It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Don't think this guy's gonna make it. You hear me?

Did you have an OPA.

Breathing's irregular and weak.

Responsive to pain? - Not at all.

Sir, can you hear me? His lips are super red.

Purple cyanosis.

- Super diaphoretic. - Sweating like a pig.

-What happened to this guy? -We don't know this guy from Adam.

We've never seen him before at all. He's a total outsider.

I never saw him before in the bar at all.

His goddamn heart just stopped for no reason.

Not no reason. You gave him a hot pepper.

Don't... They don't have to know that.

-Never mind that! -It was a totally unrelated incident.

-Never mind that. -Who was that guy anyway?

Man, just like some random dude who walked in here off the streets.

- Yeah. - Well, we are an open bar.

I thought he was, like, a jazzman.

I mean, he had a ponytail. He had a piano-key tie.

So I pranked him with a ghost pepper.

You'd think that a jazzman would be more accustomed to spices, you know?

-Right? You'd think he'd be fine. -Yeah, he just dropped...

-Here you go, Frank. One smash burger. -Oh.

It's about time.

Okay.

Ooh. Somebody dying or something?

Random jazzman.

Really? Just wandered right in off the streets? No reason?

We are an open, working bar.

Sorry. Wh-What's with the food delivery here?

Oh. I'm, uh, doing a Postmates thing as a side gig.

- On a bike? - Uh. No, no.

Yeah, no, sorry, uh. I-I mean, why are you ordering food from Dee, Frank?

You don't like the burgers that I've been making in the apartment?

What? I wanted a smash burger.

You don't think I can make a burger and smash it? I'll smash a burger for you.

What the hell, Frank? A 5% tip?

Pedal faster. It's cold as shit.

Goddamn it.

They're taking him to the hospital.

Good job, guys! Good luck!

Yes, uh, great work, fellas. Uh, thank you for your service.

That guy's gonna sue the shit out of me.

That's not good, man.

Hey, did anybody else get, like, a crazy rush from that experience?

I did.

It's nice to have a little action around here, right?

The way those EMTs, like, fire in and they fire out with all the lights

-and the sirens, saving lives. -It's awesome.

You know, it's as close to playing God as you can get, you know?

And the lifestyle. There's an appeal to it for sure.

The lifestyle. Yeah, the whole thing is a vibe, and I am here for it.

- Me too. It's sexy. - Yeah, sexy.

You know that they bang the doctors and the nurses, right?

Of course they do. Of course they do. Are you kidding me?

The lifestyle is spicier than one of Frank's ghost peppers.

Mac, come here for a second.

Go with me here, but, uh, I'm sensing an opportunity,

and I'm gonna float something by you that I think is a

very reasonable proposition.

Hmm.

Oh, shit, pal.

Oh.

Uh...

You're not cake, are you?

Nah. It's just a joke between me and the guys...

Uh... Something.

Anyway, I came over here to say I'm sorry because...

Well, y-you know, actually, it's not my fault.

Well, sure, I gave you a hot pepper and you had a heart attack,

but, you know, I-I kind of attribute that to the...

you know, the jazzman lifestyle more than the pepper.

Eh? Just checking about the cake thing.

You never know with those guys.

Well, well, well.

The Lawyer. What's with the getup?

It's not a getup.

It's an eye patch from when I was attacked by a bird.

Gruesome. I wish I'd have seen that.

You did see it.

I don't remember.

You don't remember being present in a court of law

while a wild animal pecked out someone's eye?

Can you be more specific?

Oh.

I'll be more specific, Frank.

I'm here looking for clients, and I just found one.

You just admitted to causing this man grievous harm,

and I am going to take you down.

-I'm innocent. -You literally just admitted it.

-I was lying. -To a man in a coma?

-I thought he was cake. -Okay.

I'll see you in court, Frank.

Shit.

This is great, buddy. Frankly, I think we should've done it years ago.

Agreed. This is the perfect complement

-to our fast-paced lifestyle. -I think so too.

Plus, I really feel like we should know how to do CPR, you know?

Yes. Yes.

Hey. Uh, pepper?

And what do we have here?

