Raising Hope

Ugh!

Work gave us these stupid smartphones, and I don't know how to use it.

How can I help you?

I told you, stop calling me. You have the wrong number.

Leave my wife alone.

You'd like to leave your wife? Searching for divorce attorneys in your area.

That's not what I said, home wrecker!

Guys, guys, guys, that's not a person.

It's an automated personal assistant.

When you figure out all the cool stuff that phone does, you're gonna love it.

Yeah, that's what our manager at work said.

And then she hit us with a ton of new corporate policies.

They want us to take pictures of the houses we clean.

Which means they don't trust us.

Which sucks 'cause now we have to really clean the houses.

Well, at least you got a cool new phone out of it.

I hate it. It's too complicated.

I butt-dialed Burt three times on the way to work.

Your butt makes up for in appearance what it lacks in communication skills.

That's pretty impressive. My butt has only two tricks.

One is, uh, disgusting,

and the other is looking amazing in jeans.

Mmm. Now that you have a new phone, you can follow me on WikiVids.

What's WikiVids?

It's a site where I post videos of the eggs I make

and my funny little comments about them.

I kind of interpret what they look like.

I call this one "Yolko Ono."

See how the egg broke up the hash browns?

Oh, look at that. - Now, that is art.

You should open up a museum

where you bring these out to people, and then they get to eat it.

- Isn't that just a restaurant? - Everything's been done!

You know, if you hate your phone so much, we could switch phones.

My flip phone takes lousy pictures, so you don't have to clean that good.

- Yeah, I guess we could do... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He wants something from us. We should get something in return.

You thinking "Pick-a-Pocket, Pick-a-Pocket, We Want Everything in Your Pockets"?

It's a good day for it. Jimmy's wearing cargo pants.

Ooh, can we make him jump?

No, no, no, no, no, you know the rules.

One turn, one pocket, no touching, no whining.

I-I'm gonna go... Right... left...

- Right... left... - Right front!

Oh, damn, we were getting that anyway.

What was in the other pockets?

Keys!

Wallet!

Fruit pie!

Oh, man, we could have had a fruit pie!

Season 4, Episode 4 "Hi-Def"

I want another roll.

Sorry, Maw Maw, I didn't make enough for both of you to have two.

You're gonna have to split it with Hope.

You know, there's a lot of really great stuff in these new corporate policies.

- I mean, a week's paid vacation... - Oh!

401(k)...

401(k)?

No, thanks. I ran a 5K once and almost puked.

Oh, hey, you get health care.

Actually, it says spouses are covered, too.

- You guys could finally go to the doctor. - We're not sick.

You don't have to be sick to go to the doctor.

Why would you go to a doctor if you're not sick?

Like, to say hello?

- Hello, Doctor. - Hello, Burt. How are you?

- Not sick. - Wonderful. Thanks for stopping by.

Fine. Enjoy the carbs, fatso.

Guys, you have to get checkups.

Otherwise little things, they turn into big things.

It only takes one spark to burn down the whole forest.

The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay.

He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.

- Gross. - I assure you, it is not.

Okay, this is LeBron James and the Giant Peach.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna make videos of fruits and vegetables

made to look like famous athletes.

I've got Wayne Grapesky,

Pear Bryant.

Uh, I'm trying to think of a baseball player I could use for strawberries, but...

Nothing's coming to me.

Don't you think it's a little derivative?

No, it's a big peach.

I mean it's not very original.

I do food. You're just copying my idea.

So? It's just a silly video thing.

A silly video thing?

I think the 28 people who follow "Sabrina's Yolk of the Day"

might disagree with you.

Wait a minute.

Strawberry Bonds. Oh, how dumb am I?

- What's going on with your toe freckle? - I'm not sure.

- I'm worried it's getting bigger. - Maybe your toe is getting smaller.

Well, that worries me, too.

Either one of those things could be the spark that starts the fire.

That's what Sabrina said about the doctor.

I've been thinking about that, too. Listen.

(gasps)

I think my neck crack's getting worse.

Sounds like someone's making popcorn under my head.

