Killing Mary Sue

-Dad, look! I drew us. -What?

- Other side. - Oh.

- So beautiful! Look, that's me and that's you, and...

...and the other-- Yes!

Oh, my God! I'm gonna hold on to this forever and ever.

You know, you deserve the world, sugar plum.

And I'm gonna give it to you.

I mean, big-ass house, toys, parties, friends!

You ready to go get it?

We're gonna go in there and scrounge up

our investment capital right now.

Let's go get it.

What do you want?

-Anything at all. -Ice cream!

Yes! Good choice!

All right, now listen, go grab a bunch,

but remember, do not turn around.

Got it?

Okay, baby. Use your hands.

- Yo, open the register!

Give me the fucking money!

Everybody, get a load of this one,

you're not gonna believe it.

From trailer park trash to Washington political trash.

No, no, no! Let's, let's hear it.

We can confirm Senator Bradley Weiner's stepdaughter,

Mary Sue Harper, has returned today home

following her massive scandal this week in Moscow.

The allegations? Sex, violent confrontations with authorities,

enough drugs to kill an elephant,

and guess who bailed her out again?

I mean, what business does she even have over there?

She's a spoiled brat, plain and simple.

Never thought of anything other than her own selfish desires

-and her own-- -Okay, that, that's enough.

This story has--

Are you serious?

Just, uh, don't tell the big guy, huh?

Carrie?

Yeesh!

Carrie! You home?

Got my stuff?

And the housekeeper pulls through again.

- She's in her room, I think. -Nice.

Hey, you think I can hit it?

I bet she puts out super easy.

Careful. She's a druggie piece of shit, just like her real dad.

He was stabbed or shot, or what was it?

Stabbed 12 times in the face and neck.

-Pretty fucking sick, if you ask me. -How the fuck

- did you get down here? - And I only put out

if you can punch me in the face. Hard.

All right? No pussy shit. I'm talking broken orbitals.

Okay? Send me to the next week. S-- scratch that, next fucking month.

Okay? You can rock me like that,

I'll let you photograph me however the hell you want. How's that for a deal?

Gandhi once said,

"Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

- And, well, it, it's a long story.

- People call me spoiled, people call me entitled,

but I know where the anger comes from.

They're jealous. They're lucky if they can just barely scrape by

and pay their bills working some shit job.

Well, I'm lucky because my dad robbed a convenience store when I was seven.

- Give me the fucking money!

- Fuck, man, I was just--

Cue my mom's slut face...

...her meeting Mayor Bradley Weiner at a fundraiser...

...Mayor Bradley Weiner becoming Senator Bradley Weiner...

...and Senator Bradley Weiner freeing us from the tyranny of having to live real lives.

Look at me now, Dad! I get to have all your fun with none of the consequences, don't I?

- People say that Bradley only got married to further

his political goals or something.

And also that he's trying to get rid of me.

Like the time he sent me away to another country?

- Or that I'm an abuse victim... - whatever that means.

But again, that's just stupid people being stupid jealous.

- ...great to see you-- - If I could use

one word to describe my stepdad...

...it would be honest,

loyal, hard-working, and pure.

- He's not the guy who says one thing and does another

behind closed doors. He lives his values.

I hope you vote for me in 20 years. Thank you, Mommy!

Being a senator's kid truly allows you to live your life

the way Gandhi would've wanted. Rules? Not my problem.

Money? Not my problem.

Problems? Not my fucking problem.

And he'll never say it...

...but I know why he does it.

It's because he loves me.

I mean, I'm pretty sure he loves me.

The senator's stepdaughter attacked two photographers outside her home.

Inserting their own cameras up their anal cavities.

After she claimed that they, and I'd like to quote her on this...

..."Couldn't hit her in the damn face hard enough."

Get down there!

I mean, like, why wouldn't he love me?

Mary Sue Harper got kidnaped for a third time!

Another high profile scandal for Senator Weiner,

as the Navy SEALs are once again called in

- to rescue her on the taxpayer's dime.

He definitely loves me. - Mary Sue Harper...

- Mary Sue Harper was detained this afternoon. - - Mary Sue Harper...

- Mary Sue Harper... - ...has seduced the Prime Minister of Malaysia

and stolen his kidneys. She is a national...

...security risk.

Because, truth be told,

I would literally take a bullet for that man.

I need you to put a bullet in her.

- The waters are very choppy

as Senator Weiner looks to be

reelected for his fourth term.

His opponent, activist Anita Koch,

surges even further in the polls.

Many are claiming this to be the beginning of the end

of a long, hard road for Weiner.

Various analysts are looking at the data and making

-grim predictions for Weiner as his path to victory narrows. -Here you go, sir.

-Only two months ago, he was leading by double digits... -But--

-...and now that's... -Cut that into triangles. It's more sandwich that way.

Oh, of, of course, sir.

There's a lot of housekeepers I could go with, so don't make me regret buying American.

-I understand. Won't happen again. -...push in the coming week...

Carrie.

-...he will secure... -Triangles.

More sandwich.

Yes, sir. I understand.

Lucky I'm in a good mood tonight.

The thing is, you need to take control of your life, girl.

And he is never gonna let you do that.

You know, Paige, you're so fucking right.

God, I'm so happy to hear you finally say that.

Right? Like, he's weak!

-He is. And holding you back! -100%.

Like, sending you around the world to pick up bags of cash.

It's a power play, with all his foreign bribes.

What better way to make sure they know they're below him

than to make them hand the money over to someone he thinks is such a fuck up?

W-- wait, uh, who are you talking about?

Your stepdad?

What? No! Bradley's awesome!

Who did you think we were talking about?

Those fucking losers who couldn't punch me

-in the face hard enough. -What?

It's like, just go for it, you know?

Like, if I give you full permission, why you gotta hold back?

-What? -You know, Paige, thanks for talking this through.

Really needed your support.

Your stepfather's coming.

It's time to check in on her.

-What's the price today? -U-- um, skim, whole, 2%, or organic?

Whole.

It's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, $4.38 a gallon.

Uh, com-- co-- come in!

Shit!

Mary Sue, on the bed. Janine, let's have a word.

This doesn't go there.

Uh, my adorable little girl. You've always been so faithful and supportive.

You've been my greatest champion, and I'll never forget it.

Thanks, Bradley. You know how much I love you.

And I... love

u--nique gifts.

Which is why we got you a very unique and special gift.

We've been eagerly anticipating your trip tomorrow.

Six months gone in a flash, and now here you are,

off to one of your big, important jobs.

Yeah, I always do feel a strange urge to go back.

What the hell's going on?

Oh, uh, and I did wanna mention, um, one other small,

tiny, little loose end.

About two years ago,

I brokered a deal with Vladyslav Volkov.

It was a smart deal at the time. It got Mary Sue

into the boardroom at his banana farm,

she didn't have to do diddly squat.

And it got him a steady stream of American intel and influence.

You know, the whole shebang.

Did you just say... Russian banana farm?

Well, Volkov wants her back in Russia soon.

Yeah, so that's one more little critical reason

we need... to just make sure she's out of this picture.

-No Mary Sue, no scandals in Siberia. -Ah.

But, but Russian banana farm?

Well-- uh--

This Vladyslav Volkov guy

is one serious badass psychopath.

He's smart and he's unpredictable.

So that is why this job has to be so clean,

you could eat off it.

So, when the accusations go flying,

all those nosy little faces are looking everywhere...

...but this guy.

What the hell's going on?

One plane ticket to Moscow.

- Hmm. - And...

One reservation, completely off the grid,

to help you get better!

That, um, whole rehab thing?

Yeah. That was, uh,