Curb Your Enthusiasm

- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) - (LAUGHS) I love you, America!

And you love me!

From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Tonight, Maria Sofia Estrada.

Well, Maria Sofia, it is a great pleasure

- to have you here. - (CHUCKLES)

If you haven't seen Young Larry, she steals the show.

- I mean, absolutely. - (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That's right. Whoo!

- (LAUGHS) - You're a show stealer.

That's true. Yeah, I am. (GIGGLES)

And, obviously, confidence is not an issue with you.

- (LAUGHS) - So why do you think you got this part?

I was the best, clearly.

So, is there a lot of improv on the show?

Yes, there's a script,

but I make up most of my own lines,

put my own spin on the words, make it better.

stop with that commercial?

- Don't sing that in the house. - I wanna stop. I can't stop!

- Well, stop! - (FRIDGE OPENING)

Where's the oat milk?

Oh, right here.

Oh, Mr. "I'm never gonna stop drinking almond milk."

- Yeah. Oh. Because what did I tell you about almond milk?

- Yeah. No, good. Remember again?

- Yeah, bad. Yeah. What did we say?

in this state for these almonds

and the methophexohexadine, they're killing the bees!

I'm sorry you're unhappy, Larry,

but as her sponsor,

I'm telling you, she simply cannot handle a breakup.

- How long are we talking? - Well, they say no changes

for the first 90 days in the program, but...

...with Irma, I mean, minimum six months.

Six months?

I need you to promise me, Larry. Six months.

Promise me, Larry. And the proliferation of root fungus...

That's it. That's the way to go.

Oh, if you go past the pharmacy on your way to the golf club,

this is for my hammer toe.

I'm not going to the golf club.

- No, but if you do. - No, but I'm not going.

But you will go before I do, so would you get me these?

I don't care if they're black, white, extra-large.

Directions to Great Wolf Lodge.

No, Siri, Wolfsglen Restaurant.

One option I see,

Wood's Garden Supply on Benedict Canyon.

Siri! Wolfsglen Restaurant in Westwood.

One option I see,

The Woolsey Restaurant in Burbank.

No! No, no, you're not listening!

I said Wolfsglen Restaurant in Westwood.

A wolf's den is a habitat that provides wolves

- with protection from... - No, you stupid fucking idiot!

It's Wolfsglen Restaurant in Westwood!

One option I see,

- Jay Wolf Clothing. - No! Ah, you fuck!

Wolfsglen Restaurant!

Sorry, I didn't get that.

Oh, my God, you fucking moron! It's Wolfsglen, you cunt.

Bundt cake is a cake that is baked in a Bundt pan.

Not Bundt! Gah! I said, "You cunt!"

I said, "You cunt!"

Sorry, I didn't get that. - I called you a cunt!

One option I see, Carson City, Nevada.

Oh, shut up!

One option I see, wool glove.

Shut the fuck up!

Sorry, I didn't get that. - Oh, fuck you!

Somebody is paying you to just show up

at a birthday party in Atlanta.

- Yeah. I mean, so stupid. Yeah, rich guy.

They're paying him a ton of money.

- Really? - Ridiculous.

Who is this guy? How does he even know who you are?

He's a wealthy businessman from Africa

who loves Young Larry.

Yeah, Maria Sofia's gonna be there, too.

Oh, well, now it makes sense. She's the draw.

By the way, Leon's going with us 'cause his Auntie Rae

lives in Atlanta.

- Remember her? Yeah? - I remember Auntie Rae.

Send her my regards.

So what are you gonna do, tell some jokes or something?

No, this is good. I'm glad you brought this up.

- I want this in the contract. - Sure!

Okay. I'm not gonna do any speeches.

I'm not gonna do any stand-up. I'm not gonna do any toasts.

I'll mingle, I'll shake hands, and I'll be cordial.

Do you even know how to be cordial?

I think so. Do I?

I would guess you do.

I don't think I can, but I'll try.

Is the... Are we getting any food here?

- This is unbelievable. - I know.

It's been half a fucking hour already.

I got soup and a sandwich.

- Can I give you... - My God.

- Excuse me. - Yeah.

We've been sitting here for a half hour

waiting for our food.

I'm so sorry about that. Your server, Benny,

he's a little distracted.

His mother passed away a couple of days ago.

Few days ago and he comes into work?

- What's he coming in for? - If he's all upset,

then he should be home in mourning.

And you can't complain, obviously.

No, you can't go to the manager. It's a no-win situation.

Yeah, and you know what else? Now he gets a condolence tip.

- Yeah. You got no choice. Yeah.

Hey, let me ask you a question. What's going on here?

- What? - This is a... This is new.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Uh, you decided to just dye your hair?

Wha... Yeah. What? You don't...

you don't know that it's brown and it was gray last week?

- What are you doing that for? - I... I like it.

Oh, yeah, you like it?

- I do. - You sure Lady Macbeth

didn't have anything to do with that?

You wish you had a wife that cared about you.

- You wish you had a wife. - I almost did a...

I almost did a spit take.

Jeff, you made this choice by your own free will.

Is that right? You tell him. Tell him!

Finally! There's our food.

- Oh, Benny. - Yeah.

I heard about your mother.

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, gosh.

Thank you so much for saying that.

- What's he doing? (SIGHS) - This could take forever now.

I mean, you only get one mother. I'm devastated,

to be honest. I don't wanna... Oh, thank you.

He's talking about his mother.

Thank you so much. - Yeah.

This is unbelievable. And there's my soup!

It's sitting there, getting cold.

Hey! I ordered a tuna melt. That's fucked.

But it was the sepsis that ultimately killed her.

I am so fucking hungry.

- I'm starving, too. - Uh, sorry.

It's just a lot to process, you know?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Did you tell Auntie Rae

that you're coming, or are you gonna surprise her?

Oh, no, no. She's not good with surprises.

You can't do that shit to old people, man.

I mean, I almost killed a uncle like that.

- Yeah. - This motherfucker was in the tub taking a fucking bath.

- Right? (LAUGHS) - He's like, "What the fuck?"

That was it. Motherfucker died like this.

Just like... You know what I mean?

Yeah, you can't surprise an old person.

No, you can't do that. Know what I mean?

I know what you mean. Why do you keep asking me if I know what you mean?

It wasn't that difficult. It's not science.

You made a very simple statement.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

- Yeah. - (PHONE RINGING)

Look at this. (CHUCKLES) Fucking you again.

Third or fourth time today.

Jeez! Another butt dial.

- (DIAL TONE RINGING) - Oh, man. I'm sorry.

It puts me in a bad spot.

Puts you in a... Puts me in the worst spot.

Because I called a guy last week.

- Yeah. - I hadn't spoken to him

in 14 years, and so I got to pretend

- that I was calling him. - Right.

And the next thing you know, you're having dinner.

See, me, I carry my phone in my front pocket.

But sometimes, I dick dial people by mistake.

Oh, you make a dick dial?

One time, I ordered a pizza by mistake.

This motherfucker shows up, I said, "The fuck is this?"

"You ordered a pizza earlier." Wow, my fucking dick.

And sometimes, I can hear my dick

dialing a number.

- (LAUGHS) Know what I mean?