Forrest Shaw: Poor Decisions

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Forrest Shaw.

All right.

Okay.

Settle down.

That's enough. That's enough.

I feel...

I feel like that might not have been sincere,

but I appreciate it.

For those that aren't here, we're in Florida.

We're literally...

Literally hurricane Matthew is hitting right now.

We're shooting this special...

- Man: All right, cool. - Yeah, yeah.

Everyone else in the country is concerned.

Everyone's that's texting me from around the...

"Are you guys... Is it okay, the hurricane?"

I'm like, "Yeah, and we don't give a shit here."

Right, that's...

This is why people think Florida is just a fucked up state.

It is, but I mean,

it's just a little bit different here.

You know, that's the... It's the thing.

And trust me, I defend Florida wherever I go because I'm from here,

and it's like the punchline of the country.

You know, did you see what happened in Florida?

Another guy ate another guys face.

Yeah, I know it happened again.

I know crazy stuff happens here,

but let's not act like crazy shit doesn't happen

everywhere in the country.

When I first moved to California,

one of the first things I saw

were two people middle of the day having sex

on a sidewalk at a bus stop

while people just stepped over out of the bus to get on 'em.

There was like 25 people with their phones filming it.

Yeah, you know what? The next day I didn't see that online anywhere.

I didn't read it anywhere.

I just have to assume in Florida we have better journalists

than the rest of the country.

We're reporting on stories people want to hear, right?

Economy. Fuck that. We don't wanna hear about that.

We wanna hear about the guy that hid cocaine in his ass.

You know, that's...

I know crazy shit happens here,

but I just have to feel like I have to defend it.

One of my favorite stories is the guy that got busted for child pornography

and then he said, Oh, I didn't do that.

Ah, what happens is when I'm away from home

my cat walks on my keyboard.

And then I came home and there was...

It sounds crazy, I know, but I used to have a parrot

that had and online gambling problem.

So I feel like that bird lost me a lot of money right there.

My favorite from story from Florida though is, uh,

there was a guy that almost got his hand bit off by an alligator

and so then he captured the alligator

and he wrapped it up in duct tape

and threw it in his bathtub and then as revenge,

repeatedly had sex with it.

It was bad, yes, I know. He's in jail so that's okay.

But even worse, even worse

is the alligator had to go back to the swamp and you know,

the other gators were asking questions, right, like,

"Hey man, where have you been? We haven't seen you for awhile."

He's like, "Why? What've you heard?"

It's not true whatever you heard.

I was visiting relatives on the other side of the everglades.

"That's where I was at."

"Oh, 'cause we heard you got deep dicked by a redneck.

That's what blowing through these here raids of sawgrass."

I have a cat. She's really old. She just turned 16.

Um, had to take her to the vet. I spent $800 on her.

So she was about $200 away from dying.

That's pretty really close.

Yeah. That's all I had on my credit card.

I don't want to have that awkward conversation at the vets office.

You know.

Sorry, Mr. Shaw, but your pets life has been declined.

Shit.

Run it again. That's it though.

Man, if you have a pet you know you do that math though.

You're sitting at the vets office

and you figure out how old they are divided by how many times

they took a shit on your pillow.

You know, that's how much money you spend on them.

You know, you just want for a moment for your animal

to realize what the concept of money is, you know,

just come out for a second, chest bump you like,

"Thanks a lot. I appreciate...

I'm gonna eat Ramen noodles for two weeks."

But that's not what my cat did.

I took her home and she pissed on a shirt.

That's how she thanked me.

You know, I don't know a lot of you in here,

but if I spent $800 on you,

you'd at least tag me in a Facebook pose,

you know, a nice emoji text,

thumbs up, kidney kidney, appreciate the...

So she's old, I'm on the road a lot

and I want to travel with her now,

so I just made her into a service cat.

Uh, yeah, she doesn't do anything if you're wondering.

