National Theatre Live: This House

- Order! Order! Order! - –

- – Order! Order! Order! - –

The Member for Bromsgrove! The Member for Woolwich West!

Bill! Oi, Bill! What's the bother?

He's bloody going, isn't he? Off to see the queen.

– Oh, bollocks! Says who? – Harrison.

Walter? Oh, no.

Some time this afternoon. All we bloody need! A bastard election.

Oh, shit a fucking brick! No!

The Member for Rochester and Chatham.

– Is it true? – You should know, he's your leader, love.

Oh, don't be like that. Terry!

– The Member for Paddington South. – Well?

– Arse! – It's true, then.

Bloody typical! The Labour lot catch wind of it first and we're in ruddy power.

– Shows who your friends are. Christ! – Look, the deputy.

– Jack! – Oh, good afternoon.

Is it true, he's calling it today?

– Look, I understand your concern. – Concern?

But rest assured, both of you, when there's news, if there's news,

it will announced through the usual channels.

The usual channels? Oh, come on!

Walter Harrison's already spreading it around like shit on a field!

How can a Labour whip be announcing it before the Tories?

Hm!

Jack?

Bit of a to-do out there.

– I imagine so, yes. – Chief...

– Just enjoying the calm before the storm. – Right.

The Member for Paddington South!

– Enter.

I don't believe it, chief. Bloody hell!

– I finally get my hands on one of these! – There's a good chap, this really...

I won't be coming back. The seat will go red this time, you just watch.

You just bloody watch! It's anarchy out there.

Blue-arsed flies!

That's why they call it a snap election, Nicholas.

It isn't a 'bend slowly until it gives' election.

It isn't a 'stir gently over a medium heat,

'reduce to simmer and then serve' election.

It's a snap – quick and painless, off like a plaster!

– – Painless? Ha!

Whoever you are, yes, it's true, clear your desk.

A key component in the element of surprise is the element of surprise!

– Come in.

Oh. Damn it! What a rotten bloody system this is!

The whole thing! Christ!

Oh, God. Cruel as it may seem,

this 'rotten system', is one of the few things this country has manufactured

and exported that hasn't been sent back.

Envied the world over for its simplicity.

One person, one vote, sending one Member to represent them in one house.

And the party with more warm bodies than any other governs.

As one.

And this mother of all parliaments,

yes she's showing her age, but like all good mums,

she's showing it with dignity and with grace.

Hang on.

This House serves to remind us

that we are but its temporary trustees, Nicholas, nothing more.

This is mine.

And when Parliament dissolves at 5pm today,

I am no longer the Member for Spelthorne,

nor Jack here the Member for Croydon North East,

nor you the Member for Paddington South.

But Paddington, sadly, will go on without you.

It is a lesson we all must learn.

Hope to see you again, old friend.

The Member for Bromsgrove!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

No, it's Bob actually, but the likeness is uncanny.

Saveloy?

– Chief, what's going on? – Look, I know as much as you do, Terry.

Where the bleeding hell is Walter?

– Wa-hay! – Wa-hay!

We're on our way back! Come on!

– Where's the others? Where's Cocks? – Michael? I dunno.

It's all right for you, innit? You're not defending a tiny majority, are you?

What are you Walter, Wakefield? Eh?

I'd kill for Wakefield, bloody hell.

Couldn't have given me an effing mining town, could they?

Mill town, salt of the earth.

They've only gone and merged me with Redditch. Redditch, for Christ's sake!

– Bugger off! Redditch? It's manufacture. – Oh, bollocks! Honestly, Walter.

Needles! That's all they make.

That's all they bloody well make in Redditch, needles, that's it.

– – What's this, no mushy peas? Travesty!

– Give over, mushy peas. – Chaps...

– Like having a bath with no bubbles. – Do me a lemon, you uncouth northern...

I'm being serious!

– It's over. Why? Cos I stayed loyal. – Do you ever look up at the sky, Terry?

Do you watch the way birds move en masse?

Their ability to survive lies in the fact that they all instinctively turn together.

On our own, we are nowt. Now, that is the job of the whips.

The job is to transmit in a way that is undetectable to the eagles circling above.

The job is to communicate the instruction 'turn'.

'Turn now! Turn all of us, together now and we might make it.

– 'We might just bloody well make it.' – I hate birds!

They shit on you from a great height.

You'll be all right. And if not, there's other elections, other seats.

Oh, what's the point of it all, eh?

Eh?

What's the bloody...

point?

