The Middle

Frankie: The one thing all parents look forward to

is their kids coming home from college for winter break.

Until they've been there a couple weeks.

Axl.

How many times have I told you

stop leaving your stuff everywhere.

Seriously, this house is so much cleaner when you're not here.

Fine!

Why are you always thinking things are gonna get better, huh?

Just give up, mom. This is your life.

Because of that comment,

you're also gonna go clean up your room.

I want you to get rid of whatever you don't need anymore.

You have junk in there that you haven't used since you were 5.

Oh, my God.

I go to college, and you want to erase

any trace of me, like I never even existed.

Now you're getting it.

- Mm. -

How are those "Found Dog" fliers coming?

- Oh, you know, I haven't heard anything. - Hmm.

'Cause you haven't done anything yet.

Saw a big stack of them just sitting in your trunk.

You know, you're the only one

that has a problem with Colin Firth anymore.

It's not his fault.

He just barks at you 'cause he's scared of your face.

You have a hostile resting face.

A what?

A hostile resting face-- HRF, Mike.

It's a thing. See? Right there.

You always look like you're just a little pissed off.

Good. That's what I'm going for.

Hey, buddy!

How would you like to play this new game I invented?

I call it "Extreme Room Makeover, Brick Edition."

- Ahh! - If it's anything like your other games,

Hamper Hostage, Drier Ride, and Toilet Explorer,

I think I'll pass.

Besides, I've got a new book I'm very excited about

and wish not to be disturbed.

"Unsinkable" by Debbie Reynolds?

It's on the branch librarian's list of winter must-reads.

She was dead-on about

Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck,"

and this is supposed to be just as good.

Mm, okay.

Here's the thing, Brick.

It's not exactly a choice.

Now, you can help me,

or your book can be the next contestant on Toilet Explorer,

and I'm guessing it's really not that unsinkable.

Frankie!

You leaving?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, just thinking about packing up.

I can't believe it's the end of the day already.

Time just flew, huh? So, I'll see you tomorrow.

Ah, okay. Well, just always seems like

you're running out the door, so...

No, you know what? I'm not actually running.

I'm just low to the ground,

so it seems like I'm moving faster than I really am.

Well, you're not running anywhere tonight

except to grab a burger with me.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Nonsense.

You had me over for Thanksgiving,

and I haven't even taken you out for a single meal.

Okay, then. G-great.

Yes, it would be much more fun

going to dinner with my boss

instead of just going home and watching The Bachelor.

Super!

Keep.

- Keep. - Keep?

Whatever.

Just keep. I don't care. Just keep it.

Hey.

Have some respect.

That's only my city championship jersey

from the most glorious moment of my life.

Duh, keep.

You know, Memory Lane Adventure actually sounded fun

when you first came up with it,

but now I'm starting to think this was just another scam

to make us do your work for you.

I'll give you five more minutes and I'm done.

I need to find out how it all pans out

between Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher,

and also who Eddie Fisher is.

There's something big stuck back here.

Ew.

Wedged...

Oh... right!

That's hilarious.

- I totally forgot about that. - Axl.

You stole my Thundering Hens mascot head?

It was you?

Pretty awesome prank, though, right?

You totally thought it was Roosevelt High.

O-objectively speaking, you got to appreciate

how genius it was.

Do you realize what you did to me?

I suffered incredibly intense humiliation because of this.

Brad got into a very dangerous

dance fight because of this.

I was a Chicken Bear instead of a Thundering Hen

for a whole year because of this!

Oops.

- - You are dead.

You are so, so dead!

No! Ow! No!

Oh!

I didn't mean to be out so late.

Turns out Dr. Goodwin has a long story about everything.

On the plus side, I brought you dinner.

Well, that's something.

All I could find in the fridge is an old jar of salsa

and Axl's pants.

- Bleu cheese! - Dr. Goodwin likes it.

And, hey, if you don't want it

there's a dog here that would be more than happy to eat it.

Yeah, speaking of that, you can't go out

carousing with your boss till 9:00 at night

when you got a dog here that needs to be walked.

Look, Dr. Goodwin's a billion times nicer than Mr. Ehlert,

but he could still fire me, Mike.

I'm really not that good at my job.

- Mm. Axl: - It was a joke! God!

Let it go! You're so lame you can't even take a joke?

No, I am done, Axl!

I am not gonna let you hurt me anymore!

Ohh.

The point is, you could have walked the dog.

It's really not that hard.

Mike: Look, I'm not carrying a poop bag

- for a dog I never signed off on. -

And I'm not buying your excuses about those fliers.

Aah!

The tape won't stick in this weather? Really?

Look, I understand that Colin Firth

- is causing some disruption in our house. -

And I will entertain the idea of giving up

this dog I love very much.

But I think you are a decent person.

- - And as a decent person,

you would see that it wouldn't be fair

to-- to make me do it unless you really tried,

because you're so decent.

Because you have a lot of qualities,

but decency is the one that really comes across.

- -

Please, Mike? It would make up for the hostile resting face.

- -

- - Thank you!

You give it a shot with the dog for two weeks.

Really try, and if you guys don't bond,

we'll seriously talk about finding him a different home.

Yeah, I'd love to say that a cutting board to the face

was the end of Axl and Sue's epic fight.

But unfortunately, it was just the beginning.

No! This did not just happen!

Oh, yeah, it did.

Uh, you brought this on yourself, Axl.

You not only hurt me,

y-you hurt the lives of all the innocent fans

- who root for the Thundering Hens. - What?

Besides, Axl, it's just a prank. Where's your sense of humor?

You'll find out when my butt's in your face!

- - Oh, God.

- -

Hey! Unlock the door right now!

Still at it?

- Yep. - Huh.

So, hey.

I'm gonna assume you haven't researched

how to get a dog to like you, but I have.

You can research how to get a dog to like you?

Is that what the internet's for?

Mm-hmm. A lot of good tips here, Mike.

Oh, this is something that seems

made for you and your face problem.

It says you should make sleepy eyes and then yawn

so it makes the dog feel like you're not intimidating.

Yeah, I'm not doing that. Next.

Okay. Give it treats.

Keep little pieces of meat in your pocket.

Frankie, I ate salsa for dinner.

Any meat in my pocket's going in my mouth.

Okay, well, here's the list.

You may peruse it at your leisure.

I didn't put this much effort into raising our kids.

- Axl: - You're so dead!

- - Clearly.

Dad, you are not gonna believe what Axl did to me.

Made you brush your teeth?

This is so unfair.

He doesn't even have a reason to be mad.