Anger Management

So the doc says my blood pressure is too high.

You've got to learn to relax more, Ed.

You should get yourself a massage chair.

Nolan, didn't you have a phone interview for a job yesterday?

Mmm, how did that go?

Would you turn that off?

It's like trying to have a therapy session in a Brookstone.

You know, we should do that sometime.

I postponed it till tomorrow.

Although I may change it to Friday

or Monday... or just cancel it altogether

because I worry that I...

come across as indecisive over the phone.

You know what, guys? Let's try some role-playing.

Lacey, why don't you pretend that you're hiring

and, Nolan, you call her on the phone

for a job interview?

Okay.

Hi, this is Nolan Johnson

and I'm calling about the assistant manager job.

Hold, please.

- Patrick. - Yes, ma'am?

Could you push my lunch?

You've pushed it twice already. Don't make me do it again.

I don't like your attitude. You're fired.

Good. And just so you know,

every time you made me run down the street to get your skinny latte,

I put whole milk in it and stirred it with my finger.

That's right.

Enjoy your saddlebags, bitch.

And that's the story of why I never suggested role-playing again.

They did it again, Ed.

Those people down the hall dumped all our wet laundry

on the floor before I had a chance to put it in the dryer.

I'll have to use yours, Charlie.

Dad, we're in the middle of something here.

Thanks to them, I don't have any underpants on

and I can't tell you how uncomfortable it is.

For everybody. Can we go now?

You guys can. I'm stuck here hanging out with my dad,

who is also hanging out.

I've just about had it with those damn Mexicans.

Are your neighbors Mexican, Ed,

or is this generic racism?

Yes.

No, this has nothing to do with racism, Charlie.

I mean, it could be any family

who plays loud Spanish music

through their open windows all night

after screaming at a televised soccer game all day.

And on top of that,

your dad had to come and pick me up

because they blocked my car in with theirs.

You'd think if there was one thing a Mexican is good at,

it's parking cars.

Guys, have you talked to them and tried to work this out?

Obviously you didn't, Ed, 'cause they'd have taken you

to a public park and beaten you like a cheap piñata.

Look, Charlie, you do this sort

of conflict resolution all the time.

Could you just please come by tonight and talk to these wretched people?

Dad, I don't want to get involved.

If you'll come by and help us out tonight,

we'll share something special with you.

Yeah, we're bottling up our first batch

of homemade moonshine.

You guys are making your own moonshine in your apartment?

Yeah. Doctor said I was drinking too much

and I need a hobby.

Well, looks like somebody has certainly outsmarted somebody.

Hey. Charlie around?

Charlie's not here. Go away. I don't like you.

You know, every single girl starts like that,

but they all end up sleeping with me.

And then they all end up hating you again.

I'm just taking the shortcut.

I'll wait.

Hey, what's another word for multiple male orgasms?

Is this for a crossword?

No, I'm sending a thank-you

So whatcha doing?

I'm about to transcribe the interactions

of couples having intercourse for our study.

Amateur porn, I love it. Are you guys hiring?

No, and if you don't leave, I am calling campus police.

They don't have guns, but they are fat and slow.

What's wrong with you? What, are you afraid

I'm gonna see you getting turned on watching videos?

No, I hate watching these.

I don't get aroused by anything but being alone

in a bedroom with a man that I love.

You know who I feel bad for?

That guy.

That's it. I am calling campus police.

You have exactly one hour to get out of here.

Will you stop it? Hang up the phone.

I'm just being a dick.

Look, I'll watch the videos and make the notes for you.

I am a grown woman. I can do this.

See?

No problem.

Naked man, naked woman.

Naked man bending over. I'm tapping out.

Excuse me.

Before I get on this elevator,

that's not a warning saying that this thing isn't safe, is it?

Oh, no. But I'd take the stairs.

The safety certificate in there

is a kids' menu from Denny's.

Thank you. I'm Charlie, by the way.

Oh, hi. Livi.

Pleased to meet you, Livi. I'll take one of those.

I'd love to attend your yard sale or help you find your lost dog

or even be your roommate.

You don't live here, do you?

No, unless the roommate thing pans out.

I'm trying to get a petition together

to get these guys kicked out.

"Evict the dicks in 206."

It's catchy.

Thanks.

My family lives down the hall from them.

The bald one calls my gay cousins

the "refried queens."

These guys sound like monsters.

You have beautiful eyes.

Oh, thank you.

I'd ask you to help me out with the rest of these flyers,

but I guess you're here to see somebody.

Not anymore.

You know a great place to hang up some of these flyers?

That little Italian place on the corner.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I bet they get a lot of traffic from this building.

Absolutely.

And if we wind up having dinner,

splitting a bottle of wine, getting drunk, and going back to my place,

that's the risk we must take to evict these gringos.

Anger Management 2x52 - Charlie and the Hot Latina - Original air date March 13, 2014

Hey, thanks again for helping me put up the flyers.

Hey, it's for a good cause.

Look, I have a confession.

I knew that I didn't have six more rolls

of Scotch Tape at my house.

I've got a confession, too.

I had a ton of extra Scotch Tape in my car.

Listen, you know how hard it is to get someone evicted?

I mean, can't you just ignore these two old misfits?

Oh, please. You don't know what they're like.

I can kind of picture it.

They make so much noise.

Like yelling and screaming.

The one with the hair is always going off

about having some ungrateful son

who spends all his time chasing women.

Sounds like the ramblings of a madman.

And the bald one, he is so angry and racist.

I guess he's seeing a therapist,

but that guy must suck.

Please. I'll bet his therapist is great.

You know, sometimes it's the patient who...

can't we just pity them and act like they're dead?

I can't. In my country, my family owns a large house.

The taxes were too high, so it was our dream

to come to America and have a place that we could rent.

You know, a small place that we would not call our own.

Wow.

If it was up to me, I would open the border

to all of you beautiful and confusing people.

I'm having an anger problem I'd like to discuss, Charlie.

Well, shoot, Wayne.

Well, as you know, I'm my cell block's distributor

of fine handcrafted prison wines

and spirits since 2004.

Of course. In fact, I'm still saving a bottle

of your '07 toilet tank chardonnay for a special occasion.

Well, as it turns out, someone from the Latin Lords

is making a competing wine that some people are reviewing

as lighter, crisper,

and less toilety.

The Latin Lords are making wine now?

Huh. I guess they gave up on their jockstrap tequila.

That's too bad, 'cause I heard really good things.

Yeah, especially because the Aryans

made a truce with the Latin Lords

by giving them my wine as a gift.

But now that they can make their own,

our fragile peace is in jeopardy.

Wait a minute. So exchanging gifts stopped a race war?

Yeah, we gave 'em our toilet wine

and they gave us baklava made of Cheetos and tobacco.

- Opa. - Opa.

That's exactly what I should do.

What are you talking about, Charlie?

Well, I've been dating this woman whose family hates my father.

So I'm thinking if I can get them together to exchange peace offerings,

she won't hate me when she finds out that I'm his son.

Ooh, it's just like when I played Maria

in our prison production of "West Side Story."

I also played Officer Krupke