Not Going Out

Where are you going? It's a business thing.

At this time? Times are hard, but how are you earning money nowadays?

Ho ho ho. I heard you the first time.

I'm catching an overnight train to a conference, so you're on your own for a couple of days.

Try to behave like a human adult. I haven't got time to lay down newspaper.

I can be civilised. I'll have an

evening of blues and jazz. Dig out

the old seven inches.

By "blues and jazz" I'm guessing you mean blue movies and jazz magazines?

Yeah. And "by dig out the old..." Got it!

Hi! Hi, Daisy. Lee, can you get my dad's nail gun?

She's a bit dippy,

but she deserves the right to live.

I'm joking.

Of course I'll shoot her.

Thank you for lending it to me, Lucy.

That's OK. What do you need it for?

Well, loads of DIY things.

Plus that garden sculpture that Tim bought keeps collapsing.

What garden sculpture? Oh, you know, what's it called?

Giant Jenga?

Thank you. Right, I'd better dash. I'm parked on a speed hump.

It's not illegal, but it makes me really nervous, like it might shrug me off.

Hope she's going to be all right with that nail gun.

Why's she doing the DIY, anyway?

My brother's not exactly a handyman. I don't know.

He's handy for tips

on how to arrange a flower display.

"First the tall stems, then the shorter. To keep fresh, add sugar to the water." Jane Asher, 1998.

What about that for an entrance? Why's my girlfriend just walked out of your flat?

I hope you're not up to anything, you scoundrel. Don't be silly.

I was too busy shagging your sister.

What are you doing here?

I'm on my way back from the work's night out. A rough place.

Although it didn't stop us having a raucous night. Raucous night? Yep.

It's quarter past nine.

I had to leave early. There was no anti-bacterial handwash in the gents.

Daisy left her coat, by the way.

Talking of coats, what are you wearing? You're like two dwarfs with one cinema ticket.

This is a very practical coat, actually. It's warm, machine washable

and there's loads of pockets for your bits and...

..bobs.

If that's your bits and bobs, I

can't wait to see your knick-knacks.

Oh, sh... Sugar.

I don't think it's sugar.

I think the phrase you're looking for is, "Oh, sh... Class A drugs."

I must have picked up the wrong coat. How could you, you idiot?

You think he feels stupid? What about the Colombian drugs baron in Tim's cagoule?

What am I going to do? Flush it down the toilet.

It's extra large, it would never get past the U-bend.

The drugs. They belong to someone.

What if he tracks me down?

How? He's got my coat. It's not like you've sewn a little name tag in your collar.

You have sewn a name tag in your collar.

So he knows Timothy Adams has got his drugs.

There must be a hundred

Timothy Adams in London.

Not Timothy Gladstone Adams.

You sew your middle name into your coat?

Yes. Why? Because there must be a hundred Timothy Adams in London.

I'm going to miss this train.

Ring the police. Now.

What are you doing? Doing what Lucy said.

If you do, someone will give you shoes that'll send you to the bottom of a lake.

Crocs?

Look, maybe it isn't even drugs. Well, what is it?

It could be anything. It could be washing powder.

Yeah, he popped in for a pint after a long day doing the Daz doorstep challenge.

What are you doing? I'm proving to you it's not washing powder.

What are you doing that for?

To see if it's good shit.

That's going to take ages.

I mean the drugs.

You haven't got a clue what you're

doing, have you? Not really.

I saw them do it on Scarface. I'm glad you haven't been watching Brokeback Mountain.

You try it, then, smartarse. Come on, this is your problem, not mine.

It's my own fault.

I knew I shouldn't have let him watch The Railway Children.

I meant Trainspotting.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, yeah, that's odd.

See, that is definitely not Bold 3-in-1.

It might be biological. I'm allergic to that.

Tim, it's not washing powder, it's drugs.

Find this bloke and get it back to him

Now, what do you know about him? I don't know. There's no name tag.

You don't say? What about mittens on string?

Oh, yeah, laugh it up.

You weren't laughing when we went

ice-skating and I didn't have frozen

fingers. Oh, I was laughing.

And not just me, the whole of the stag party.

Hang on, he's got a business card.

Larry "The Butcher" Stubbs.

You're not the only one with a unusual middle name.

Get back to that nightclub, now.

OK. But will you come with me?

