Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Walden, are you almost ready?

Almost.

How is it possible that I am always ready before you are?

Hey, it takes a lot of work

to make it look like I don't care how I look.

Please, let's go. I'm starving.

Just give me a minute. I'm having a bad beard day.

Is there such a thing as a good beard day?

Absolutely.

Usually I wake up, and it's all soft and fluffy,

but I must have slept on it wrong,

'cause this side's, like, flat and listless.

Oh, if it's causing you such problems,

why don't you just shave it off?

I thought you loved my beard.

No, I never said that.

Then why'd you go out with me in the first place?

I don't judge a person by what's on the surface.

Yeah, but yet you're asking me to shave my surface.

Yes, please.

Wow.

I mean, is there anything else

about me that's not working for you?

As long as you ask,

I'm not crazy about the Jennifer Aniston hairdo.

Okay. This is...

I'm-I'm... I'm a little... I'm a little confused here.

I thought you liked the way I looked.

Oh, I do. I do.

I just think I'd like it better if the ratio of hair to face

was more on the face side of things.

Well, I will definitely give it some thought.

Oh. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.

Although, to be fair, I did remove some hair for you.

After I almost choked to death.

Okay, just need to post a profile picture,

and let the dating begin.

Whoa.

To Catch a Predator.

Hello, sailor!

Wow. More chins than a Chinese phone book.

Hey. We're heading out.

Have a nice dinner.

What are you going to do tonight?

Well, I don't want to jinx myself,

but I'm hoping to rub one out and be asleep by 10:00.

Rub one out?

Oh, he's gonna wait till we leave,

watch some porn and masturbate.

Ah.

Oh. Ick.

You know what?

Don't just hang out here alone.

Why don't you just join us for dinner?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't want to be a third wheel.

You two kids have a great time.

Thank you. No.

We insist.

Tell him, Zoey.

Do join us, won't you?

Great.

Rain check. Where we eating?

I was thinking about trying out that new Italian place on PCH.

Ooh, really? Italian? That's kind of heavy.

What are you in the mood for?

Oh, no, no. It's your night. I'm just tagging along.

I was rather looking forward to Italian, so...

Well, you heard her. The queen wants pasta.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Darling, you have some crumbs.

Oh. Thank you.

Mm.

That's another advantage of having a beard.

After dinner, you always have something left to snack on.

Charming.

She's not crazy about the facial hair.

Oh, are you kidding?

He looks so rugged and sexy.

Grr.

Well, if it's such a wonderful look,

why don't you grow a beard?

Oh, I tried. Grew in patchy.

I looked like a possum on chemo.

Oh. Well, I think most women would agree

that men look much more attractive

when they're properly groomed.

Really?

I've always been properly groomed,

and all it's gotten me is two divorces

and carpal tunnel syndrome.

Oh. Ick.

Alan, check out the bar.

Oh. Wow.

She looks fantastic.

Who's that?

It's Alan's old girlfriend.

: You're joking.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Well done. Well done.

Alan, go say hello to her.

Oh, I don't know. I mean, as much as I'd like to see her,

I'm not sure she still wants to see me.

Uh, it didn't end well.

What happened?

Did she catch you rubbing one out?

Did I say that right? That was perfect.

Yeah? Okay.

Just go say hello to her.

Well, guess it couldn't hurt.

I mean, she does look a little pathetic

just sitting there all by herself

waiting to get hit on by some loser.

By all means, save her from that.

All right, wish me luck.

Good luck.

Go get 'em.

Seriously, what's wrong with her?

Hey, stranger.

Alan!

Hi! How have you been?

Uh, good. Good. You?

Real good.

Well, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, I've been working out.

Good.

Good, good. So, uh, what are you doing here all by yourself?

Oh, well... Sorry.

I don't think that valet has ever driven a Ferrari before.

Alan, this is my friend Dylan.

Dylan, this is Alan.

Oh, hey. Hey, Alan.

Uh, Dylan, huh?

Uh, named after Bob?

No, named after my dad.

He was named after Bob.

: Okay. Okay.

Uh, well, it was nice to meet you.

Uh, Lyndsey, it's always great to see you.

Um, I-I should get back to my date.

Yeah, Walden's trying to set me up with his baby sister.

She's very pretty.

Oh, yeah, she's okay.

Uh, it's a very close family.

Seems overly complicated.

What?

Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on 'em?

Dude.

Dude...

that's a million-dollar idea.

What is?

Pre-dipped chips.

See, that's a million-dollar idea.

What's a million-dollar idea?

It's an idea worth a million dollars.

Boy, I wish I had one of those.

I can't believe they brought back Beavis and Butt-Head.

Yeah. Those guys are, like, too stupid to live.

Uh-oh. That's my dad.

Quick, give me that air freshener.

This is bug spray, dude.

Says it's for roaches.

Perfect.

Just forget about her, Alan.

I'm sure Zoey has some single friends she can fix you up with.

No, I don't. Sorry.

I just can't get over how young the guy is.

Well, a clean-shaven face will do that for a man.

Well, thanks again for dinner.

I really thought I was gonna eat both lobsters.

You really don't have any single friends?

Shh. Just keep walking.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, my God!

Is that bug spray?

Yeah, we were just getting rid of some roaches.

Maybe we need to call an exterminator.

I think we need to call Domino's.

Mind if I hang out with you guys?

Sure.

Who's dumber than Beavis and Butt-Head?

Oh, hey, Eldridge, I ran into your mom tonight.

Really? Was she with Dylan?

Yeah, yeah. Have you met him?

What's he like? Is it serious?

I doubt it. He's gay.

What? He's gay?

Oh, yeah, big poof.

Always hugging me a little too long.

Wait. Are we talking about the guy with the Ferrari?

Yeah. Dylan.

I once saw him wearing my mom's underwear.