Superstore

I hate Black Friday.

_

Here we go.

This is the Super Bowl of retail.

There's a buzz in the air,

a charge that probably doesn't read on camera.

Uh, but over here we have the pre-opening potluck.

Every employee brings a dish,

much in the spirit of sharing.

Isn't that a delightful tradition, Amy?

Yeah, I love waking up at 3:00 a.m.

to eat Sandra's cold spinach casserole.

- It's meant to be served cold. - Sorry.

Okay, Garrett,

any advice for my first Black Friday?

Get that camera out my face.

All right, not a morning person.

Cheyenne, how about you?

How're you feeling?

I'm okay.

I think I hit something with my car,

but I was too tired to check.

Well, that's alarming.

Okay, attention, everyone.

Black Friday is the most important day of the year.

And the key to getting through it

is to stay calm.

No matter what happens,

I am gonna stay Obama cool.

Okay, Chris, we all know how you feel about Obama.

You can stay George W. Bush cool.

Remember how calm he was on 9/11?

Well, not that this is gonna be 9/11.

This is gonna be better than 9/11.

No, why do I keep saying 9/11?

What's 9/11?

You didn't hear?

All right, everybody, focus up.

Today, you need to prepare for the worst.

If you find yourself in a jam, remember the word ACT:

Assess, Communicate, Take Action.

Assess the situation.

Communicate.

Take action.

I don't really need to explain it.

- Amy? - Thank you, Deen.

All right, I want a minimum of five employees in each zone,

eight in Electronics,

obviously in rolling, two-person pigeon teams.

All RMDs need to have the right CPOs.

We'll assimilate any dead stock for TKTs at the end of the day.

- Got it? Got it.

Jonah, can you please be in charge of tracking the UPTs

and logging them in the T7?

Yes, I certainly can.

I just made that up. You're on spills and trash.

- Cool. - Okay, break.

You can do this. You can do this.

Black Friday? What?

Not afraid of you.

Please, everybody keep back and in line.

It's a fire hazard.

Also, if anyone finds a green hair thingy, it's mine.

I dropped it on the way in.

- Green hair thingy. - Super cute.

Hey, any way you guys could set aside

one of those 60-inch flat-screens for me?

Um, do you see this?

It's called a line.

So no, I can't.

I'll give you 40 bucks.

It wouldn't be fair.

Each.

Oh...

Hey, Tate, how's it going?

- It's going fantastic. - Great.

Nobody gets their prescriptions filled

on Black Friday, so I got all the time I want

to work on my screenplay.

- Oh. - It's about a pharmacist,

obviously, who invents a pill

that allows you to use all of your brain.

Oh, like "Limitless."

Not like "Limitless"! All right.

Why do people keep saying it's like "Limitless"?

It's inspired by "Limitless."

Okay, uh, quick question.

Um, I'm trying to stay relaxed today,

so Jerusha gave me these pills

that she got after her train accident.

I just want to make sure I won't get hooked.

Alprazolam,

Good, good times.

Yeah, it's a low dose. You should be okay.

Oh, okay.

Have you had anything to drink today?

Uh, just three mugs of juice.

I think you'll be fine.

Okay.

No, I lied. It was seven mugs.

I just didn't want you to judge me.

That's too much juice, Glenn.

Pretend I'm not here.

Why pretend when you could really just not be here?

You know, everybody here is so jaded.

This is exciting! This is fun.

This is, like, the closest our country has

to the running with the bulls in Pamplona.

- Ugh. - Okay, I'll shut up, sorry.

Wow, I just got really nauseous all of a sudden.

Nauseated.

I'm so sorry. That's, like, a reflex a mine.

I'm working on it.

It's weird. I never get sick.

It's like when...

Finish this.

Okay.

Mm-hmm...

mm-hmm.

No, I don't know for sure.

I'm just saying that I might be.

Yes, we did, in the photo lab at work, remember?

Who cares who initiated it, Adam?

Wow.

All right, everybody, get ready.

Store is set to open in exactly one minute.

60, 59...

You don't have to say all the numbers.

60, 61...

yeah, that's right.

I'm going up now.

Okay, uh, one last thought

before we open

that if you apply...

Whoa, whoa.

Yes, you can get pregnant from that angle.

You can get pregnant from any angle.

What?

No, I can't... I can't hear you.

Ow!

If I could just get everybody describing

what Black Friday means to them,

that would be gr...

Hey, that's a new camera.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

Apparently Black Friday has begun.

From all of us here at Cloud 9,

have a great Purge.

Okay, well, we're, uh, only five minutes in,

and already the, uh, beer tower display

got knocked over onto Miles,

so he's gone, and aisle 12 is covered with blood and glass.

But, uh, it's all... it's all good, boo.

I'm keeping it 100.

- That's not what that means. - No?

Um, Glenn, I'm feeling a little bit sick.

No, Amy, do not fall apart on me, okay?

You just need to stay calm.

- I need to go. - What?

Attention, shoppers.

Cloud 9 brand tablets are half off.

The Halo Fog has an HD display

and boasts a battery life of about 45 minutes.

Hey, I need you to work the register

while Tim's in the bathroom.

Nah, I don't do registers.

Look, I know that it's really the hip thing

for you millennials to not give a crap...

That's not true, and we're the same age,

but please, go on.

It's all hands on deck,

so quit your Myspacing

and get on the register.

That's an order.

All right.

Let me just finish this announcement.

Fine, but the second you're done,

I want you on register three.

The second I'm done.

You can also view thousands of movies

on the Halo Fog.

I will now list some of the movies

that are probably on there.

"Mrs. Doubtfire," "Silence of the Lambs,"

that one where Nicolas Cage switches faces

and says he's gonna eat a peach for hours...

ooh, "Forrest Gump."

That's a good movie.

Excuse me, do you have any more of these espresso makers in the back?

I think so, yeah.

Okay, could you get me one?

It's all the way in the back.

Yeah, a lot of people need stuff right now.

How do we decide who to help first?

Is it you? Is it them?

You, them?

You?

Ew, no.

I want a bribe.

Oh, God.