Daniel Sloss: X

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

Mr. Daniel Sloss!

Hello, Sydney. How are you?

Good. It's fucking lovely to be back,

uh, genuinely,

that's why we're filming this here again:

'cause it was so good fucking last time.

-So, don't screw this up. -(laughter)

Uh, get comfortable.

And if you're not comfortable, don't worry about it too much.

I'm about to provide plenty of material

that's going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable.

-(laughter) -Let's crack on.

I love kids.

-I do. -(laughter)

Love kids, love babies, I love toddlers.

I love tiny little children. Love 'em.

There should not be this much tension in the room.

I haven't said anything bad there.

I said something nice, something sweet, something endearing,

but most important-- something legal!

-(laughter) -I love kids.

Some of you still don't trust me.

That's fine, I get that, that could be my fault.

I'm a comedian that's got a reputation for having a "dark" sense of humor.

Maybe you expect me to take that premise,

turn it into an offensive punchline,

all for the sake of shock comedy.

I promise you that's not gonna happen with this joke.

Maybe it's another factor that I hadn't considered.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a white man

and we don't have the best history with... children.

I can't say for certain. All I know for certain

is that whenever I proudly declare that I love kids

-at least half of you fuckers go "He-he-he." -(laughter)

Every gig without fail, no matter where I am.

I love kids! "He's gonna fuck one."

-I'm not. -(laughter)

I'm not gonna fuck one. Why would I fuck one?

-They are not my type. -(laughter)

I have three younger siblings, I've got nine younger cousins.

From the age of two, I've been raised around kids. I love kids, I really do.

And I hate the fact that I have to qualify my love of children.

'Cause I don't have to qualify my love of anything else.

I love dogs.

None of you are like, "He's gonna fuck a poodle!"

-It's not... -(laughter)

-And I would fuck a poodle. -(laughter)

I absolutely would. It's small, it's on a leash.

-Where's it gonna go? -(laughter)

-I love my mom. -(laughter)

-Yeah. -(laughter)

None of you think I'm gonna fuck her, do you?

And I've been inside of her and I've sucked her tits.

-Not at the same time. -(laughter)

That's when Dad gets jealous.

It's not good being a man and being paternal.

I guess if you're like-- maybe like a father, you got kids that's cool.

But if you've got no kids and you love kids,

some people find it weird.

I noticed it 'cause my friends are having kids now,

so I get to go and play with their kids, you know,

running round a park, chasing them around the place.

-Again, not in a creepy way. -(laughter)

-Well... -(laughter)

I mean, don't get me wrong, on a technicality,

I am technically chasing them round a park

-while they scream and beg me to stop. -(laughter)

But I promise you that that is part of the game.

When chasing children, hand position is very, very important, right?

Funny monster, actual monster.

-There is... -(laughter)

There is a subtle difference between "I'm gonna get you"

-(screams): and "I'm gonna get you!" -(laughter)

Kids are intuitive and they can tell the difference.

I get jealous of women sometimes.

Women, you're allowed to be openly maternal

in ways that I'm just not able to be.

Women could be like, "I was on a train the other day, and I saw a baby,

"So, I smiled at the baby, and the baby smiled back.

"And then I waved at the baby, and the baby waved back.

And, oh, my ovaries exploded."

"Oh, my poor explody ovaries have done a 9/11 in my belly."

I get those exact same emotions,

but I'm not allowed to express them in that way.

-Or I go to jail! -(laughter)

Do you want proof of that claim?

Fine, I have a goddaughter, her name is Ava.

She is two-and-a-half years old.

She is without a doubt the dumbest fucking moron...

-(laughter) -...I have ever had the--

Oh, man, she's thick as shit, man. She's so great.

And I know there'll be parents in the room,

they'll be like, "Oh, Daniel, all kids are stupid."

Oh, I know they are. This one takes the biscuit.

-(laughter) -And shoves it in her fucking ear.

-She is... -(laughter)

She's about this big, everything in her life is a corner

that exists directly at eye height,

and she sprints in every direction, full speed,

without checking her periphery

because she doesn't know that she can die yet.

-(laughter) -I love her unconditionally,

but I don't think she's gonna make it to ten.

-(laughter) -It would be nice, but it might not happen.

She does have an older sister. I should point that out.

But her older sister is not my goddaughter,

so I haven't learned her fucking name.

Her parents made a shitty decision on her behalf,

-and she will suffer the consequences. -(laughter)

I'll play with Ava, and Slagathor can play with her godfather...

-(laughter) -...whoever he may be.

Ava's the best, man. She's so fun.

Always excited to see me,

'cause, you know, we play games together.

Her favorite game in the world is hide-and-seek.

Uh, she thinks I invented hide-and-seek,

and the reason she thinks I invented hide-and-seek

is because I told her that I invented hide-and-seek.

And she's the worst hide-and-seek player.

And I know there's gonna be parents in the room

who are listening to me, be like "Oh, Daniel,

"Of course she's bad at hide-and-seek, all kids are.

Let me guess, she hides behind the curtain and giggles."

Ha-ha. That is a Harvard graduate compared to my fucking moron.

Let's just pretend that this is just, like,

a chair in the middle of the living room, right?

I'll be Ava and you be me,

and let's see how long it takes you to find me.

-If indeed you can. -(laughter)

Allow me to just get into character: fucking moron.

-Did you find me? -(laughter)

Please note that she doesn't hide like this.

She hides like this because she likes to maintain eye contact!

-(laughter) -For the duration of the game.

Now, I love this moron.

I don't want her growing up knowing she's a moron.

I want her growing up feeling confident, so I have to call her a genius.

So, I have to spend five minutes not fucking finding her,

which is way more difficult.

Then, the second I can't find her,

she starts laughing, now I can hear the bitch.

-(laughter) -That is two senses

I can now use to work out where in the room she might be.

Then she gets so excited that she shits herself.

-Three out of five. -(laughter)

One of the reasons I love her so much

is because she's got that, you know, that kindness that only some toddlers have,

just that pure kindness.

'Cause eventually whenever I do find her,

-she's proud of me. -(laughter)

Like, I'll eventually turn around and be like, "Oh there you are!"

And she's like, "How did you--?" You were fucking there!

She's so precious, I'm gonna die.

Her older sister, by the way, is very good at hide-and-seek,

but that's mainly 'cause I never fucking look for her.

I'll still count and tell her she's playing,

and then once she's gone, she's God's problem.

Ava sucks at seeking as well.

She sucks at both halves of the game, right?

The last time when I was round visiting her,

we were playing hide-and-seek, she looked in a drawer.

It was the one and only place she looked.

She walked into the kitchen confident as fuck.

She was like, "If I know my godfather, and I think I do,

he'll be in the knife drawer."

"That's where I would be."

She opened up the knife drawer, I wasn't in there,

she forgot she was playing, and then she fucked off.

Just me and her sister hiding under a table.

Like, "What the fuck is this shit?"

Her sister was like, "Annoying, isn't it?"

-Shut your whore mouth! I fucking swear to God. -(laughter)

Love being a god-dad, love being a god-dad.

Uh, it's good fun. I don't see--

I feel guilty sometimes 'cause, I travel a lot with this job.

I don't see Ava as much as I'd like to.

So, whenever I do, I spoil her just so she still loves me.

Not with like treats and stuff, like, you know, physical things.

I like to take her on experiences