She has no skillset. She has the skillset of a dance mom.

She just yells about shit a lot, you know, like,

"Hurry up, scoop my litter box. Gotta get to jazz tap."

Something like that I imagine.

If you crack a door open a little bit,

she can get her paw in there and then just

wedge her head in there and just, gah, gah, gah,

service cat, get her a vest.

Shouldn't have to do anything 'cause I'm sure you're aware of this.

There's a lot of bullshit service animals

in the world right now.

I don't know if you've been on an airplane recently.

You still can't get a bottle of water through security,

but you can get an untrained German Shepherd

that's gonna take a nervous shit at 35,000 feet

'cause I don't like the bumpies.

That's it.

I'm not talking about guide dogs and I'm not talking about

animals that help you when you're disabled.

There's a whole nother category called "emotional support"

and it was started like, for instance,

returning war veterans with PTSD.

They give them a trained animal that helps them deal with

what they gotta deal with.

But emotional support, it's very broad.

This is what I checked off for my cat.

Stressed-out.

Who the fuck's not stressed out?

Yeah, I'm having a tough week at work.

Uh, don't worry, I'm getting a mulgy.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Mr. Noodles comes in on Monday. No eye contact.

They're biters. Not trained yet.

Straight out of the jungle. Yeah, that's...

Rip your face clean off.

Might throw some shit in your cubicle.

You might wanna wear a hat this week so.

Yeah, I was sitting next to a woman on an airplane

that had an overweight pug missing a leg

that had a vest cable tied around it.

I was pretty sure that wasn't a working animal right there.

That bread has sleep apnea to begin with.

So I don't know how it's gonna help you

with the cutest little CPAP on ever, right.

So I asked her I go, "All right, what's the pug do?"

And she's like, "You got me."

That's what she said, "You got me."

"Not much. I mean, sometimes I get sad"

and then I bring the dog with me,

"and then I'm not sad."

Yeah, yeah, that's why we all have pets.

Uh, nobody has a dog that's crippling their self-esteem.

You know, that's just, you don't go to the pound,

"I want an animal, but I want one that's gonna make me feel fat,"

if you have that back there, like racoon or sugar glider

or something weird, I don't care what it is,

I just want it to sit in the corner and shake its head

"while I eat a doughnut, can you make it do that?"

70 bucks. It's all you need.

You go online, they'll send you a kit, and then you

can start annoying people with your untrained beast.

It doesn't just have to be dogs. Here was the list.

Dogs, cats, birds,

uh, snakes... Snakes were on the list.

I don't know how you're gonna keep a vest on a snake.

That's gonna be tough.

Maybe you cut some eye holes out of a condom,

roll it on there, get a Sharpe write, "Service."

You gotta identify it. That's part of the program.

Otherwise, you just have a boa with a rubber on it.

That's weird.

A service snake is crazy. Right, we can all agree on that.

Like what if you go in a bar and you're afraid of snakes

and they there's just some guy there with a mesh tank top on

with a service snake, you know, just hanging out.

Now you gotta bring in your service falcon.

You know, somebody else has to bring in a service mongoose.

It's not gonna end.

Emotional support. It's very broad.

People need these animals.

So let's let 'em have 'em and then everybody else...

'Cause you can say you need anything for emotional support, right?

For me, two things. Mainly I could say, you know, food.

Obviously, you can take a look at me.

That's a crutch in my life.

I'm alone a lot on the road in hotels.

So, you know, porn. That's another one.

I know you don't wanna hear that.

But those are the facts, right?

Yeah, but food's acceptable in a social setting.

But porn, you know,

I'm gonna have to register my laptop as a service computer.

You know, I can just get a little vest, bring it out to an Olive Garden.

"Sir, that's wildly inappropriate."

"I know, but I have anxiety. So, uh..."

I'm gonna go in this booth for about five minutes.

You might want to cover up your mozzarella sticks with a napkin.