Well, the incident with the jazzman got me thinking about peppers,

getting peppers back into my life.

You know? Peppers spice everything up

from... from tacos to talk shows.

That's cute.

-Yeah. -Yeah. Okay. I like where your head's at,

but I think really it's maybe a matter of dosage.

Like we-we shouldn't eat a whole pepper.

We saw what happened to the jazzman.

I'm thinking maybe microdosing is the way to go.

-Microdose. Explain. -Yep.

Well, instead of taking 100% of the dose 10% of the time,

we take 10% of the dose 100% of the time.

That is scientifically more better.

-Wanna try it? -Yeah.

All right, just take a little nibble.

Just a little... a little micro, huh?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. And then we just need to repeat

-that dosage all day and all night. -Absolutely. That's good.

I'm getting a little heat, but it's not too much heat.

No. I definitely don't need more than that, know what I mean?

-No. I'm gonna need more in 15 minutes. -Well, sure.

Okay.

- Speaking of spicy... - How's everyone doing?

...things just got a little caliente .

Hello, class, and welcome.

I wanna congratulate you all for making a decision

to pursue a career in this field.

Are you two guys all right?

-Yeah. -Uh, yeah.

Yeah, all good. All good. Uh, and may I, uh, compliment you on your uniform?

The snugness, uh, really accentuates your physique.

If-If that's okay to say.

Uh... It's not, but let's continue, huh?

Uh, if you don't mind, can we skip to the fun parts?

- You're not even letting me get started.

Sorry. My, uh, my partner here, he's just excited to save lives.

Okay. Well, I applaud you for your enthusiasm,

- but let's stay on track here, huh? Now...

- Um... - Yes?

When I just referred to the gentleman to my right as my partner,

I meant in medicine, not in life.

In life, I am very much single.

That's great, but I wanna start this class right now, okay?

Oh, God. I-I tell you, man, I think I got the dosage off.

I think I ate a little bit too much.

Less is more. That's on me.

-The what? -The hot peppers.

Uh, when do we cover the dosing, the pepper dosing in the class?

I don't know what you're even talking about,

but I tell you what, let's talk about CPR.

- Oh, I'd like to volunteer. - No, I don't...

-You're already getting up. All right. -I'm so sorry.

It's so much spicier than I thought.

Now, when we get to the chest compressions,

should I take your shirt off or should you take mine off?

No shirts come off.

Actually, I'd love to take my shirt off. I'm getting pretty sweaty.

-Can we start with the dummies, please? Right here. -Okay.

And hands go like so, and we want to start with compressions to the song,

-Let me give it a shot. Do you mind? -You wanna step in?

Actually, I'd love to step in here and see this thing.

-Sure. -Yeah.

-How's this? -Ah.

That's-That's-That's a little too fast.

And you see, class, I'm increasing the rate of compressions

to ensure maximum blood flow.

- Class, don't listen to him. - It's so hot!

Now, class, you'll notice I am still finding a rhythm.

That is way too fast.

Well, somebody doesn't understand double time.

You see, I'm pushing to a much spicier song.

Is everyone familiar with the Gipsy Kings's "Bamboléo"?

Ah! An excellent choice, very spicy.

Speaking of spice, I brought plenty of peppers for everyone.

Gosh, that damn lawyer is gonna jam me the hell up.

- Yeah. - Hang on.

Maybe I should slip him a ghost pepper.

Yeah, well, that's a good idea.

All right, uh, chili flakes, please.

Wait. What?

I-I need the chili flakes, please. See them?

-Yeah, I see 'em. -"Yes, Chef."

-What? -Say, "Yes, Chef."

Why?

Because the stakes are, uh, very high, you know, this is high-stakes stuff.

Stakes of what?

The cooking! It's-It's life-and-death stuff, man.

-I need you to say, "Yes, chef." -You know what you should do?

You should cook up an extra spicy meal. Really, really spicy.

And I'll give it to The Lawyer. I'll trick him into eating it.

And then if he's not admitted to the hospital,

it would prove that I'm innocent.

Okay, what if he dies?

Win-win either way, right?

- All right. - Oh!

- Try that, baby! - Good smash.

-Smashed it good! -Really?