The McCarthys

This is my hometown. My family members

are scattered all over Boston.

My parents live here. My sister lives here.

My brothers live here and here.

And I live way over here.

But we always seem to end up over here.

Well, remember that stomach pain that I was having?

I found out what it is.

And no, Gerard,

it's not God punishing me

for that horrible thing I said.

Derek Jeter's kind of handsome.

Complimenting a Yankee?

You also have a crush on a New York Knick, Ma?

Carmelo a little, but that's beside the point.

I have to have my gallbladder removed.

I swear... first the dishwasher and now this.

Why can't everything in the house work at the same time?

They're gonna remove it?

- Surgically? - No,

Arthur, they're gonna coax it out

with promises of a better life.

This isn't a big deal, is it?

It's a very routine procedure.

With only the slightest chance of complications.

No, it's...

Oh, Sean's right.

That's weird.

I love medical stuff.

In another life, I could've been a doctor.

You? A doctor?

You couldn't zip your coat till you were 11.

That's in this life.

You know, the gallbladder's a curious organ.

It's this tiny little thing that just sits there

filled with bile.

Hey, kind of like Gerard.

: Yeah!

Could you please stop saying things

like "organ" and "bile"?

Oh, Gerard, you've always been so squeamish.

What happened to you?

Cut myself shaving, saw the blood, fainted.

Hit my head on the counter, came to,

saw the blood on the counter, fainted.

Turned on the TV, and saw a commercial for tomato juice.

Fainted.

Rough morning.

I'm not squeamish.

It's just that gross things make me want to throw up.

"Throw up. "

Anyway, I am gonna have to spend tomorrow night in the hospital.

But it's no big deal.

It's nothing to get all dramatic about.

So, this is how it ends.

We are gonna beat this thing.

We are gonna beat it with love.

Oh, Jackie.

Nobody needs this right now.

The doctor said

that there is only a one in 10,000 chance

that something could go wrong.

Something could go wrong?

Take it easy with the drama, Gwen Patio.

He means Gwyneth Paltrow.

Either way,

I'm driving you to the hospital tomorrow, Marjorie.

No you're not. You have the big St. Robert's game.

- Marjorie... - Arthur, your team is undefeated.

You guys actually have a chance to beat them this year.

Mom's right. We are undefeated.

Is it because of the new assistant coach?

- Who can say? - I can say.

- It's not you. - Total coincidence.

Don't listen to them, Ronny.

You've been helpful this year.

I've come to count on you.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, what if Ronny skips the game and takes me to the hospital?

Done.

Seriously?

Ronny, you've made a lot of progress,

but you still have a ways to go.

I mean, if it was up to you,

you'd be starting Bennet tomorrow.

You would start Bennet.

Who's Bennet?

Bennet is a kid who hasn't gotten to play all season.

And I feel bad for him,

because when I played sports, I was...

a bit of a Bennet.

"A bit of a Bennet"?

Pass! Pass!

No, I meant "pass," like "skip me. "

I don't want a turn.

Thank you.

Fine, I was a Ronny...

which is worse than a Bennet.

The point is I need you.

You're the only one who can take me tomorrow.

Really? The only one?

All right, well, if you're gonna make me say it.

Jackie is way too dramatic.

Gerard's too squeamish to go anywhere near the hospital.

Can we please call it "the large medical complex"?

And Sean...

Is it because the doctors would be intimidated

by my vast medical knowledge?

Sure.

See? You're the only one.

All right, Mom. I'd be happy to take you.

Thank you, Ronny.

So, I guess I better get some rest for tomorrow.

Sorry, maybe that wasn't clear.

Everybody go home.

Good night.

See you.

Good luck with the, uh...

I want you to know no matter what,

I will always treasure the precious moments that we...

Okay, Jackie, bye-bye.

The McCarthys S01E07 Original air date 11/12

So, tonight will be our first night apart

since the kids were born.

Wait. What about that weekend

I went to the Cape with Stan Hensley?

- Oh, yeah, and you guys stayed in that blue cottage?- Mm-hmm.

And you accused him of cheating at miniature golf?

Exactly.

That was me, Arthur, and it was our honeymoon.

Oh, yeah.

You know, you can't just pick up your ball,

and put it wherever you want.

The point is I don't want you

to feel nervous about me being away.

"Nervous"? You're gonna be gone for one afternoon and a night.

Arthur, stop panicking!

It's okay. I made you a survival packet.

Now, emergency phone numbers,

instructions...

the names and genders of all our neighbors.

So you don't

call Mrs. Corrigan "Big Guy. "

She's got a handshake like a vice grip.

Now...

some of the light switches are tricky.

So, as soon as it gets dark, go to bed.

Marjorie! Why do you think I can't do anything for myself?

Because I live with you.

This toothpaste tastes weird.

Maybe because it's moisturizer.

Those tubes were very similar.

Now, I know you're gonna want

your lucky grilled cheese sandwich

before the game,

but I don't want you using the stove.

So...

I thought you could order a cheese pizza

and then you just fold the-the pieces together.

And what's this "Don't forget to hydrate"?

That means drink water. I...

Or other fluids.

And this is the list of other fluids.

You know what?

- I don't need your packet. - Great.

Well, now that I don't have to worry about Mr. Self-Sufficient,

I can enjoy my time at the hospital.

It'll be like a vacation. Great.

Send me a postcard.

Oh, I will. And when I get home, I'll read it to you,

because you don't know how to bring in the mail.

- I do, too. - Oh, really?

Point in the direction

of the mailbox.

I'm gonna go out and get a breath of fresh air,

and when I come back,

I'm gonna answer that question.

So, he yells, "Marjorie, come outside.

I found the mailbox. "

Well, it wasn't the mailbox. You know what it was.

It was the Corrigans' birdhouse.

He will not survive the night.

Well, that story loses nothing

in its third telling.

Who are you calling?

Dad. I want to let him know

you're about to go under.

Hello?

Hi, Dad. I'm with Mom.

She's about to go into surgery, and everything is fine.

Good. Tell her I know it's gonna go great.

And that I'm doing great, too.

Making my grilled cheese as we speak.

Okay. Bye, Dad.

And go team! No? You hung up? Okay.

He's doing great without me?

He's making a sandwich?

Are we in that other life where Sean is a doctor?

Maybe Dad is more capable than you think.

Gerard, I need help.