The adoption agency never told me you were going to be this needy.

You know this is wrong. This shouldn't be back on the streets.

I've seen what drugs can do to people. No, you haven't. I have, actually.

It was a long time ago, back

in the '80s. I was still at school.

There was a boy, popular boy.

He had lots of friends, enjoyed sport.

Someone offered him some drugs at a party and he thought, "Well, what's the harm? Why not?"

Within weeks he was a wreck, scrambling around on the floor, looking for bits of his fix.

Sorry, Tim. Can I just interrupt? Yes. Are you talking about Zammo from Grange Hill?

It was a very convincing portrayal, actually.

Well, here it is.

I see what you mean about rough. These are old-school gentlemen villains.

If you want us to fit in, imagine you're Reggie and I'm Ronnie.

Which one, Barker or Corbett?

Go on, then. Can you do it? Please?

If you do, I'll never, ever forget it.

You won't have a choice. You'll be reminded every time you look at my disfigured face.

It hasn't affected our relationship so far.

Excuse me.

This is a bit awkward, but the thing is, my mate,

the dippy looking geezer with the bad dress sense,

apart from his coat, which is lovely, lovely coat...

Anyway, the thing is, he accidentally took your coat by mistake.

And we found your...

..shit in his pocket.

We didn't touch it.

I never touch another man's shit.

We rubbed some in our gums, just to check it was shit.

If you're following any of this, just stare at me really menacingly.

Great. So, why don't we swap back?

Yeah? No harm done?

Perfect.

I'm warning you if you've touched any of Timothy's Fruit Polos,

he'll hunt you down and slice you like a carrot.

Thanks.

Next time you want me to do a favour, keep it simple.

Ask me to steal Osama Bin Laden's white turban and replace it with a giant meringue.

This isn't my coat.

If that's not yours, then that one's not his.

Thanks for the free drugs, you Muppets.

Bloody hell. Was there a sale on at House of Gangster?

Where's the gear? And who the hell is Timothy Gladstone Adams?

Well, I've finished with my Reggie act.

You'd better start doing your Ronnie impression, and quick. It's good night from me.

And it's good night from him. Come here!

Come here!

Cup of tea? Agh! Coffee! I can do coffee!

I was hoping I'd wake up and this would just be a bad dream.

If was one of your dreams,

we'd have been attacked

by Patricia Hodge with a tache on.

Why did I ever tell you about that?

We're in trouble, aren't we, Lee? Yes, "we" now being the operative word.

Can't believe that you gave the drugs to the wrong person. Don't blame me.

You had the wrong clothes on. Good job it wasn't a drag club,

otherwise I'd be sat here being

entertained by Timothy Titflaps and

her disturbingly unsightly bulge.

Will you stop going on about my dreams?!

I didn't tell you about that one, did I?

As long as we're here, we're safe.

He doesn't know my name

or where I live.

So, can we just get dressed, calm down and stop over-reacting?

What are you doing?

Ringing Daisy to explain everything.

Oh, no, we haven't got time to start

explaining everything to Daisy.

Not enough time? In six billion years the sun's going to explode.

It is vitally important that nobody knows you're here.

BANGING ON DOOR

Blimey, it's all kicking off in Narnia.

Oh, Daisy. Thank God it's you.

Who were you expecting? Anne Frank.

Well, the traffic's terrible. Maybe she's running a bit late.

I'm looking for Tim. I haven't seen him.

Don't lie to me, Lee. I'm not stupid. You've seen him loads of times.

He's six foot with blond hair.

I haven't seen him lately. There is something very strange going on here.

No, there isn't. So why's there a wardrobe jammed up against the door?

Feng Shui.

Oh, yes, I've read about that.

Organising your furniture to keep out unhelpful, negative energy.

Does it work? No.

Well, I'll get straight to the point.

I know that you and Tim are taking drugs.

Why would you possibly think that? The way you've been behaving.

Give me one example.

All right, you're acting all nervous and twitchy.

All right, two examples.

All right, two, you're hiding behind your wardrobe.

Three examples.

All right, three, I came round yesterday and saw you both taking drugs.

Most people would have had that as number one.

We weren't taking drugs.

You know what they say about denial, Lee.

It isn't just a river in France.

I saw you rubbing powder

into your gums. That was to test to

see if it was washing powder.