Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol

Take it, brother.

Let me break you.

Man, that was funky. Heh.

Hmm?

Whoa! Ah.

- Fore! - Well, heh, I guess the meeting's started.

- Howdy, sir? - Mahoney, heh! Jones, heh!

Thank you, Sweetchuck.

I've had the most wonderful news about my new program, heh.

- What new program is that, sir? - My citizens on patrol.

I call it C.O.P. for short.

Has a nice "police-y" ring to it, don't you think?

What is C.O.P., sir?

What is the most frustrating thing about police work?

- Not being able to carry hand grenades. - Separate locker rooms, sir.

Icky blue uniforms.

I always thought that the most frustrating thing was that...

...we couldn't be everywhere at once to solve every crime.

So the public ends up thinking of us as enemies.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all be friends?

Ah, officer Mahoney, please come in.

Have some lemonade. I love lemonade.

- Not too tart, not-- - Too sweet, just, mm, mm, good.

So C.O.P. is a community action program, sir.

- Like Neighborhood Watch? - More. Much more!

We show the community that we care.

We train volunteers in crime detection, in first-aid and...

- And it's a great idea, sir. - But we need citizen support.

With all this neighborhood crime, I'm sure you'll get it.

Fore! - Right. What if we were to...

- What was that? - Unh...

I believe brother Sweetchuck is suggesting...

...we recruit in our old neighborhood.

Excellent. We have the full support of the mayor...

...and best of all, the governor of the state wants me to unveil the program...

...at the end of the International Police Seminar...

...next month in England.

While I attend the seminar...

...you, my good friends...

...will put C.O.P. into action.

We'll change community relations all around the world.

The Lassard Method.

It rolls nicely off the tongue, don't you think?

Hi! What did I miss?

Hi.

Mama's little baby loves shortnin' bread

Uh, Capt. Harris, Police Commissioner Hurst is here.

You want to see him?

No. Send him packing.

Yes, sir.

- Proctor! - Yes, sir?

Send the Commissioner in immediately.

- I thought you said to send him packing. - Immediately!

Yes, sir.

Nincompoop.

Commissioner.

- You have a problem, Capt. Harris? - Uh, yes, sir.

Commissioner, I am extremely concerned with this memorandum from Lassard...

...about his C.O.P. program.

Citizens doing police work? An asinine idea.

If this goes through, no policeman's job, no policeman's paycheck, will be safe.

Are you through, captain?

The governor of this state thinks that this program is absolutely brilliant.

So until he changes his mind, that's what you and I think too.

Agreed?

- Yes, sir. - Good.

You were right. You should have sent him packing.

I don't give a damn what the governor or the mayor thinks.

Lassard's program is a mistake...

...and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong.

Pure and simple.

Don't touch those!

Don't you ever touch my balls without asking!

You're gonna have to leave. I'll call the police. I mean it.

Okay, I'm going. I'm out of here.

Wait a minute. I am the police.

- No, you're not. - That's me. I'm here to speak about C.O.P.

I'm sorry. I didn't... Without the uniform on--

Regular human clothes make people more comfortable.

Hi, ladies. Let's do some poetry!

I got to go to my in-laws' for dinner tonight.

You want to come?

Officer Hightower, I'm here to join the new C.O.P. Program.

Do I know you?

Yeah, you used to bounce me on your knee.

- I did? - Yeah. Little Tommy Conklin.

- But now they call me House. - Tommy Conklin. Tommy Conklin.

Sure. Welcome aboard. You can register right over there.

Blind mouth that scare themselves

Know how to hold a sheep hook

Or have learned aught else at least

That to the faithful herdsmans' art belongs

Whoa! Ah, that was exciting.

We have an, uh, Officer Zed, who's here to tell us...

...a little bit about my new police program. So won't you...

Thank you very much.

Oof. I'm sorry. I'm an emotional, sensitive guy...

...and that part about the sheep hook just tore my heart right out. Um...

I have my own poem that I prepared for you today.

Gene, Gene made a machine

And Joe, Joe made it go

I blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart

What is he saying?

I didn't write it.

Ahem, okay, I'd like to talk to you about what we're here for...

...and that's for me to pitch the new C.O.P. program to you.

Perhaps a few of you ladies might be interested in it.

So the bartender asked the organ grinder,

"Hey, does your monkey sing any opera?"

And I said, "Nope.

But if you hit me on the head, I'll sing Yankee Doodle."

Ooh, it's so nice to have my family all back together again.

- Can you pass the lettuce, Pop? - Oh, sure, honey. Here you go.

Thanks, Pop. - You're welcome. Hey, listen...

...did I tell you I'm gonna join that Citizen On Patrol thing?

That would be a great idea. I'd be proud to have you at the precinct.

Ah. - I'll take some more greens, Bud.

- Dad. - Yeah?

I don't think you should sign up. There are already three of us on the force.

-It's going to look like favoritism. - That's not it.

That's not it at all. You just don't think I'm fast enough anymore, do you?

- I don't think that's it, do you, Tack? - Ahem, mm.

It has nothing to do with being fast.

Ah. - Now, that was fast, huh?

Ahem. You know, that was fast.

But that's hard.

Ooh, oh, oh. - Excuse me. Ha-ha.

I think Bud hurt Pop's feelings.

Oh, you two.

Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, well, who wants pie?

Mm.

- I was just trying to help. - You hurt my arm.

- I'll hand the rest out. Hi. - Hi.

Could I interest you in the new citizens program?

- Ah, heh, no, I don't think so. - No, thanks.

- We'll take the stairs. - Thanks, just the same.

Excuse me!

Would you be interested in the new citizens program?

- Ah, yes, in fact, we didn't hear you right. - Sure, here.

- Why don't you hand the rest of them out? - Thank you very much. Goodbye, sir.

- Arnie, where are you going? - Home. I got a boatload of stuff to do.

I got a term paper due tomorrow, and a history test.

I got to help my father clean the cellar, and I have to do the dishes tonight.

- Tsk. - What are you doing?

- I'll get the guys and hang out at the mall. - Let's go.

Hey, Artie, Kyle.

I thought I told you guys, no skateboarding in my district.

This isn't skateboarding, sergeant. This is carrying skateboards.

This is skateboarding.

- We got to check this out, you guys. - Take it easy.

We'll see you later.

I'll see you later. I want to check out these guys.

All right, I'll be back.

Hey, sarge, look at that.

- Hm, Kyle, that skateboard punk. - Let's nail him.

Boy, you sure give them a hard time.

Yeah. Fun, isn't it?

You don't listen, do you, Kyle?

I was shopping for Capt. Harris' birthday present.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Shop somewhere else.

Oh, Your Honor, uh...

Here, judge. Stop him! Hold up!

Excuse me, pardon me. Excuse me, my fault.

- Watch it! Stop! Stop that skateboarder! Hold it!

I can do that, that handstand stuff.

I just hate it when the change falls out of my pocket.

Hey, man, I think these guys want to talk to you.

Hold it!

Capt. Harris will hear about this!

Come.

- Sir. - Copeland, what the hell happened to you?

Some skateboard punks started a riot at the mall.

Bring them in here.

- They got away. - They got away?