– Don't worry about him. He'll be OK. – Yes.

Although, no, he won't be, will he, but...

– That's life. – That's politics.

– Ah, Walter, the man of the hour. – Jack.

I see you're off to inspect the troops.

My, oh, my, look at this! That's new. What is it, leather?

– It's a bit big, though. – Oh, do you think?

I rather like it. Substantial, plus the lines are not too thick.

Here, look, see? Small and simple.

Ah, yes, old reliable. Well, it's not without its charms.

Easily accessible, I suppose,

but where's the sense of authority, Walter, the weight of information?

Members see a big fat thing like that,

they thing you're compensating for summat.

Ah, well, yes. You believe what you like. I must get on.

So, will I be still be dealing with you, do you think,

after the big heave-ho, the old switcheroo?

I'll go where I'm put, Walter, of course.

And 'switcheroo'? Come off it, you know we're staying in. I mean, of course...

– Staying in? Have you seen the polls? – I have seen the polls, Walter.

– We're in the lead in the polls. – Only just. There's nowt in it.

In dark times, the electorate sticks with the devil it knows.

Eh-up, they're only dark because you can't keep the lights on!

Surely, the most basic test for a government

is they can keep the blinking lights on, Jack.

Yes, well, perhaps after all this, you'll finally get to be the chief whip now...

– Deputy. – Well!

Maybe you will be your side, and all, deputy.

Oh, and, Walter.

How did you find out so quickly? The election?

I don't kiss and tell. You should know that about me by now.

– Walter. – Jack.

About done are we, Mr Cocks? They'll be coming up to turn the light off.

Oh. Yes. No. Of course.

– Ta for letting me, uh... – That's all right.

My predecessor, he left me a note.

'Mr Cocks goes up the clock, no questions asked.'

I thought it were a nursery rhyme at first.

– What's the deal with the light, anyway? – The Ayrton Light, above the clock?

Well, it shines when Parliament is seated, put out when it rises.

Lots of funny rules and traditions here. You'll start to learn.

Londoner all me life, me. I never even knew you could stand behind this thing.

The most famous face in the world.

Never stopped ticking, you know, ever since it first, like...

Even during the war, the blitz, bombs raining down.

Stubbornly, just kept on ticking.

Yeah, well, it's only a couple ticks away from the old, uh... So come on.

This razor's edge election '74.

If money talks in general elections,

Mr Heath, at present, is looking very much like Nijinsky...

..now almost certain that neither Conservative nor Labour

will get enough seats to have the overall...

..seems to have been responsible for the Conservatives' defeat...

..16% swing to Labour. Labour has gained...

..the party believe that it is in a position to form a government,

if necessary a minority government,

and to carry out workable policies...

Oh, Humphrey, me old cocker!

– Oh, don't start, Bob, all right? – Start? Moi?

Let's at least try and conduct this transfer

with a modicum of decorum, shall we?

A modicum of decorum? Blimey what's that? Odds-on favourite for the 2:15?

That's a 'no' then, I take it.

– You can leave that, if you like. – Get your own.

Gift from my wife, anniversary.

Look, I'm sorry Humphrey, genuine commiserations and all that.

Politics is a cruel sport. Second place gets you naff all.

Yes, well, in... Haha!

In your case Bob, first place gets you 'naff all' as well.

Four seats more than us?

Labour may be the largest party, but not a majority in the House.

Yet here we are, swapping offices.

A few small steps across the lobby, but a giant leap for mankind.

Bob, it's a hung parliament.

– You've got no idea, have you? – Oi!

What's your combination for the safe? I need to change it.

– I'll inform the clerk, he can come... – Oh, come on, Humphrey!

– Just give me the bloody combination. – No. Simply not.

– Very grown-up, isn't it? – It's about protocol, Bob, procedure.

Fine. No hard feelings, eh?

Listen, I mean this, because I like you.

Oh, Humphrey, I like you too. Come here!

We're going to get you, so don't get comfortable.

A minority government? No one gives you more than a matter of weeks.

You're going to fall, and fast, and hard.

So, start finding things to land on.

Wa-ay! Home, sweet home, chief.

We're fucked. We're fucked, aren't we?

– – Wa-hay!

– All right, Michael. Here we are, eh? – I know.

Quick, lock the door before they realise.

– –

Bloody hell, Joe. You joining the circus or what?

Laugh all you want, chief, but you have to treat me with a bit of respect now.

I've just played a key role in the Opening of Parliament.

And that's not all. Look at this – me white staff!