The Other Guy

Oh, fuck.

D-Did you...

- No. - You didn't? Oh.

- No, no, no, but... - Um...

- ...it's fine. - No, no, no, it's fine.

Okay. I mean, I guess it only seems fair.

Oh, hang on. Slow, slow, slow.

Okay, yes.

It's all right.

What was that?

What was that?

Fuck. Fuck!

Oh... My dad must be home.

You said they were going to be out.

Yeah, they were meant to be.

Shit! Shit!

- AJ! - Yeah, just a sec.

We have news!

Just a sec, okay?

Get dressed, okay? Before he busts in here.

He will bust in here.

No, I am not meeting your parents for the first time.

It's only been a month, it's fucking awkward.

It's fine, he's harmless.

Oh, shit!

Okay, you go out there and create a distraction,

then, like, I'm just gonna sneak out, okay?

Really? You're coordinating your walk of shame with me?

Yes, okay? And don't walk-of-shame shame me. Go!

Coming!

Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Hey!

What's up?

Winnie proposed to me

and I said, "Yes."

Guys, that's incredible! Congratulations! Yeah!

Mwah!

Oh, darl, you've got a little something here.

- Let me. - Uh? Oh.

Rust or blood or something?

Oh... Oh, um...

I cut myself shaving, I think.

So, we were out to dinner,

and when the waiter delivered my crab,

it had a ring on one of its pincers.

And I say, "Mack, I know it hasn't been a year yet, but..."

And I say, "I would be honoured to be your husband.

"Will you marry me?"

And I'm like, "Who's asking who here?"

Hey, let's go upstairs, let's celebrate.

I'll bring up some champagne...

I'm just gonna get my camera from my art supplies,

- if you don't mind, AJ. - No. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, hello!

Hi! Uh... Hey, I'm Charlie.

Winnie.

Uh, AJ, washing machine?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no! Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, ease up.

- Oh, god, I'm trying! - Geez, S-Stevie!

Oh, Jesus!

No, no, no. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, Jesus, Jesus!

Good one!

Me? I told you to ease off the clutch!

Anyway, then what happened?

Then we all had champagne to celebrate the engagement,

and later Winnie pulled me aside

to congratulate me on embracing menstrual sex

and channelling my moon power.

Man, no-one's gone down on me in months!

That's what you took from the conversation?

Oh, AJ, what do I do? What do I do?

Stop chitchatting and use some of your moon power

to get out of his way!

Why am I not getting any better at this?

How am I gonna handle highways

and doing the little finger wave to other caravans

on my way to The Big fucking Bilby?

All right!

- Jesus! - Fuck off, dick-bag!

It's a Thursday, like, what's he doing...

Okay. Don't worry, don't worry. Clear it from your mind.

- You can do this. Concentrate. - Clear it from my mind...

- Reverse back. Check your mirrors. - Clear it from my mind. Okay.

- Gotcha. - Bilby-hop forward.

- Ease it off. - Yeah...

- Is that good? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Less, less, less. Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- This is it. Clutch in. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Ease it off. - Yep, yep, yep.

Look at me!

Fucking Fast and the Furious Sydney Fucking Drift here, son!

- Gimme some! - Yes!

It's more a reverse Driving Miss Daisy,

but still, I'm very proud of you, Stevie. Well done.

Oh, cheers. That is empowering.

Oh, sorry.

Call from my producer, Miranda.

Don't talk about me while I'm gone.

As if!

Yo.

What are your intentions with my boy?

I mean it, what are you doing?

You fucking around?

Girlfriend/boyfriend?

Must be pretty serious, doing cunnilingus on the rags.

Maybe AJ and I should have that chat first?

- Right. - Mm-hm.

So, you're at the pre-discussion phase?

Okay.

Don't hurt him.

Please.

Like, he's just got himself back together.

Okay?

I mean it.

- Stevie... - No, if you do it,

I will kick you in the box so hard,

- and you won't even see it coming. - I...

I'm serious, I will just, like, find you.

You could be in a line at the ATM or just on a train,

and I will cunt punch you out of nowhere.

Dude, I think you have head lice.

Seriously, I feel like I can see one!

- I can see one. - Mm-hm.

Oh, my God! My head's been really itchy. Don't tell him.

- What's up? - Nothing.

So, I'm sorry to bail, but Stevie's got nits.

Oh... Stevie, ew!

I don't necessarily. They could be tiny ants.

- Don't look at me! - Keep away from me!

No, no, ah!

- She's flicking them! - You're on your own!

She's flicking them at me!

Ow!

Oi! No, the lady on YouTube was not this violent with her kid.

Yeah, well, look, I told you, this isn't gonna work, Stevie, all right?

- We need to nuke them with chemicals. - No, no! Stop it!

Can we go organic, please? That's what I wanna do.

I'm trying to take care of the environment.

Um... Sidebar.

Can I still be friends with Charlie when you fuck things up?

Because I could really use a low-maintenance female friend.

Um... No, because I'm not gonna fuck things up with Charlie.

Yeah, LOL. Righto.

Um... But you haven't even told her

that your show's about your ex-girlfriend yet.

That's 'cause it's not about my ex, Stevie.

It's just a show loosely based on the break-up with my ex.

Yeah, so, any way you say it sounds bad,

but I would probably weasel out of telling her, too.

Weasel solidarity!

Now, suck my head, bitch!

Yeah, that feels better, actually.

Ooh.

- What's that? - Hey!

- It's none of your business! - It looks legal! What is it?

Are you a sperm donor?

Oi! No secrets! What is it?

- Geez! Hey, just... - Are you scared to open it? Ow!

AJ, you've given me a scalp hickey! Turn it off!

What is in your letter?

Ow!

"My client, Olivia Collins,

"alleges that the content of your television production,

"currently titled Cuck..."

I'm sorry, I still love that title.

It's really good. Sorry.

"...is defamatory and damaging.

"I've been instructed to demand that you cease and desist."

Blah, blah, blah. Just say what you mean, fellas.

Yeah, that's pretty standard legalese.

They're trying to psych you out, AJ.

I bet fuck-face Henry is behind this.

Just relax. I am hooking you up with some legal advice pronto.

- What? Who? - Engineer. Art director.

Art director.

Oh! Lawyer!

Oh, no. Human rights. Boo!

Found one. Entertainment!

- Look at that. - Oh, yeah. KLA & Associates.

It's a pretty well-respected mid-tier firm.

You know that old duck who's in every show,

threw some cunt off Centrepoint Tower,

and they kept her contract with three different networks?

Yeah, right.

Look at these Johnny Hoppers out here.

I swear they're doing Morse code with the fucking hacky sack.

Dezzy, they're not coppers. I've told you a hundred times,

they're just bogans from another country with really hot accents.

Stevie, you're a good egg, but you've got no fucking idea

how advanced their surveillance systems are.

- Whatever. - I'm gonna go douse my head in metho.

Yeah, start with your beard, mate.

That's where all your hair is.

Oh, no! I've gotta go and meet Miranda.

Oh, she is gonna blow her load when she finds out about that.

Well, obviously, I'm not gonna tell her.

Yeah, obviously, weasel.

No, just buy yourself some time,