of it if you feel nauseous.

The day after tomorrow you need to come for the radiotherapy.

I need to hear you say yes. -Yes, yes...

I'm in a hurry. Good day.

Mr. Eli, we got a fax from Warner that "Pretty Woman 4" is yours...

Great, Mr. Torgeman. Thank you very much.

"Lock down in Nazareth, Taybe and Om-El-Fahem" -How are you, Nimmy? -You look brand new.

Hey, guys. You look like you're on leave.

That's right. The commanders of the unit decided to give you a proper meal.... and drinks.

I'm a complete mess... like one of our detainees.

Come on, Nimmy, the doctors say you'll be back on the battlefield in 10 days.

Sir, you're coming with us to eat and drink... and maybe we'll get you a woman. And that's an order.

A woman! Who am I to refuse an order?

Hello, Mahmud. What time is it?

It's around six o'clock.

What happened? -...

There's a lock down in Nazareth, isn't there? -Yes.

Tayba they left alone.

Are you coming back later? -Good bye.

What happened to you? -Nothing. The cross of the church fell on me.

The thorn of the Messiah punctured my head...

You're crazy. They will look after you. -Nah...

What do they need another Arab with a hole in his head for?

Do me a favor: organize the chairs and tables, quickly.

Yes... Yes... Shuman, 5 people, at 10.

What's Mrs. Shuman's first name? OK, We'll get her a dietetic cake with no age.

I forgot... Grapefruit and tomato juice.

And do me favor, come back at 9 with two of each. -I'll come back like Daliah's *cheques.

We'll pay you in cash.

What's this?

Where's the herbs?

Where's the cheese? Didn't they tell you? -I don't know.

Yehezkel told me to take cash. -Come back at 9 or 10, with the herbs and the cheese, and you'll get cash.

We're not open yet.

Hanan, I need a crate of mango for tonight around 9 or 10.

I will pay you in cash.

Mrs. Shuman has a birthday today. They will come at 10. Her name is Bruria, and she's on a diet.

I'm not making any cake. Go to Rafi, and tell him to write something on it...

"From now to 120... from now to 120 calories."

What happened to you, Samir?

Nothing. It was a football match against Afula. We won.

But the judge was Jewish...

I read that Zionism is the angriest movement in history, so be careful...

Yarden! Come, we're going.

Yes? -Can I buy a Barbie doll here? -A Barbie doll? -For our granddaughter.

No... As you can see, this is a pub.

The name of this pub is the nickname the madman use for the Abarbanel mental institute.

Many madmen come here? -Oh yes, a lot...

They want to buy a Barbie doll...

Why did you jump into an empty pool?

It's Moty, from "The City At Night". -It's Moty, the columnist.

Tell him Topaz and Manor will be here at around 11, and Rivka'la only after midnight, and that he should come.

I can't come tonight. I need to go to a birthday and 3 openings of new places.

I need you to take 7 pictures for me of all the celebrities.

Have them ready for tomorrow morning. -Black and white? -Yes.

OK. I'll an Agfa 1200, black and white, no flash.

And if Rivka'la gets nude, use colour. Bye. -OK.

Yes! A visa to America. In two weeks I will be out of this hell-hole.

The money is cheaper there?

I'm going from a small place to a big place.

You're going from 200 grams a day to 50 grams a day.

How are you? -Can I do the washing on the side?

Give him 4 beers, and do the washing as far away as you can. Let's find a taxi.

Yes! A visa to America!

I talked with Micha from New York, and he'll find me a job selling T-shirts.

Daliah said that Sammy can wash up, as usual. -Until then, start working.

Better take a heavy coat to New York, 'cause it's really cold there. I saw it in a movie.

We know what we want: 2 Bacardi-Cola and 2 French fries, please.

Samir, 2 French fries. What happened to you? -I also got a visa...

To come to Tel Aviv.

2 Bacardi-Cola. -What's the matter with Nava? It's already half past 6.

Nava, do you know what time it is? -It's this fucking watch. I'll be right there.

What's your plan? Are you staying or leaving?

Nava... -What?

Did you come?

Sure. In a second. Microbiology... not your micro.

"On the first day when we scheduled a date..."

