Roseanne

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CAPITAL CITIES/ABC, INC.

OK, SO YOU'VE GOT 12 MONTHS OF MAG WHEEL ILLUSTRATED

6 MONTHS OF KINGS OF DRAG RACING

AND 24 MONTHS OF INDOOR SOCCER WEEKLY.

AND THE MAGAZINES SHOULD BE ARRIVING

IN FOUR TO SIX WEEKS.

THANK YOU.

FROM MY MOUTH TO GOD'S EAR.

NICE WORK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS JOB?

NOTHING.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

D.J., BY THE TIME YOU MOVE,

I'LL BE GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

DARLENE...

NICE MOVE, BUDDY!

HA!

KING ME.

YOU GAVE HIM A TRIPLE JUMP!

WELL... I ALREADY MOVED.

YOU'RE JUST LETTING HIM WIN 'CAUSE HE'S A MIDGET.

AM NOT!

ARE, TOO!

TAKE A BREAK, BABE?

I CAN'T. THIS IS MY PRIME TIME.

EVERYBODY'S HOME FIGHTING WITH THEIR SPOUSE

AND BEING TORTURED BY THEIR CHILDREN.

SOME PEOPLE ARE EVEN FEEDING THEIR CHILDREN.

THAT'S BECAUSE SOME CHILDREN

HAVE ALREADY SET THE TABLE.

I TALK TOO MUCH.

OK, DEEJ, CALL IT A TIE.

I HAD YOU!

D.J., YOU CAN'T PLAY WORTH BEANS.

DARLENE, PUT OUT THE FORKS

AND STICK ONE IN YOUR TONGUE.

IS MY HAIR OK?

I GUESS SO.

WE'RE ONLY HAVING HAMBURGERS.

DO I LOOK ANY OLDER?

JIMMY'S A JUNIOR.

WHO'S JIMMY?

HE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL.

EXCUSE ME.

JIMMY MELTRIGGER'S THE VARSITY QUARTERBACK.

OOH.

NO TAKING THE SNAP ON THE FIRST DATE.

DAN!

JUST PREPPING HER FOR GAME TIME.

WHEN IS GAME TIME?

TOMORROW. HE'S PICKING ME UP HERE.

AS OPPOSED TO WHERE, MOTEL 6?

WHY DON'T YOU WEAR YOUR BLUE SWEATER OUTFIT?

YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD IN THAT.

IF I DO, IT WON'T BE BECAUSE OF YOU.

JUST HELPING.

WELL, JUST DON'T.

FINE!

GO AHEAD AND WEAR ONE OF YOUR DORKY BIG-BUTT OUTFITS.

THIS IS MAGAZINE DISCOUNT HOUSE.

DARLENE, GET THE DOOR.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?

IT'S NOT ALWAYS YOU.

I'LL GO.

HI, CRYSTAL.

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!

YOU GOT THE DRESS?

UH-HUH.

I WENT THROUGH COUSIN BEVERLY'S CLOSET

AND FOUND A TREASURE.

TOMORROW NIGHT, YOU'RE THE BELLE OF THE BALL!

I'D RATHER WEAR THE BAG.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

STICK CANDLES IN MY NOSE,

AND I'D LOOK LIKE A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

THANKS ANYWAY, CRYSTAL.

DAN, YOU BETTER GO BY YOURSELF.

NO DICE, BABE.

YOU GOT TO GO.

IT'S A GRAND OPENING.

I DRYWALLED THIS BANK FOR YOU.

WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE DRYWALLED SOME DRESS SHOP?

YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.

FREE CHAMPAGNE, LIVE BAND,

ALL THE SHRIMP YOU CAN EAT,

AND ME.

WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?

I WANT A NEW DRESS.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY MONEY?

I DID,

BUT I BLEW IT ON D.J.'s TUBE SOCKS.

DAMN! I HATE MYSELF.

I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN BORROW A DRESS,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO BE OPEN.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

WHEN I MENTION HER NAME,

YOU GOT TO PROMISE NOT TO SCREAM.

I PROMISE.

EDNA DeBELCO.

AAH!

WHO'S EDN...

AAH!

SHE'S A REALLY WONDERFUL PERSON, DAN.

