Better Things

I'm going home with you!

Oh.

Well, uh, today's not really good for a playdate, Morgan.

Oh, you have to. My mom said you were going to.

You don't have a ride home?

Was she counting on me to take you with us?

Uh-huh.

O... kay.

Well, just wait here, I guess.

I gotta go get Duke.

Hello. Trinity?

Hi, yes. Is this Samantha?

Oh, it's just Sam.

Uh, did you tell Morgan

that we would take her home with us today?

Oh, could you? That would be great.

She said you already told her that I'm going to,

so now she's expecting me to.

Is it a problem? I am nowhere near there.

So if I have to come, it's gonna be pretty difficult.

I'll have to rearrange my day.

Uh...

Yeah, it's fine.

It's just...

Can you please pick her up at my house, please, before six? Okay?

Six? Oh.

Well, you know what? That's fine.

I can make it work.

Oh, good.

That's great for me.

Thank you so much.

Hi, Stoopie-foo! Did you have so much fun?

- No. Mom? - What? Do you hate it?

I can tell. You wanna quit?

Okay, good, 'cause it's right in the middle of traffic anyway.

And you shouldn't come if you're not into it.

Also, I'm really excited you're quitting chorus.

Also, hi, I love you.

Also, Mormon Morgan's coming home with us.

Wait, what? No! You didn't even tell me.

I know! No one told me, either.

She and her mom trapped me into it.

Honey, I know the rules,

but this was, like, a force majeure.

We're both screwed.

Sorry.

- Well, hi. - Hi.

I'm Ned. Nellie says

Duke's her favorite kid in chorus.

Dad!

That must be Duke, right? Your daughter.

Uh, yeah. Hi, I'm Sam.

- You're tall. - Yeah.

Well, I think a playdate is in order.

No.

Yes, that would be...

Well, I have a free afternoon now.

If you want me to take Duke home,

you could pick her up later.

Oh, shit cock!

You know, I can't,

because otherwise I'd be alone

with her Mormon friend Morgan,

who we both hate.

Um, we have prior commitments, unfortunately.

Okay, so another time.

Yeah. Duke?

Duke! Duke.

Come here.

Are you excited to have a playdate with Nellie?

Don't you wanna have Nellie over to our house

to play sometime?

Uh-oh, looks like the feeling's not mutual.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She's just racist.

I love singing. I get to sing in my church.

Really? Wow. You like church?

Yeah, you're supposed to love church.

Also, the singing is good, and I'm getting really good at it.

Mom, Morgan says that her church is really great.

Did you know that Mormons are really into music?

No, honey, I didn't.

Did you know that Mormons are really into hating gay people?

- Mom, don't! - What?

- Well... - Be nice.

Kind of they do.

Not kind of.

- Hi. - Hello.

Oh, Come on in.

Hi, Morgan. What are you wearing?

Hi, Mom. We're pretending the Grammys,

and like we're on the red carpet.

She won Album of the Year.

Okay. Please take that off now.

We have to get home.

Well, I thought it was pretty cool

that she won Album of the Year.

Yay!

So, um, are you guys going to the evening event?

No, we don't got to those.

Why not?

Well, we don't drink or gamble.

No hot drinks or caffeine.

Oh, bummer.

Well, you could always drink air and eat paper?

Anyway, Wednesday is family night.

Oh, that's nice.

What do you guys do for family night?

We just stay in, and we all cook together,

and we watch CSI.

You let Morgan watch CSI?

It's based on real-life stories.

- No, totally. Duke? - Tits out for the boys!

Tits out for the boys! Tits out for the boys!

- Morgan! - Sorry, Mom.

Oh, that's from a show. It's just silly fun.

I didn't show them the show.

Mom, Duke says she wants to come to church with us.

Oh, sure.

Mom, you have to come, too.

What?

Oh, sure! Everyone is welcome.

Yeah, you should come this Sunday.

Oh, Sunday we have a...

We don't have anything, Mom. Don't lie.

That sounds great. Just text my mom the data points,

and we'll see you on Sunday.

Great! See you all then.

- Fun. - Okay.

- Well, good night. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye.

Kill you.

I love you too, Mom.

Hello?

Lyft isn't working.

Yep. I disabled the account.

Why?

Because, honey, you abused it.

Last month's Lyft bill was, like, $500.

So? That's not just me, Mom!

Honey, take a bus.

Oh, my God, Mom. I hate you.

Max, do you understand

that every time you say "I hate you" to me,

it doesn't mean anything anymore?

It, like, loses its sting, honey.

No, seriously, Mom, I hate you.

See? It just keeps getting less

and less powerful every time you say it.

If you really wanna upset me, you gotta come up with something new.

Okay, well, how about this?

You're short, and you're getting old.

Okay. Good one.

Hello? Anybody?

Mormon Jesus? Anyone?

Just...

Mom, please come pick me up.

I'm sorry I said that.

Why would I do that?

It's getting dark, Mom. I could get raped.

Max.

Max.

Hey.

- Hi, Sam. - Hi, Defiance.

- Where's my Max? - She's over there, I think.

Okay. Thank you. Say hi to your mom.

Okay.

Max!

Get off of the boy and come with me right now!

Max!

You wanted me to see that.

See what?

Max, what is it?

What did I do?

Tell me what you want me to do.

It's like you're fighting me every second.

And I don't even know what surrender looks like.

And I don't want this.

I really don't.

So tell me what you want me to do.

I'm trying...

and it hurts me that you're not.

Oh, my God, Mom! Don't start crying!

Jesus!

What?

Yeah, it's like you said earlier on the phone, Mom,

about me saying I hate you.

Yeah, well, same with you crying.

You're wearing it out.

So if there's no Lyft anymore,

how am I getting to band practice on Sunday?

Hmm?

You're not.

What do you mean?

Because on Sunday, you're going to church with me and your sisters.

- Okay? - Oh, okay, right.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Going to church.