Dr. Feldman... I didn't know where it was. -Hello, Ricky. I'm sorry about this strange location.

You called me just half an hour ago, and I have problems at home. I'm really sorry.

Let's sit down. Don't worry.

Sit down. Are you ashamed to be in the park?

Who knows. Maybe we'll make a breakthrough and appear in the magazine "Analysis in the Park". Sit down.

What happened?

I want to commit myself.

OK. Come to the department tomorrow, and we'll see. Why?

Two days ago I couldn't take it any more and I went to the Kibbutz.

I got off at the entrance and walked to the parking lot in front of the dining hall.

It was around 7 o'clock. The parking lot was dark, and the entrance to the dining hall was light.

I stood there and looked until I saw Gideon with Shir on his shoulders coming out of the dining hall.

Shir laughed because of something Gideon told him, and they played a game

that Shir put his hands on Gideon's eyes...

and we directed him to the bushes on purpose,

and Gideon pretend he bumped into them...

and made this strange noise... it was funny.

I started crying. I knew that if I came to them he won't recognize me after a year,

and Gideon will be angry that I didn't call in advance.

I wanted to hug them and to kiss Shir, who I once wanted to kill.

Then I ran away and got on the bus...

and I didn't stop crying all the way back.

They disappeared from my eyes...

I wanted to die. I took Antronyl in the room and on the way, because I kept hearing the crying.

Except for one time when I laughed when I opened the window and saw that I was only on the second floor.

And I want to commit myself.

Don't you have any more pills?

I once wanted to publish an article: "Loneliness as a disease".

Not a symptom or a mental illness. A real disease.

I didn't publish it because I don't really know how you feel.

Can you imagine 17 billion neurons going with you to the Kibbutz

and see you husband and your son laughing. And then a bit of current and some chemicals...

cause you to run crying back to your room, wanting to kill yourself.

Try not to be alone until tomorrow morning. -OK.

Take a pill every time you feel like dying.

Ricky, until tomorrow morning at nine don't stay alone. Do you promise? OK, bye.

"We came as black as coal...

"We came beaten, but...

"We had passed Rafih, like you wanted, Tal."

OK, Kirsch, before I look in your ass, where and when were you suppose to pick up the rest of the stuff?

Benny, they will kill me!

Take off his pants.

Are you sure? Tzvi said that... -I don't care about Tzvi. I want Kirsch's ass, and now!

Turn around and bend over.

"We arrived to the enemy... the dead are dead...

"We stepped over the dead..."

Here's 50 grams of Persian coke in a condom.

You have quite a magazine in your ass. Are you going to talk,

or do you want me to get the other one as well?

I scheduled with two people I never met before at midnight at the harbour.

They said they will have an old American car.

Well done.

You can snort up your nose what's left in your ass. It's a present from me.

I'm OK with you. We'll say it's for self usage.

Throw him to the dungeon until tomorrow morning, and pick me up from the Barbi at 11:30.

Just the two of us?

Yeah. Anyway, I will do all the work while you'll sit and the car and hope I'll screw up.

Just the two of us. We'll have radio ***. That's enough.

"On June 5th, the Army broke through..." -Let's go.

Benny is the shittiest guy in the department. -There are shittier guys.

Like who? -The guy that hired him.

Come.

It's very quiet. Is this a library?

Some some silence for the Sivah. -Very funny.

But you are still going every night to the Barbi, and come back at 3 or 4,

after all that vodka and that Daliah. What did she tell you?

Maybe that you cancer is blind and it's going backwards?!

I wanted to ask if you need a waitress or something? -No.

Can I have some juice? -What kind? -It doesn't matter.

I don't have that. -Orange juice, then. No, grapefruit juice.

It's 3 Shekels. -OK.

Here you are.

I'm sorry.

It's OK. Start working.

Do you want a line? -I don't touch the stuff. -So hide me for a moment.

What happened to you? -The soldiers threw stones at me. -Shut up!

Just a second.

This is for table number 8... -You OK? -Yes.

Hey. How are you?

Can you put this in its place?

How are you?

Nava was late. Didn't look me in the eyes. Now everyone is OK.

Some more people reserved places. A couple and that guy.