Sometimes my ear just starts hurting.

Like, I'll just be standing somewhere, and then, suddenly, ow!

- Did it just happen? - No, I was just dramatizing.

It only happens a couple times a week.

You know what else? Sometimes when I pee,

it comes out in two different directions.

Zow! Zow!

I'm dramatizing, too.

My after-breakfast eye twitch is now sometimes lasting all the way till lunch.

No matter how much coffee I drink to relax myself, it just doesn't stop!

My jaw hurts like crazy when I go like this.

- Ooh, that looks painful. - It is!

I hate to say it, but maybe Sabrina was right.

We need to see a doctor.

Maybe she was right about other things.

Do you really think there's a country called Chad?

Yeah, and everyone there carries a tennis racket

and wears a sweater tied around their shoulders.

I'm starting to get worried. I think I have everything.

Muscle weakness? Check. Fatigue? Check.

Form of payment? Check.

- I know. Do I get dizzy? - When you spin around a lot.

Damn it!

Virginia Chance? Nice to meet you.

: Gotcha!

I love that one. Do it to all my new patients. (Virginia laughs)

My philosophy is, laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you have insurance.

In that case, medicine is the best medicine.

Okay. Let's go look under your hood.

: Stay strong.

Hey, guys, I don't usually post spill videos, but...

You don't see a crocodile with Abe Lincoln's head every day.

Guys?

All right, well, that was an amusing diversion, but we should...

Oh, you know what? We can bleach the chicken tomorrow. Let's watch it again.

You guys watching my daily "Yolk of the Day" video?

No. Jimmy posted this hilarious new WikiVid.

And you should probably get your cholesterol checked.

Let me see this. This better not be food-related.

I was never a fan of the Three Stooges.

I found them sweaty and clumsy and not very entertaining.

To be clear, the Three Stooges is what I called Wilfrid's genitals.

Unless you are one, old people are funny.

Yeah. I guess it's funny. It's a little simple.

Simple...?

Yeah. I mean, when you have as many as 27 followers,

they want you to challenge them artistically and intellectually.

- Oh, I thought you had 28. - I did.

I'm sorry, Sabrina, but between the nun that does the chicken dance,

the cat that plays the piano and James' hysterical new videos,

I don't have the time to stare at eggs until they look like Steve Buscemi.

All done.

Oh, you've gone blind.

- We should have come sooner. - I'm not blind.

When they give you an eye exam, they delete your pupils.

But the good news is, the only thing wrong with me is my eyes.

- Nothing glasses can't fix. - It's just a slight prescription.

It... it'd be like going from standard definition to high-def.

And I'm sorry you have to make such a... spectacle of yourself.

He's a lot more funny once you find out you're not dying. You'll see.

Well, it took 87 years,

but now, officially, my neck looks like my vagina.

Her neck does look like a vagina.

Where's Sabrina?

She took her, uh, break a half hour ago.

No fair, all right?

You said that my video was deflippititive ,

and now you're being defibrilitive .

I think the word you're looking for is derivative.

Whatever. All right, if I can't film food,

then you can't take advantage of my crazy great-grandmother to amuse strangers.

- That's my thing. - Come on.

You and I should both be able to record whatever we want...

Sounds like someone with 27 followers talking.

35. Thank you very much.

Oh, 35. I remember when I had 35 followers.

That was... four followers ago.

Oh, yeah? Well, your phone is pink.

Yep. Whatever, 35.

Well, everything checks out... your eyes,

your heart, blood pressure. You're in great shape.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

I might think about getting a regular checkup every six or seven years.

Some of those tests were actually kind of fun.

Do that little hammer again.

Wow! That is wild!

Does that work on other parts of the body, too?

'Cause I could really use that magic hammer in the bedroom.

Just, uh, one more thing.

Just turn around, bend over and...

- Promise you can keep a secret. - All right.

Whoa!

And that feels like your finger in my doggy door.

Oh, it's just a routine test, Burt.

Well, if you're trying to get my knee to move again,

it's twitching pretty good, so you can stop now.

Hmm.

Your prostate feels a little... boggy.