ROSEANNE JUST THINKS SHE'S A WHINING,

COMPLAINING, SNIVELLING KLETCH.

KVETCH.

BECKY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS DRESS?

STICK A FEW CANDLES IN IT AND MAKE A WISH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

INVOICES.

I'M ORDERING NEW CHILDREN.

YEAH?

LET'S TRADE BECKY IN

FOR A TATTOOED LATIN BOY OF 16.

'CAUSE THAT'S MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO MYSELF.

HOLD IT.

COULD THIS WOMAN BE MY LITTLE BECKY?

NOT ALL OF HER.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D CHECK UPSTAIRS

FOR SOME MISSING KLEENEX.

DARLENE, YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG MOUTH.

AND YOU HAVE SUCH A SMALL CHEST.

AT LEAST I HAVE A CHEST.

AT LEAST I'M NO DROOLING,

BOY-CRAZED NYMPHOMANIAC.

HEY, LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS I'M DATING.

WITH A TWO-PLY CHEST.

HERMAPHRODITE.

OH, YEAH?

HOW DOES THIS SKIRT LOOK WITH THIS SWEATER?

GOOD.

MOM?

JUST FINE.

REALLY?

REALLY.

DAD? TERRIFIC.

PROMISE? PROMISE.

MOM?

BECKY, RELAX.

YOUR DATE'S NOT UNTIL TONIGHT.

I'M GIVING MY REPORT BEFORE THE STUDENT COUNCIL,

AND JIMMY'S HEAD OF MY COMMITTEE.

REALLY, MOM?

REALLY.

THANKS.

BECKY,

COME HERE.

WHAT?

YOU FORGOT YOUR REPORT.

I GOT TO GO OVER TO THE LUMBERYARD

AND TALK TO JOEY.

WHEN YOU PICK UP YOUR TUXEDO,

GET THE MATCHING SHOES.

I WILL.

YOU BETTER PUT A NOTE ON YOUR WINDSHIELD.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

LIKE DAN CONNER SAID ON HIS WEDDING DAY,

"BABE, I'M GONNA WEAR WHAT I'M GONNA WEAR. PTOOEY!"

WHATEVER IT IS,

I'M SURE YOU'LL LOOK AS TERRIFIC AS I DID.

HI, EDNA...

IT'S ROSEANNE CONNER. HOW ARE YOU?

THIS IS VANESSA FROM THE MAGAZINE DISCOUNT HOUSE.

SINCE YOU'RE A PREFERRED CUSTOMER,

I'M PREPARED TO OFFER YOU

A SUBSCRIPTION TO YOUR FAVORITE MAGAZINES

AT PRICES SUBSTANTIALLY LOWER

THAN WHAT YOU PAY AT NEWSSTANDS.

YEAH? SAME TO YOU!

HELLO.

OH, HI, EDNA.

AAH!

OH, YEAH. I TRIED IT ON,

AND IT FITS PERFECTLY.

NO. I WOULDN'T TRY TO LANCE THAT THING BY MYSELF.

OW!

OH! DAN HURT HIMSELF, EDNA.

I HAVE TO GO.

I THOUGHT PEP SQUAD WAS TODAY.

I'M QUITTING PEP SQUAD! I'M NEVER GOING BACK!

IF ANYBODY CALLS ME, TELL THEM I'M DEAD!

IT MUST BE SERIOUS. SHE'S NOT TAKING CALLS.

WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS MY SISTER?

SHE WENT UPSTAIRS.

I'LL NAIL HER ON HOME TURF.

YOU'RE NOT NAILING NOBODY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I'VE WAITED FOR THIS SINCE I WAS 2.

YOU PASSED A TEST!

ENLIGHTEN US.

I'D BE GLAD TO.

THIS IS ACCORDING TO CHERYL BREWER

WHOSE SISTER GOES TO LANFORD HIGH,

IS ALSO ON THE STUDENT COUNCIL,

AND HAD A RINGSIDE SEAT

FOR THE EVENT OF THE CENTURY.

GET TO THE POINT, EDNA.

THIS IS GREAT. OK. HERE GOES.

HOTSHOT BECKY'S STANDING UP TO GIVE HER SPEECH