The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

I've never really had a zit before.

Both: Ever?

I'm sure you have so much in common

with that vapid coose Jenny.

Do you have lady gaga? Or Katy Perry?

I don't have...those.

Ow!

Whoa.

This place is dangerous, Berger.

No wonder why I never come in here.

Good one, Max.

Every once in a while

Max remembers the school has a library,

so I'm forced to study with Miles.

Hey, does sex feel like this?

Or like this?

In times like these,

I normally consider my home

a fortress of studious solitude,

but ever since my parents split,

I feel like my world's been splitting with them.

All those channels for free?

Even the dirty ones?

Whoever will I watch them with?

Can I get you some wine?

They say divorce turns parents into children

and children into parents.

Come on, God, give Ricky some boob tube.

What they don't tell you

is that it turns everyone into train wrecks.

What are we watching?

Only channel the motel gets.

And this particular train

has wrecked right into my grades.

I'm disappointed, RJ.

That's the third straight decline.

But a big fat "a" for you, Miles.

Thanks.

My name is RJ Berger,

and my life is literally rotting my brain.

Mrs. K really boils the man gravy, huh?

Ah, she's the hottest sub ever.

I'm gonna miss her.

These grades don't make any sense.

Did you even study for this?

Hells no!

I don't even know what this test is about!

Eyes up front please.

You don't have to ask me twice, Mrs. K.

So you plan on getting in Jenny's pink

sometime this century?

I don't know. I guess so.

"I guess so"? Are you nuts?

You've been wanting to lay strings across that mug

since you were a kid.

It's your destiny.

Honestly, Miles, I don't know anymore.

Jenny's been really weird lately.

First there was the lock-in,

then the whole zit incident.

And now, on top of that, my grades are dropping

like a...

Like a...

Nothing. I got nothing.

Dude, who cares?

It's time for you to stop thinking and start boning.

Mr. Jenner.

Oh, crap.

Miles, please come and see me

during my free period.

RJ, hey, wait up.

Hey.

Hey, Mr. Mopey.

Guess what?

My parents are going out of town Friday.

You know what that means.

Yeah, assuming I'm ever allowed

out of the apartment again.

What?

I'm practically flunking all of my classes,

and I just found out that my parents

are coming in for a crisis meeting about my grades.

I'm sure you'll find a way to fix it.

They haven't been in the same room together in weeks,

and the first time they do,

it's to discuss their idiot son.

Maybe it'll be good for them to see each other.

Good for them to see each other?

It is going to be a battle royale.

It's gonna be a bloodbath! It's...

It's gonna be, fine, RJ.

Look, I'm sorry.

I know you've had a tough few weeks.

I mean, we kind of hit our own little rough patch.

That's why I want to make Friday night really special.

Me and you are finally gonna lose our virginity.

Our virginity. Can't wait.

There's more where that came from.

Oh, so now it's my fault

that he can't study at your flea bag hooker motel.

Mom, dad, please!

Don't tell me there aren't hookers there,

because we used to pick them up together.

Mr. and Mrs. Berger!

This is a counselor-parent meeting.

Save that crap for Montel.

Both: Sorry.

Yeah.

Now, I called you in today because it's apparent...

No, I take that back.

It's friggin' obvious that RJ's home life

is affecting his grades.

Well...

I'm putting RJ on academic probation.

RJ, you're gonna be meeting in the library

for tutoring three days a week, effective immediately.

What? No, no, no, but... but...

Butts are for toilet seats, Berger.

Now I'm gonna be checking in with his...teachers daily...

And...And reporting back to you regularly.

In the meantime, you two keep that crap bottled up

when you're around his impressionable young mind.

Fine.

Try and tone it down.

I, uh, appreciate you coming in, Mrs. Berger.

Well, thank you, coach Sinclair.

It's nice to know there are still a few gentlemen

left in the world.

You're welcome.

And, please, call me Jeriba.

Jeriba.

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to see my pooter?

What?

I said are you here to see a tutor?

Uh, yes. Yes.

I'm... I am here to see a...tutor.

Yeah, were you just picturing me naked?

What? No... is... I would...

Girls can tell when you're doing that, you know.

Well, sorry. I... I was not doing...

Yeah? You can tell when I do that?

I can.

And stop saying "I'm sorry."

- It makes people hate you. - Sorry.

RJ, right?

I'm Amy, and you're coming with me.

Okay, so it says here you're smart.

At least you used to be. Till recently.

Okay, so what's your deal?

Drugs, or...?

You mean why are my grades dropping like...

Like...

Like preteen panties at a Justin Bieber concert.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, uh...

My parents are getting divorced,

and, um, uh, my girlfriend doesn't get it,

and everyone else just sort of thinks I'm a loser,

so it's just kind of hard.

Wow.

That is pathetic.

What?

Hey, you might as well have just said,

"I'm in high school."

You know, everybody has those problems.

They do?

Yeah, I mean, my parents got divorced last year,

and, yeah, I thought it was all my fault,

and, yeah, it really messed me up.

I'm sorry.

But then, you know, things got better, right?

It got worse. It got way worse.

Yeah, but then you have to realize that, you know,

that stuff is their life,

and you have to live yours.

That's all you can do.

That's it?

That's it.

All right, now let's see what Mr. Python Pants'

big old bulging brain can do

when he's not worrying about everyone else in the world.

You know about that?

Yeah, everybody knows about that.

Mrs. K, you wanted to see me?

Would you excuse us, please?

Okay, Mrs. K. I'll wait in the hall.

Look, Mrs. K,

if this is about me talking,

I just want you to know that it's not gonna happen agai...

Shut up, Miles.

Whoa.